He knew what he was getting into

(110 Posts)
WhoGivesAFlying Fri 15-Jan-16 09:56:18

We've all heard the saying "you knew what you were getting into when you got with a man with children"....but why is it only the SM who are held accountable in most people's eyes? Surly the dad should also realise that, getting with a woman with no children or even just the fact that the woman isn't thier mum and won't have the same feelings mean they should also be held to account? Why is it that the compromise should be all on the SP.

Just musing here

WhoGivesAFlying Fri 15-Jan-16 10:13:05

Reading another thread on here it seems the general rule is that the SM should fall in line with everything that goes with a partner with children i.e. last minute changes cancellations and not say one thing and to not expect to be consulted about it. I'm sure most SM's are very flexible, but why do they get flamed for wanting to be informed (dare I say asked). After all, he knew what he was getting into....didn't he?

Smidge001 Fri 15-Jan-16 10:17:56

Fair point. I've seen similar comments and got the impression that it's the general theory (by those people) that children are simply more important than anyone else grin

CantWaitforWarmWeather Fri 15-Jan-16 10:23:43

I agree!

People always make the stepdad out to be so hard done by because he's in a relationship with the RP (in most cases). Stepdads "have it tougher" apparently because they have to provide more financially than a stepmum does, and he has to look after the child more etc... Because he lives with the resident parent.

Well, he knew what he was getting himself in to!grin If stepmums don't deserve any sympathy then stepdads certainly aren't going to get a "poor diddums" from me!

WhoGivesAFlying Fri 15-Jan-16 10:24:35

I've said to my DH in the past that no one persons happiness superexceeds any other person in the house. We all need to feel as important and happy, and we all need to compromise sometimes. Never works out like that all the time though hmm

WhoGivesAFlying Fri 15-Jan-16 10:27:22

cantwait I'm talking about nrd's too. They should realise they can't just do as they please without a thought to thier new partner. If they want that then stay single smile change contact? Fine, run it by your new partner, don't just expect her to fall in line.

louisaglasson Fri 15-Jan-16 10:35:43

I think it might be because it's in response to the SM posting here that it's said. But you are right it applies both ways.

My ex complained to me that it wasn't fair that I got to do things on my child free weekends and he couldn't, and that he didn't have any money. Tough luck mate, you chose to live with a woman who had children who and didn't work!

WhoGivesAFlying Fri 15-Jan-16 10:44:31

It is the response, but sometimes it seems to be the default response no matter how unreasonable the request (or lack of it) from the dad.

CantWaitforWarmWeather Fri 15-Jan-16 11:11:28

Ah I get you!
I don't like it when my DP makes arrangements for when he wont be here without first consulting me.

I've already started thinking about the February half term, and I just don't want to be default childcare provider "because I knew he had a child when I met him". I have my own life and it doesn't revolve around DP and his ex's childcare issues! smile

WhoGivesAFlying Fri 15-Jan-16 11:20:08

what would he do if you weren't there?

CantWaitforWarmWeather Fri 15-Jan-16 11:28:43

God knows! Holiday club perhaps.
But even his ex has tried to use me during the holidays as well and it really pisses me off.

Petal02 Fri 15-Jan-16 11:35:38

I've already started thinking about February half term, and I don't want to be default childcare provided 'because I knew he had a child when I met him"

Ah yes, I got to the point where I had to pre-empt school holidays, and think creatively!

louisaglasson Fri 15-Jan-16 11:39:19

There are certainly some very inconsiderate partners out there.

WhoGivesAFlying Fri 15-Jan-16 11:40:06

I've heard this before on other posts, it's ok if you are happy to do it but if it's expected and no consultation than that just takes the piss.

i also here that SM need to suck it up when a dsc dictates what goes on in the household....but that might be another thread grin

CantWaitforWarmWeather Fri 15-Jan-16 11:51:42

Ah yes, I got to the point where I had to pre-empt school holidays, and think creatively!

It's bad that you even need to be creative in order for people to not have a go at you. It's like I have to think up some good excuses why I can't look after dp's child all week in February. Half of the week, fine (but even then I should get a say in which half). All week, not fine.

amarmai Fri 15-Jan-16 11:55:35

men marry their 1st wife for the services they hope to receive. They marry the 2nd wife for the same reason and that def includes looking after their cc from the 1st wife. Get the hormonal romantic mist out of your eyes- that doesn't last -but the services are expected to continue for as long as needed.

CantWaitforWarmWeather Fri 15-Jan-16 11:59:33

DP has also just started a new job, and has been given the option of working every weekend. I hope to god he doesn't have to do that option because eow it means he won't be around anymore but his contact schedule carries on as normal just because I will be at home. And if I was to make a fuss about it then I'm classed as being awkward!

CallieTorres Fri 15-Jan-16 12:04:06

CantWait - that sounds shit - surely the point of contact is for DCs to be in contact with their parent?

Shutthatdoor Fri 15-Jan-16 12:04:57

men marry their 1st wife for the services they hope to receive. They marry the 2nd wife for the same reason and that def includes looking after their cc from the 1st wife. Get the hormonal romantic mist out of your eyes- that doesn't last -but the services are expected to continue for as long as needed

Where did you get that gem of advice from. Stereotypes and generalisations r us?

BertrandRussell Fri 15-Jan-16 12:07:46

"Fair point. I've seen similar comments and got the impression that it's the general theory (by those people) that children are simply more important than anyone else grin"

Well they are!

Petal02 Fri 15-Jan-16 12:18:29

DP has been given the option of working every weekend, I hope to god he doesn't because it means he won't be around for his EOW contact schedule, but the schedule carries on as normal just because I'm at home, and it I make a fuss then I'm classed as being awkward

I feel your pain. During the winter, DH used to work Saturdays, but DSS (who came to us Thurs-Sun EOW) still used to be with us alternate Saturdays, as per the rota. OK, I could see DH's point that he couldn't take him home on Friday night then bring him back after work on a Saturday, but it still meant that I spent every other Saturday with DSS, and despite DH's insistence "it makes no different to you whether he's here or not" it actually made a HUGE difference. DSS would basically take over the lounge/tv/remote control/sofa for the day, leaving me rather displaced in my own home. I used to find it really difficult, and I could never see the point in it.

Before DH met me, he still worked Saturdays in the winter, and DSS would spend Saturdays alone at our house.

A lot of men seem to have access commitments that they can't really cover.

WhoGivesAFlying Fri 15-Jan-16 12:23:00

so if the parents are unhappy it doesn't matter? Do you not think that it has an impact on the kids bert*?

WhoGivesAFlying Fri 15-Jan-16 12:24:02

Or does it not matter if it's only one of the parents, step or otherwise

CantWaitforWarmWeather Fri 15-Jan-16 12:54:58

despite DH's insistence "it makes no different to you whether he's here or not" it actually made a HUGE difference

Oh but it does make a huge difference, I agree. The dynamics change a lot. Yesterday dsd attempted to rub it in Ds's face about the fact that she's going on "3 holidays this year and he's not" just because it was his friend's birthday at school and he gave ds some sweets, and she didn't like it how Ds had something she didn't have. I would rather keep the times I'm on my own looking after her to a minimum because it's this type of crap I hate having to deal with on my own. It was no nasty and spiteful and now she's getting older she's starting to play on how lucky she is.

CantWaitforWarmWeather Fri 15-Jan-16 12:55:58

It was *so nasty

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