My teenage step- son is really pushing my buttons. Help please!

[Masseycaines3003]

Hi I've never used a forum before, but I think I'm in need of advice!

I am 26yrs and I have a step son who is 16yrs.

I do love him unconditionally and believe I am being the best step-parent I could be but....

It seems he lives to push my buttons, it's the simplest of day to day tasks that he seems to struggle with (or not bothering with). As. 16 year old I was expected to help around the house etc.... But this seems to be totally foreign and he seems to think it's a punishment.

Basically what I'm asking is, is there any way I can not get so worked up and have more patience with him? My partner (his mother) seems to have endless patience with him and let's things go over her head. I feel he needs to understand respect and boundaries more which makes me look like the bad person!

Help please!

[maybebabybee]

Hi OP. There is not much age difference between you. There is about the same age difference between my mum and my older half sister and I know they found it very difficult for that reason.

I don't really have advice particularly but just wanted to sympathise. I agree that teenagers should help around the house but you may have a lot of people come on here and say that it's not generally done...depends on the parent.

[Masseycaines3003]

Hey you're right thane difference is not very much at all considering. But I feel a lot older now!
I mean we're talking the odd bit of washing up, hoovering etc I think it teaches responsibility and consideration for what needs to be done on a daily basis.
You're right, I know of a few parents that don't expect their kids to help around the house but unfortunately in some cases it make the child lazy and ungrateful for what their parents do for them.
Recently I feel I have a very short fuse with his attitude and I know I shouldn't take it personally as he's at a prime confusing teenage stage!

[mummytime]

Thinking "when I was that age I was expected to..." will not help much.

You need to get some private time with your partner, and discuss what you both expect everyone to do around the house etc. Just like you would if you were "flat mates". And to be honest you need to decide if you can live with the result or not.
Different parents parent differently, and after 16 years there is not a lot of influence you can have.

It's not your place to enforce boundaries. Respect tends to be earned, and you are very close to his own age. But don't overlook that if his mother doesn't bring him up short about lack of respect for you, then that shows you something about her respect too.

[KatharineClifton]

You need to deal with your 'short fuse' regardless.

In an ideal world teens would help around the house, it's their house too. In reality it's a hell of a lot easier to just let life go on without the hassle.

[Masseycaines3003]

Thanks everyone, you've put things into perspective I appreciate that.

I've had some hard jobs in the past but parenting is by far the most challenging thing I've been a part of. I love seeing him happy and safe and need to be more grateful for how he is as he's not a bad kid at all, it's just me learning how to be a good parent. My partner is very supportive and encouraging with how I parent and we make a good balance.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Most teenagers do know the weaknesses or 'buttons' of any 'parent' - not that our DSS is being deliberately horrible. I find that just being as straight as I can with both my own teenager and DSC - ie 'Look, you KNOW that is something that winds me up when you leave your clothes... etc so can you PLEASE clear them up - followed up by a consequence - if you don't then ...'. It should be appropriate to his age, and try to pick only a few battles, turn a blind eye to most things as you've come in too late in his life to be able to change an awful lot.

You shouldn't be in the position of having to parent very much for a start.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

your sorry, not 'our' !

[Masseycaines3003]

You're right, he is a really good lad compared to most and I definitely need to pick my battles better. I also need to gain more patience with him as he's only learning.
Being a step parent is very rewarding but partner says she couldn't do it!
I suppose I selfishly just wanted to find out if my approach was right or at least part right from other step parents.

[littlegreen66]

From a parent, of course he should help. But expecting him to do it with good grace is a bit unrealistic. It's a teen thing, not a stepson thing.

From a SM whose 8 year old DSS expects to be waited on hand and foot (fairly universal for 8 year olds in my limited experience ), it's best to come to an agreement with your DP. If she doesn't support you then it's only fair she does DSS's share of the chores, surely

I am finding with the 8 year old, and found with my now grownup DS, that humorous exaggerated nagging along the lines of enquiring what their last slave died of etc. and then being genuinely appreciative of any jobs they do bears fruit.

Good luck!