Equality between DC and DSC

(9 Posts)
Runner05 Mon 21-Mar-16 09:50:54

Just wonder how others would cope with something that I think may be an issue in future.

To set the scene, I have 2 DSC that I get on with really well and one DC on the way. DSCs mothers side of the family is very large and related to most of the DSCs cousins etc. by another marriage so we see their GPs etc. at all birthdays and Christmases for get togethers (I get on with DSC mum and her family so no problem there). My family is non-existent, literally, my DC will have no grandparents or cousins etc. on my side of the family.

My worry is that my DSCs grandparents, great grandparents, aunts and uncles on their mothers side give them a lot of gifts and money at these get togethers and while it won't be a problem to start with I do worry that my DC will start to wonder why his siblings always get so much more than he does.

I'm not worried about gifts from DSCs mum because I feel that's different. I'm just worried that seeing that his siblings and absolutely every child in the family seem to get large presents from extended family at every special occasion while he gets nothing will be quite hurtful over the years And I'm not sure how I am going to address this.

Any insight into others experiences with similar situations would be much appreciated smile

Lunar1 Mon 21-Mar-16 10:09:27

If I go to a get together where children will be getting gifts, like Christmas or Easter then I buy for all the children there. There are very few people who would leave out one child!

My brother and I were the odd step children who were left out at big family things. And we watched our step sister and her cousins get loads.

I over compensate so much that if I'm not exactly sure who will be at a get together I'm likely to have a couple of extra gifts with me.

If it becomes apparent that your dc will be left out as they get older I'd avoid the gatherings.

MeridianB Mon 21-Mar-16 10:14:41

OP, what makes you think the family won't acknowledge your child or buy him/her anything? This won't matter for years to come so I'd forget about it for now.

It's great that you get on with DSC's mum and her family but I'm curious as to why they are all dishing out huge gifts at all these events?

Runner05 Mon 21-Mar-16 10:27:16

DSCs family while pleasant enough are quite practical so I can't imagine they would think to buy gifts for everyone plus at Christmas and birthdays they tend to spend £££ on their grandchildren and I wouldn't expect them to do the same for a child they will only ever see at these family gatherings.

I don't feel that I can not go to these gatherings as they are hosted by my OHs side of the family who are absolutely lovely and his dad and siblings would be really upset by our absence.

I'm not expecting it to be a problem for a couple of years but I recently attended one of these family gatherings and it suddenly hit me that it might be a problem later on. Having also grown up as the excluded child who got less than her siblings I don't want me child to grow up feeling second best like I did.

MeridianB Mon 21-Mar-16 10:34:58

I was confused - I thought these were DSC's mother's relatives but are they your partner's relatives?

Runner05 Mon 21-Mar-16 10:42:06

They're both together. DSC aunt is married to someone else in their dads family so both families are still closely connected.

Runner05 Mon 21-Mar-16 10:46:30

And yes, it does get confusing at times wink

Runner05 Mon 21-Mar-16 10:55:19

But I also think that it's so good for the DSC to see both their families getting along and socialising together I would never want to ruin that by making barriers to it.

One thing I did consider doing was purchasing extra presents to give DC at these events so that he doesn't feel left out. But if I did this I would want to firstly talk to OH and explain why so he doesn't feel I'm giving any of the children preferential treatment and also also I would want to sit down with my DSC (who will be old enough in a couple of years to understand) and explain why DC will get more presents from me so that they don't feel that I'm favouring him.

I would say that their mother does spoil them with gifts too so I don't think either of them would consider this to be unfair. But as I've never had to consider a situation like this I wasn't sure whether this was a reasonable solution or if there is a better one that others had come up with.

howtodowills Mon 21-Mar-16 20:48:40

This is tricky!

My parents buy gifts for my DS and 2 stepdaughters.

DP's mum buys for my DS but not his dad. At Christmas I always try and make sure kids have equal and then on the last minute their mum will go and buy a load of extra gifts for the girls so they end up with more. I just tell DS that things are different in step families and if he says "that's not fair" (which is vvv rare) then I just give him "life's not fair" or "yes but you got to do x and step kids didn't"... He's only 6 so can deal with simple explanation.

I wouldn't give it too much worry... Kids are quite accepting and yours will be born into this type of family so it'll be easier than joining a stepfamily. Chat it through with your DP.

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