So I'm not sure if I really qualify to be posting here but I've been loitering for a while and would really value some feedback from women who've been here before.
I've been with DP for 18 months and he has two DSs (12 and 9) - he's been separated for 5 years and is currently going through the divorce process. His ex is regularly in contact 20+ times a day (text, email, phone calls) varying from little updates to hate filled messages telling him he's ruined their lives and put the children into social deprivation by leaving them. She's quite religious and often tells him in front of the children that divorce is a sin and he should be ashamed to be putting her through this.
Anyway, on to my question! We're planning to introduce me to the boys and we want to manage that properly. He has spoken to the ex about it and she initially flat out refused to let them meet me but is now saying she will let it happen if she is there. She said it's going to be extremely traumatic for them to meet me and she wants to be there to help them through the guaranteed emotional turmoil they will face.
DP is very anti this and feels she is just trying to control the situation and make the first meeting uncomfortable. We're very keen for that first meeting to be relaxed, brief and fun - a non-event, really. I'm nervous that she will make it uncomfortable and tense; even if they don't fully understand why it's awkward, surely they'll feel it and that's what they'll remember from that meeting?
If she wants to be there to show them there is nothing wrong with being friends with me, ease their potential feelings of disloyalty etc then I understand that, but DP is pretty convinced that's not the plan.
I have no idea what it must feel like for your children to be introduced to a significant other, so I want to be sensitive to that. However she's introduced the boys to 2 other men without consulting my DP, so it makes a mockery of it slightly!
Anyway, any advice/suggestions etc would be really appreciated!
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The all important first meeting...
Andsoitbegins88 · 06/10/2015 21:22
Sorry for delay in replying!
3phase: he has the boys at his house overnight on a wednesday & friday. He is pushing for alternate weekends but she is having none of that - definitely all about the control.
She regularly infers he won't see the boys if he doesn't give more money/change days/help more but I don't think she's ever done it.
Bananasinpyjamas1: she is extremely controlling and is very much the victim, everything is someone else's fault and she uses him as the outlet for all of her frustration. I think he's been on the receiving end for so long that he's become desensitised to how inappropriate and toxic that is. He's definitely standing up to her more and more now, without my prompting. He absolutely doesn't want her there when I meet the boys, it was me asking for advice as I don't want to be unsympathetic, and he's arranging something fun and brief for this weekend.
There is definitely a long road ahead and you're absolutely right that he's so full of guilt and she plays on that. However, we're making progress and with a bit of support he's dealing with it in the right way on his own. He's definitely contributed to her behaviour in allowing it (out of guilt, ease and fear of her following through on her threats re access to the boys) but he's got his eyes wide open now and I'm not going to let her ridiculous behaviour stop us progressing or being together. Not that I haven't considered it 
bananasinpyjamas1 - makes perfect sense, actually! Up to now I've been really conscious not to be overly involved or have too much of an opinion - especially in the earlier days. I've also been warned by various people not to 'sink to her level' but I think you're right, in certain instances it might be beneficial to fight fire with fire. I might enjoy that too much, it's for his own good right 
dontmindthestep your response has actually made me feel quite emotional!
I suggested exactly that to DP and we (I) set up an email address just for them to use to communicate about the boys and the divorce (he's adamant they can work the financials out together, don't get me started on that!) and we composed a nicely worded email saying what it was for and why. She has refused to use it saying she won't be dictated to how/when she can contact him and he's essentially rolled over.
I'm so frustrated I could cry (today is an emotional day, it seems!) because he's allowing this behaviour. His response is he's trying to keep her onside because she holds all the power, in his eyes. He's using the email address but she refuses, so we've got a ridiculous situation where she replies to an email by text then he'll send his reply by email. But often he gets fed up of that & just replied by text, which undermines the whole thing.
It's so reassuring to hear your points of view ladies, thank you 
. I don't really talk about the situation much as not many people can understand so I often doubt my own thoughts or reactions.
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