Step Parent, Nerves and worries.

[nixen92]

2015 was such a tough year, I split with my partner twice as he treated me terrible, it was like being in an abusive relationship and I deserve better than that and to be treated with love and affection.

but in September after a couple of months of being apart he had a breakdown and couldn't believe he had lost me, after weeks of him begging for me back I felt back for him as he was such a mess, he did some lovely things like sending me flowers every hour of the day etc... so I decided to take him back as ive always been totally besotted with him. shortly after we got back together we had a weekend in Paris which was so much fun. when things are good we get on like a house on fire.

it wasn't like before our relationship is stronger than ever and we have just bought a house together and moved in.

it took me a while to get used to the "new us" and I have been suffering from anxiety as I kept thinking it was going to go back to how it was before.

but now we have the house and Christmas is out of the way, were starting to get settled. he has mentioned engagement a couple of times and we have a laugh and giggle. I just want to be a good step mum to his two kids.

he has a boy and a girl. but I am still suffering from extreme nervousness and anxiety (not that I let on to any one) sometimes I just shut myself away and have a good old cry.

since we have come back to work he has changed a little and seems a little distant. he has made a few mean comments but I am just putting it down to him showing off at work in front of people. I am so looking forward to the future ahead I am just still really nervous about the whole situation. should I be? or should I just suck it up and ignore everything?

Help?

[Sunbeam1112]

I think you should leave the step mom part until your relationship is more stable. You say your on and off. This isnt a healthly envirnoment for the kids. I would take things slowly as you don't want him slipping ito old habits. I would keep an engagement off the cards for a while. Whats the rush?

[maybebabybee]

it was like being in an abusive relationship

What is the difference, to you, between a relationship that is like an abusive relationship, and one that is actually an abusive relationship? How do you tell the difference?

I have seen many men like this over the years. In my experience they don't change. It is extremely common for them to have so-called breakdowns when you give them the heave-ho and then be nice for a while to regain control. The point is they can't maintain it. A few nasty comments here and there may seem innocuous but they aren't. My former stepfather did a whole month of 'nice' before the nasty came back with an absolute vengeance and now my mum has finally managed to get away she has had to get an injunction out against him.

I am not saying this is the case with you, but you seem to have a gut instinct that something is not ok and I don't think that has got anything to do with his DC. Indeed, they're kind of irrelevant here. I am not surprised you suffer from anxiety given your experiences, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it

In answer to your question, should I just suck if up and ignore everything....of course you shouldn't. Trust your gut. It's very powerful and you shouldn't ignore it.

[maybebabybee]

Sorry, former step father did a whole six months of nice, that should read.

[nixen92]

emotional abuse is what I went through so I know the difference compared to how it is now. its completely different.

I wasn't involved with the kids while it was unstable but now we are happy and bought a house together its fine and we all get on well.

im not a very strong person and only came on here for supportive advise on Dailey activities.

[maybebabybee]

you are a strong person lovely don't put yourself down!

I'm not saying he is emotionally abusive, I'm just saying don't expect that just because he's ok now it means he has changed as my experience is that he won't have done.

WRT daily activities etc, have you gone to your GP? They may be able to refer you for some counselling which you might find helpful.

[hownottofuckup]

What are these mean comments he has made that you have put down to him showing off (concerning) were they in front of other people?

To me, that all reads like you know that there is something amiss in this relationship.

[nixen92]

I feel like im just waiting for something bad to happen even though it might now. im a bit on edge as it were.

our relationship as a whole is strong and healthy.

I have gone to my gp and they have put me on some tablets.

it is hard to put personalities and scenarios through text like this. He is a very jokey sort of person, really does just say it how it is most of the time.

we get on very well but like every relationship we all have our good and bad days.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

If you are on edge I think you know that this is not healthy for you. But I think you have convinced yourself that it is OK. It sounds like you need to be on your own and take your own mental health seriously, it's not something to be scared of. I was on my own for years and had some of the best times of my life so far.

[Wdigin2this]

I'll be honest with you and say, it sounds like you want it to work, but you know it isn't! If he's already making nasty comments, in front of people or not, it doesn't sound like life with him is going to get easier!

However, you've bought a house together, so I suppose you have to give it a go. But, take no crap...if he says unkind/unpleasant/hurtful things, don't just think, 'oh that's his way', stand up for yourself and say, you wont be spoken to like that!

As for his DC, I think you really need to see how things go with your DP, before you get too involved in their lives!

[lunar1]

You need to reflect on the timeframe here. At some point in September he spent weeks begging for another chance. So in under three months, he's been super nice, you got back together, bought a house and moved in and been through Christmas, and his negative comments have started again. You should be in your honeymoon phase right now.

I'd be looking for couples therapy if there wasn't a history of emotional abuse. I don't know the answer as you have bought a house. The only thing I'd say for sure is that I wouldn't get very involved with his children, things are too unstable and it's not fair to them. No idea how you manage that living together though. How often does he have his children? And so you have any?