would this bother you or AIBU?

[movingonup2015]

My OH has a DS, we are not married and we don't live together. We have been together for over a year.

I often go to OH's house to have tea with him and his DS, we all have a great time, DS looks forward to me coming over etc. He knows I am his dad's girlfriend and I was introduced very slowly as a friend first so he could get to know me.

His mum has a boyfriend and introduced her DS to her boyfriend within a week - she has been seeing him for a month -her choice/business but whenever her boyfriend is over and my OH calls his DS he will have no problem saying "oh I'm just doing x y z with mums boyfriend"

However, when my OH's ex wife found out he was seeing someone else (they divorced 3 years ago) she threw an absolute shit fit and said I was never to be in the company of her DS, he asked why not and she could not give a reason - just kept saying I don't know why I just don't want her anywhere near him - so that screams green eyed monster to me. She then made up a load of lies saying that her DS is terrified of me and hates me and doesn't want to go over to his dads when I'm there etc - that turned out to be a complete pack of lies so we carried on as normal.

Anyway - every time I am in the company of DSS and his mum calls him he won't say I'm there... for example last night OH was in the bath and I was downstairs playing on the computer with DSS - having a great time - his mum calls and he said oh I'm just on the computer with my dad..... If he is at my house and she calls he will say he's at his dads house. Last week we were out and about and she called and said who are you with he said no one, just dad.... I find it all a bit odd if I'm honest - almost as if he's too scared to mention he's anywhere near me..


I had a word with OH about this, this morning and he said just let it go if she is giving him shit about spending time with you its easier to just pretend you aren't there.. now personally I don't think it's wise for him to keep lying to his mum, if she is giving him hell for spending time with me that's seriously out of order don't you think? I've asked OH if he could maybe have a word with EXW to discuss it - see if she does have a problem but he refuses - wont discuss anything with her unless he really has to.

Am I over reacting and should just let her think I'm never around, to keep the peace?

[Bellemere]

There's a really good book called Divorce Poison which can help with techniques for handling this kind of thing that empower and protect the child rather than inadvertently placing them in the middle of the conflict. I have it on the kindle app on my phone, cost about a fiver from Amazon.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Sounds like the child is protecting himself. It is horrible for the mum to put her son in this position, however there are people who choose not to be reasonable after divorce. If I were in your position I'd give your DSS some time, if he thinks he's caused any strife it would make him feel awful.

At some point, your OH will need to stick up for you as it is bound to come up again. But it's not up to the DSS to start this, it's his Dad's responsibility to have any discussions or put things straight.

[reni2]

It's a bloody minefield in the early years. It is a real shame your dss feels he needs to lie to keep the peace. I would leave it as it is at the moment, slowly but surely you will be an obvious presence in you dss's live, especially if you go on holidays or move in together in the future or get married. It will get better, the most important thing is dss has clearly accepted you even if it sadly means he is being forced to lie at the moment.

[movingonup2015]

Thanks all - it would be the easier option to let it lie, it just concerns me that at the moment she thinks whenever my OH has his DS I am never around so that keeps her happy. If when he goes home she asks him if I am around he could be again trying to keep her happy and say no which again is letting her hear what she wants.

This is in no way me trying to get "one up" on her at all I am just concerned that me and OH have discussed living together - we will probably make the move next year and he will be moving in with me as his house is rented. She is obviously then going to have to know the new living arrangements and one almighty shit storm will happen and poor DSS gets dragged back into it because he had been lying the whole time and she was blissfully unaware I was still around...
I can see contact becoming a problem then because no consent order was made during the divorce as the contact was always amicable.

surely letting her know NOW that I am still around is going to give her time to get used to the inevitable....

Poor kid - he really is a good kid he tries his absolute best to keep his mum and his dad happy I'm just concerned he's going to get dragged into this big time further along the line so it needs to be stopped now but its not my place to tell DSS to stop lying and how do you convince someone that hates speaking to their ex to have the convo!

[reni2]

Next year when moving in you can just say you were doing the intros slowly. It will become a lot more normal, there can be a bit of irrational angst about being replaced by a stepparent sometimes. Cross that bridge when you come to it, there might be a fallout, there might not. Same goes if you get married or have a child together, these are the times that can be fraught. One day you will hopefully all sit together at dss's graduation or wedding in harmony. It can work even if it's a bit shit at the beginning.

[littlegreen66]

Your OH must step up, I'm afraid. It is wrong of him to expect DSS to lie to keep the peace and it will create a serious problem later.

My DH's exW pulled a similar stunt in a remarkably similar situation and he just said "I will not live two separate lives" and ignored her.

I would encourage gentle introduction as suggested up thread. Can you talk to DSS and find out his take on it? His reasons for behaving as he does may be informative - is he basing this on the original reaction or is it on-going? Is he trying to protect her, or protect his dad, or just himself?

He sounds like a lovely sensitive kid - he deserves better than this.

[reni2]

It is also possible the ExW will become much more relaxed, sometimes the idea is to protect a child from bonding with then losing contact with a never ending string of girlfriends and if it becomes obvious it's a long term relationship things get better, so hang on in there. Agree your dp will have to bite the bullet and have the talk sooner or later.

[movingonup2015]

well it happened again last night - DSS came to my house as my OH was helping me with some DIY. His phone rang (DS mum) and DSS kept looking at the screen to purposely delay answering and when the missed call screen came he just said oh ill ring her back later....

It then rang again a few more times so he answered and ran upstairs!

OH then confronted him and he said oh dad everytime I mention her mummy pulls a face and says she doesn't like her so its just easier not to mention her....

She knows this isn't just a fling, she knows we are serious about each other but as she's still bitter about the whole breakup and regrets it then I don't think she will ever accept that we are together.

Well it cant go on forever, there will be times where I will be heard in the background - I refuse to keep mouse quiet whenever she calls anymore especially in my own house. OH refuses to bring it up with his ex so I'm just going to have to hope that this unravels peacefully and poor DSS doesn't get dragged into when marriage/kids/moving in happens....

[MeridianB]

OP, sorry if I have missed it but I don't think you said how old DSS is. If he's still little then this is a problem but if he's older (9+) I can understand that it's much easier for him to keep the peace this way for now. I see it as an ongoing white lie rather than a grand deception.

Of course parents cannot dictate what their child does and with whom when they with the other parent. This applies equally to your DP, who presumably has not said anything about his son keeping away from ex's new BF.

As others have said, I'd leave it for now and work towards something healthier when you start firming up plans to move in together.

Focus on the huge positives, one of which is that DSS likes spending time with you and accepts you, which is brilliant and cannot be easy when his DM says she doesn't. He sounds like a bright young man.

[reni2]

It'll happen quite naturally when you've moved in, there will be pictures with you in, you'll often be in the room during phone calls, in fact you might answer the phone! Nothing normalises a sm more than her hanging up dss's socks in the background of a Skype call. I wouldn't push it, dss just wants to avoid 'the look', rather than ExW outright trying to ban contact. It is a bit dependent on his age as LPs said. If he's 9, let it lie. If he's 4 he might need more reassurance he's not doing something terribly forbidden.

[reni2]

PP not lp

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

Your DHs DS should be supported and praised for coming up with a coping strategy that works for him.

Having a hostile parent is horrible and for many kids, the only way of coping is to cut one parent out of their lives completely.

Your DPs son sounds as if he's coping incredibly well. Your DP should keep those lines of comnunication open and ensure that his DS knows that there are other people (pastoral care at school, a church elder or counsellor) who he can talk to if he needs to.

If his way of coping with his mums hostility is to never mention you to her, while at the same time, having a positive relationship with you, then please, please don't force the issue. Yes, it hurts, but the alternative could be that your stepchild suddenly disappears from your life. From experience, I can assure you, that hurts more.

[swingofthings]

It's really up to your OH and his son to decide whether and what to tell her. I understand it is not nice for you, but it is not for you to decide that now is the right time to say anything. I totally understand that DSS doesn't want to have to listen to his mum having a rant about it, and your OH supports his son. Do the same and be the better person about it. Who cares what she knows or doesn't know!

[heavens2betsy]

It may well be that your DSS is protecting his time with his dad as he knows that if she is aware that you are present on the visits she will stop contact. Its a coping strategy.
Poor kid.

[GuineverePettigrew]

Is your DH supporting your DSS through all of this? Even if he doesn't want to rock the boat with his ex, his son should at least know that while it's not fair of him to be in the situation, if it's easier for him both you and his dad will support that, but if anything changes he'll have his dad's support too? My DP's ex is similar but he has had age-appropriate discussions with his kids so that they all know he (& I) have their backs - without running her down.

[Florin]

I have seen this from a slightly different angle. My dh's parents are split and FIL remarried. MIL doesn't like the idea of new wife (I say new they have been together for about 18 years!) Husband often lies about step Mum being around or the amount of time we all spend together (we all get on well). At the start I got cross with him for doing it but have learnt that actually it is sometimes easier for a quieter life to keep everyone happy. It doesn't really worry dh at all and it has been going on since he was a teenager. He doesn't see any point in regularly upsetting his Mum which I can now see mainly as I just want a peaceful life without it all kicking off! It doesn't affect his relationship with his step Mum either so everyone happy. He tends to just avoid picking up his phone to his Mum when we are there. We have a toddler though so I have warned dh that he is going to have to start telling the truth more as before you know it the toddler will.