Sharing bedrooms

(66 Posts)
Superdry01 Sun 07-Feb-16 11:18:14

Hi all.
I'm not quite sure if I'm being unreasonable with my situation.
I have 3 girls one is disabled and has her own room the baby still in with me and my 10 yr old shares her room with the step daughter every other weekend now the thing is my daughter has asked for new things for her room and has chosen a colour but my partner dad off stepchild as go e mental and told me that I always think off my own children and that it's both off the girls room. Ive said that his daughter has her own room in her own home and this is my daughter home but he won't have it and thinks that his daughter should have a say what goes in the room... I'm stuck on this and don't know what to do..
My daughter is very girlie and has put up with loads with her disibility sister. But my parnter says it's not ur daughters bedroom and it's a share room. Not being funny but stepdaughter only over every other weekend. Driving me mad.
My daughter asked me for a new tv as old one not so good and I've sad I get her one but my partner tells me why should ur daughter have a new tv it has to be a shared tv. Please can someone say wether im being over the top

3phase Sun 07-Feb-16 11:41:40

Have you been together for a long time and is he contributing financially to the home you share?

If so then I kind of agree that the room is 'shared' and both girls should either get to decide on how it's decorated or you draw a line down the middle and give them a side each. His home is also his daughters' home.....

I don't really understand how you could do anything but share a TV! Presumably it would be in the middle of the room and both girls can watch it?!

Neverenuff Sun 07-Feb-16 11:47:20

Oh my God. That's such a shame. I can see both sides of I'm honest. DP wants his daughter to feel at home and like she has her own space and it's a shared space. She isn't just a guest. She is part of the family . Would it be so bad to ask dsd if she would like the change in the room?

If there is only one tv then surely it would be shared?! A new tv is better than an old one that doesn't work.

My partners kids share a room at our house and have their own rooms at their mums. It's boy and girl and we are decorating just now. They have both been great and understand that sat their mums theyjave their own rooms to do as they like. But unfortunately here they have to compromise. And it's worked out really well the room looks great. One sides girly themes the other is boys.

Maybe having a side each would help so on one side you daughter gets her things and ideas and on the other the step daughter can choose.

I think both you an dp are being a bit unreasonable and at end of the day you guys are the adults so both of you could even choose what happens and I bet both kids would like it. And just incorporate each of the girls personalities in some way.

Hope that helps a bit.

CantWaitForWarmWeather Sun 07-Feb-16 12:23:00

It's difficult isn't it? Being the "NR" household can be quite shit sometimes especially when it comes to stuff like this, because you know that the child has their own lovely bedroom the way they like it in what is classed as their "Resident" household with their mum, and your children who are resident with you can't have their own room in the same way because this child "needs" a second bedroom. Personally I think your daughter should have the bedroom decorated how she likes. When you don't have the money to upsize your house you have to remember that all of the children should have the same (ie your stepchild has a room at her mum's that is hers and your daughter has her room at her mum's. Both have a room in their resident household which is fair).

It's even worse when your children have to compromise in their only home, especially when it's a council property and the bedrooms allocated are not allocated to the NR child.

Sunbeam1112 Sun 07-Feb-16 12:26:57

I agree with your DP he adores his dd considers her very much part of the family regardless if she visits every other weekend. I do agree that she should have some involvement, maybe a day out the three of you to pick things out together. Would be nothing worse a room redecorated tailored to your DD with no thought for you DSD and her staying there feeling abit awkard in your DD room. It's shared and should be treated that way. Your home should be her home away from home.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sun 07-Feb-16 13:05:14

I think your daughter should be able to decorate her room and have a TV without your DP having a go. All kids need a 'base' and this is your child's only base. If your DP really wants it, he can work towards providing his daughter her own room in the future. You could make a fuss of your DSC with her own bed, covers, bookcase/table etc, fill her part of the room with things for her. But your DP sounds like he's taking out his resentment on your daughter.

lunar1 Sun 07-Feb-16 13:26:18

Is there going to be any consideration for your step daughter in this room? With regards to the tv if they can't share it there shouldn't be one. Why should your step daughter have to stay in a room where she has to put up with someone else's tv that she gets no say over?

It could be a really good way to get them working together and having fun going shopping and deciding how to do their room. Why creat a divide where there doesn't need to be one?

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sun 07-Feb-16 13:39:01

That's true Lunar. I guess it just feels like overkill if everything has to be run by step kid, a lot of things yes, but can't the daughter have some things just the way she wants, as the step kid will, I presume, have a bedroom that she can have all to herself in her main residence.

Wdigin2this Sun 07-Feb-16 13:43:35

I don't know if that approach would be likely to succeed Lunar! The OP's DSD has her own room in her mother's house, which she doesn't have to share and can decorate just as she likes! But the DD can never really call the room her own because every other weekend she's obliged to share it! I imagine she feels quite peeved by this, and as she's 10 it's going to get quite tricky in the next couple of years!
I don't really know what the answer is because, as has been said, the DSD is part of the family, but it doesn't really seem fair on the DD!

Sunbeam1112 Sun 07-Feb-16 14:08:19

I'm pretty sure DSD didn't want to be from a split family where her time is divided between parents. I'm shocked how so many of you guys seem to disregard DSD. How hard must it be for her to spend time at her fathers house with another family whom her dad most likely sees and interacts more with than her. I think she should equally have a safe haven at her DF aswell as her DM. She should feel its her room aswell not just her Step sisters room where she occassionally stays. Your DP just wants his DSD to be included. Not to come over and see the room completely changed with no input whatsover.

CantWaitForWarmWeather Sun 07-Feb-16 14:20:43

Wdigin I agree with you. The situation is what it is, and I think the fairest thing possible for both girls is that they have one room to call their own at each of their mum's house (their main home). OP does your daughter have a room at her dad's? Because if she doesn't, then even more reason to make sure she doesn't have to compromise on having that at her home with you when your dsd has it at her mum's.

What2 Sun 07-Feb-16 15:42:18

The DSD isn't a visitor and the bedroom in your house should be her bedroom as much as it is your DDs bedroom. I'm not sure about the TV - I can't work out the problem. If you want to get your DD a tv then I can't see why you shouldn't.

Cant you make the girls bedroom so it suits both of them? I wouldn't have thought that that was that tricky to do.

It's not the DSDs fault she has to live at two houses.

cannotlogin Sun 07-Feb-16 15:58:37

Both have a room in their resident household which is fair

really? there are two children involved here, with 2 different sets of parents. What one has in her other home is neither here nor there because the circumstances of that parent are totally outwith the other child's life. The room that is in dispute in this situation is a room which is in the home of one each of the children's parent's home. Why should the child who is there least not have some kind of say in how that room is decorated or managed or arranged just because she's not there as much? it's still her room as well. She still needs a sense of ownership over at least part of it.

It's not unreasonable to suggest the other child needs to like how it's going to be because she's there all the time but suggesting to the non-resident child it's OK to leave her thoughts and feelings out of it completely because she already has a room elsewhere ignores the fundamental that she unfortunately has two homes as a result of issues way outside of her control.

Letting her choose something - the bed, carpet, rug, or just a cupboard or shelf for her stuff would be fair. Trying to come up with something they both like and can live with would be better.

CantWaitForWarmWeather Sun 07-Feb-16 16:16:44

Of course it's fair that they BOTH have at least one room to call their own. If the dsd has 1 room of her own (at her mum's) and half of her stepsister's room then the Op's DD gets a bum deal imo. She didn't ask for this set up either.

enderwoman Sun 07-Feb-16 16:38:21

You haven't mentioned what kind of taste your dsd has but is it the opposite of your dd?

Is there a compromise that can be made? For example the girls might have different favourite colours but might agree on a second favourite?

While I would say that your dd's opinion is more important than dsd's in this case, there needs to be a conversation beforehand where the girls can talk about their likes and dislikes. For example if dsd doesn't like pink then I wouldn't have a pink room because she is a member of your family and you want her to feel welcome.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Sun 07-Feb-16 16:39:00

Still wanting DSD kip on a pull out so your youngest doesn't have to share can'twait?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Sun 07-Feb-16 16:41:03

What2 has it spot on - decorate to both of their tastes. Let them design it themselves and pick out bedding etc smile Kids are pretty good at comprising if you let them get on with it

Wdigin2this Sun 07-Feb-16 16:43:59

I don't think anyone is saying that the DSD's needs and feelings should be disregarded....of course they shouldn't! But the DD also didn't choose a situation where she had to share her room with another person EOW. To be honest, other than buying a bigger home, I don't know how this can be resolved, unless you have another room downstairs (study, dining room) which can be iturned into a bedroom for the DSD....after all it won't be for ever!

CantWaitForWarmWeather Sun 07-Feb-16 16:45:27

Whatthe Actually my dsd has never slept on a pull out. She has our room when she stays. DP sleeps on the couch and I sleep on a blow up bed in the boys' room. Then when she's at her mum's we put our bedding on and sleep in the big bed. I'm happy compromising but I don't see why the boys should smile

Wdigin2this Sun 07-Feb-16 16:51:41

I'm not sure I agree that the DD's bedroom should also be considered the DSD's room...and I bet the DD doesn't either! How long has the situation been in place, did the DD kick off about it when it first happened, is she unhappy about it still?

Sunbeam1112 Sun 07-Feb-16 18:30:56

No DD didn't pick the situation but OP did on her behalf by being with someone who has children. Both children should be accomdated fairly.

RidersOnTheStorm Sun 07-Feb-16 18:55:56

Let DSD choose her own bedding. That seems fair.

What2 Sun 07-Feb-16 19:12:18

If she was only allowed to choose her own bedding then it would look like a token gesture. I'm sure there must be a way of getting them to agree on something they both liked.
The OPs DD knows she is welcome in the house, she is not going to be feeling uncomfortable or unsure of her place in the household whereas the DSD might be feeling like she is the outsider. You could almost argue that the DSDs opinion should take precedence over the OPs DD.

RidersOnTheStorm Sun 07-Feb-16 19:14:46

You could almost argue that the DSDs opinion should take precedence over the OPs DD.

No. That's ridiculous. DSD had her own bedroom already. DD gets to have her own room as well, that's what's fair. DSD chooses her own bedding to make her bed her own.

CantWaitForWarmWeather Sun 07-Feb-16 19:25:00

Agree with Riders.

How ridiculous and typical to think the dsd's opinion should come first before the OP's DD.

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