Stepdaughter attitude help??(15 Posts)
Hi please could you post this and I stay anonymous
i am 26 and a step mom to a 7yr old girl and a 15yr old girl plus I have a 7yr old daughter of my own and a 4 yr old son with my partner. I have been with him 7yrs I used to be really close to the oldest step child I wasn't allowed to see the younger one properly for a couple of years but I am now closer to the youngest because when she is here she's always very cuddly. The oldest never comes round hardly and has completely turned against me in the last two years. Her dad did tell her problems regarding our relationship though so I think this may have something to do with it but she has also become really close to my youngest step daughters mum who used to always call her a spoilt brat that got what she wanted. it seems that since she's started spending time with her she is even worse to me. She hasn't bothered with her dad since we took her to America in November and when we got home she has only been round once or twice at Christmas and out for a meal. I tried explaining to her in a really nice way that her dad is feeling upset and like she is distancing herself but she has got personal against me instead. She says I have a problem with her when all I have ever done is be there for her more so when she wasn't getting on with her mum. Her mom then split with her partner after complaining and telling us that her daughter just didn't get on with him and I feel like she is trying to do the same to me and her dad. Her attitude towards me is disgusting she has me in tears quite a few times and when I try and tell her how I feel she blames everything on me I am really lost as to what to do and I feel like my partner is stuck between us both when all I want is for everyone to get on!! I'm not a nasty person I was young when I got with him and I expected it too be hard but not to the point where my children are also suffering because of her attitude towards them. I share my birthday with her younger sister and she knows this but this year I didn't even get a message saying happy birthday and I got deleted off her Facebook not that being deleted bothers me because it's petty but happy birthday would have been nice. I don't want her to ruin mine and my partners relationship yet I don't know what to do. Please don't judge me I just want a bit of help on how to deal with this as its been going on two years and is getting worse. Do you think that the ex is putting things into her head as she has always hated me because I met and got with my partner not long after he left her or am I doing something wrong here I have asked her if it's because I'm closer to the younger one as I see her more and she said no she just doesn't like me X
Ignore the anonymous bit don't know why that's there x
Interesting times for a teenage girl. I expect you're getting the brunt of the angry independent side of her and her mums getting the still want to be a kid side.
Many people suggested this book to me 'Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town' and it really is an eye opener into the confused world of a teenager.
I am sure girls are worse, well I know they are. The hormones hit pretty hard.
Boys just get dopey.
Being a stepmum requires a thick skin - especially where teens are involved.
I'd try and emotionally detach - as you say you rarely see your DSD these days, just get on with your life, and try and forget about the hurtful things she's said in the past.
Support your DP to remain in contact with her; texts, postcards, the odd coffee after school, but don't try and maintain an independent relationship with her yourself. Focus on the family you have, not those who have chosen not to be a part of it.
What is she accusing of exactly? Clearly she is angry with you, why?
She hasn't accused me of anything because I haven't done anything she has just said that she don't like me not sure why it's took her till now to say it because like I said I was very close to her and if I tell her that her attitude is a problem that's when she starts getting abusive towards me
It may just be the teenage years kicking in. I'm not going to lie I was a horrible step daughter, as soon as I hit the teenage years I was moody, I hated everyone & when I visited my dad I was angry I had to share him with another woman, I even cried on his wedding day & not for happy reasons! selfish right? But I was close to my dad for years & then she came along & it all got flipped upside down & I was being pushed aside, this may be what she is thinking. After almost 10years of marriage my step mother did turn out to be actually quite nasty so I'm glad I didn't get too attached if I'm honest but that's another story.
U seem like a genuine person & well done for asking for help instead of plodding along on ur own. Instead of u having to speak to her about it all get ur partner to speak to her, have some daddy daughter time, it might let her open up about why she does what she does. & try ignoring it. If she already thinks she can split up a relationship because of the way she acts she is Definately looking for a reaction so try not to give her one or give her the complete opposite reaction from what she is expecting.
Teenagers are swines! Loveable one minute and the devil the next.
It sounds like you haven't done much wrong and she is just struggling with her feelings about things. However stop antagonising the situation by having a dig about her attitude as it will only make it worse. Rise above it and ignore her behaviour.
Give her some time alone with her dad when she doesn't turn up and try and keep calm. I know that is easier said than done! My oldest Dsc is 12 and is turning into a horrid stroppy teenager however most is aimed at his mum not me which I am in part very thankful for. But the stuff aimed at me is hard to take and is upsetting
Don't let her drive a wedge between you and your DP. Both my eldest DSDs did, pretty successfully, drive a wedge between me and my DP. Unfortunately he did listen when they said that we had a personality clash etc. None of it was true. And they weren't being deliberately nasty. Just self absorbed teenagers. The eldest doesn't even remember doing it now, and acts as if nothing is wrong between us now. Just make sure you remind yourself and your DP, that this is not a problem with you or step parenting. Then step back and let her get on with it.
I'm guessing by the ages the 15 year old was young 8/9 her younger sister has just been born and you new baby or were already pregnant when you got together with their dad. I can see why this could be upsetting for the girls to see their father raise another child that isn't biological theres with a young 19/20 when he didn't raise the other 6 year old. Obviously you gone on to have a child together.l speak from someone who i knew personally went through this, it was as his got older he realised his dad choose to have a family seperate to him. Only difference to this situation was his dad ran off woth someone else and he actually has a sibling 9months apart and then additional sibling. He still felt the abandonment when he realised when he was older and blamed not being good enough.
Just to add another perspective of how the she might be feeling.
She hasn't bothered with her dad since we took her to America in November and when we got home she has only been round once or twice at Christmas and out for a meal. I tried explaining to her in a really nice way that her dad is feeling upset and like she is distancing herself but she has got personal against me instead.
Like Unnerved said - there may well be feelings of resentment in this girl - but you can't do anything about that. If she is avoiding her Dad then it may well be that in an immature way she wants attention from her Dad. But if any resentment is at you or your children then it won't get any better by you trying to make it better - as you have experienced it just makes her angry at you. Just make sure you do feel stable with your DP - otherwise the whole thing will fall apart.
My ex who i spoke about previously in my post acted the same and only half hearted bothered with his dad. It really affected him, the resentment and ate him up inside. He always said he would never be like his dad but he did the excate same thing ran off with someone else and left his son. I think he could of done with some counselling as he never seemed to get over the fact he felt like an outsider.
I was thinking the same as what Unnerved said.
Growing up, it may well be that she is acknowledging the reality that her father left them and her mother who was pregnant or with a new baby for you who was also pregnant or just had a baby that wasn't even her fathers. When kids are younger, they don't fully understand but resentment can kick in when they do along with their hormones and being more outspoken and opinionated as teenagers.
This is exactly what happened to my best friend. She distanced herself from her father over the years and now has once/twice a year contact. It was nothing to do with what her mother was telling her. I also know a 15 year old boy who is doing the exact the same thing now for the exact same reason and he has no interest in discussing why he feels like he does with his father.
You can't force someone to like someone, or to want a relationship with their parents. I think it can also turn itself around again when they get older.
So at 19 you had a baby and also got together with I'm assuming a much older dp who had also just had a baby and also had an 8 year old dd?
Then when she was 11 and you were 22 another DC was added to the mix.
That's quite a chaotic life!!
IMO you can't 'step parent' a DC you are only 11 years older than. This was only ever going to end badly.
Your dp should concentrate on raising his dcs and not go around hooking up with teenagers when he's old enough to know better.
I want to also add as teenagers they become very self aware of friends family set ups so resentment over how her father left and had a family with a much younger woman can be extremely painful and embrassing for her given your only 11years older.
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