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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Husband ogling adult step daughter

68 replies

FireExitSquad · 06/10/2015 11:45

Hi, I am in such a dilemma - I don't know what to do or whether I am over-reacting...
I married my husband a year ago, been with him a total of 5 years. I have children from a previous relationship (aged 18, 15, 14). My daughter is 18 and I have caught my husband ogling her - looking her up and down, staring at her etc. Now, this isn't a new thing - I thought I had noticed it before, but when I looked at my husband to catch him, he always looked away.
When my husband and daughter chat, my husband puts on a fake fecking laugh and thinks everything she says is funny?! Which it isnt btw lol!
At the weekend just passed, we were all having lunch round the table and I blatantly caught my husband having a good stare at her. And I am not talking about a few seconds looking, I am talking about minutes!
I was raging mad but I waited until all the kids were out of the way to speak to my husband about it. He completely denied looking/starting at her! What the heck do I do? What would you do?
To add in a curve ball, I am currently 7 months pregnant.
Please, I am desperate for advice. Thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:

Report

NewLife4Me · 06/10/2015 11:51

Eww how horrible.
I'd have his things packed if he didn't admit to it, does he think you are daft?
are any of your other dc girls?
You know this isn't right, but it's up to you what you do about it.
Next time he does it pull him up there and then, you can speak in code so your dd doesn't know what you mean.
Has she noticed, or said anything. i think it would be hard not to notice somebody staring at you for minutes.

Seriouslyffs · 06/10/2015 11:52

I don't know what you mean.
Do you think there's something sinister about the way he looks at her? Are you sure he interacts with her differently from the other dcs? You sound very insecure.

MascaraAndConverse · 06/10/2015 11:54

Why does she sound insecure?,

Deathtomoonsand · 06/10/2015 11:56

Your poor dd . How long has this been going on for? Before or after you got married.

I would leave him. (I would have left him the first time - of course he denied it!).

BumWad · 06/10/2015 11:57

Sounds grim op. I couldn't live with a pervy DH like that. It's not acceptable. He needs to go!

Anastasie · 06/10/2015 11:57

How do you feel towards him? Do you generally love him and want to be with him? Has he any other behaviours that piss you off?

He sounds, if it is true what you're describing, like he has some real issues around appropriate behaviour.

I'm afraid I could not put up with someone like that.

Sorry to hear you are pregnant by him. Please don't stay with him because of that though.

Deathtomoonsand · 06/10/2015 11:59

She doesn't sound insecure! Are you suggesting that ogling - or a lecherous gaze is not a real thing, that it is not obvious - that her dh is not capable of objectifying her daughter, his step daughter?

QueenofallIsee · 06/10/2015 12:04

I would pack his bags. My aunts husband progressed from eyeing up my sister and I, to flirting to a proper try on as we were 'legal adults and not really related'..if I had lived with him I would have left home. Your DD has nowhere to hide.

Your husband has known her since she was a child and is now objectifying her, that is really really disturbing. 18 or not she needs protecting in her own home

Fairylea · 06/10/2015 12:12

That's incredibly weird and I'd feel very angry and uncomfortable knowing he'd known her since 13 and was being like this - he should see her as a daughter.

I think in your situation I would have to ask him to leave for my own sanity and the sake of my daughter.

CainInThePunting · 06/10/2015 12:12

I'd be very surprised if she hasn't noticed it too.

What about getting it out in the open? Make a joke out of it so that he feels like a prat for doing it and is more aware that it's obvious to everyone else?

He should be feeling bad about it not you.

Anastasie · 06/10/2015 12:17

What about getting it out in the open? Make a joke out of it so that he feels like a prat for doing it and is more aware that it's obvious to everyone else?

That risks minimising it and normalising it.

Deathtomoonsand · 06/10/2015 12:17

I don't think making it into a joke is very healthy. It's not funny, is it? It's just nasty. The last thing the op's dd needs is a mother who minimises her right to be in her family without being wank fodder for her step father

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 06/10/2015 12:20

DD has nowhere to hide.

Your husband has known her since she was a child and is now objectifying her, that is really really disturbing. 18 or not she needs protecting in her own home.

^ This.

FireExitSquad · 06/10/2015 12:22

(apologies if this doesnt post to the correct place!)

NewLife4Me: I only have one daughter and I am quite sure she would tell me if she had noticed my husband staring. But you never know - she might be too afraid of upsetting me in my 'condition'.

Seriouslyffs: Yes, I am probably a little insecure right now given that I feel huge (pregnant) and hormones everywhere etc. However, there is a difference between looking and staring, and quite frankly, my husband is staring.

Deathtomoonsand: Tbh, I catch my husband staring at me, but always put it down to a 'love-stare' lol! But at the weekend, it was that same look he gave my daughter. (to clarify: i haven't spoken to my daughter about this as I don't want to make her feel uneasy or for her to think I am blaming her in some way... ) I previously thought my husband was staring at her, but never caught him doing it until the weekend. Iv thought there was something funny since I had to get surgery 18 months ago and was in hospital for 3 nights and he was in the house with the kids. We have been married a year btw.

Anastasie: How I feel towards my husband - right now i hate him and dont want him anywhere near me! He is sleeping on the couch atm and we are not speaking. Generally, he annoys the bloody hell out of me - how much of that is pregnancy hormones, I dont know.

I actually think I have answered my own question - that he needs to leave. Thanks everyone for your input. I have a hard conversation to have tonight to have with him.

OP posts:

Anastasie · 06/10/2015 12:24

Can you talk to your dd regarding the time you were in hospital especially? Make sure she knows she can talk to you about it/him/whatever happens.

TheSwallowingHandmaiden · 06/10/2015 12:26

Well done for coming to the right conclusion, OP. Good luck with ridding yourself of this pervy, emotionally-infantile man.

poppycomeshome · 06/10/2015 12:32

Good luck OP what an incredibly difficult decision, but sometimes helps to come on here and define your own feelings. I don't think you can trust him is what I hear, and your dd is still relatively young, what a horrible position for her to be in.
If you feel like you do, it is probably the right thing. Wishing you the best with your baby x

Duckdeamon · 06/10/2015 12:33

She is not an adult, she is just 18 and he has known her for many years, since she was a young teen. How horrible of him.

I would plan to leave him as soon as you could get stuff organised.

Seriouslyffs · 06/10/2015 12:33

If you're sure your husband is looking with sexual intent, then of course he must go. I'm just confused because I can't imagine my DH ogling anyone.

CainInThePunting · 06/10/2015 12:37

Perhaps Anastasie but it changes the dynamic from the women in the house feeling embarrassed and upset to him being the butt of the joke and having to address his behaviour.

However, OPs update re the hospital stay puts a different spin on it IMO. If you think he has made a pass at her that is far more serious.

Seriouslyffs · 06/10/2015 12:39

What are you alluding to with the 18 months ago surgery 3 nights?
I'm finding this thread really irritating as I'm reading a whole lot of suspicions, and nothing concrete. Getting pregnant by a man you don't trust then kicking him out because you think he's a pervert when you could have put your mind at rest by talking years ago is feckless.

GoggiGiYah · 06/10/2015 12:48

My stepfather was creepy like this. My sister and I used to catch him coming out of our bedroom (we were teens) when he thought nobody was home, and he'd make up lies as to why he was in there.

He'd regularly tell us off in front of our mum for leaving 'dirty underwear' in our bedrooms - how the hell did he know they were worn, and why did he keep going in there to inspect?!

He once described me as "sophisticated and sexy" in front of my mum, and we regularly caught him staring at us. But my mum was obsessed with the guy, even allowing this behaviour from him and backing him up. We both ended up leaving home at 17.

The relationships have never been the same. My mum is still with him, but admits she now "hates him" but is dependent on him. She won't admit why she hates him though, but I suspect its because of this behaviour and now blames him for the fractured relationship she has with us.

His first wife divorced him because he had an affair with her younger sister, and he left my mum once for another younger woman, but came back a month later (when the younger woman binned him), so he had form. I have no idea why my mum sacrificed us for him, and then ruined the relationship with her daughters forever.

So, speaking from the daughters perspective, you're doing the right thing to leave him. Because your daughter probably has noticed, and if she hasn't yet she will eventually. I didnt feel confident enough to tell my mum how it all made me feel, because she too was pregnant to him and worshipped the ground he walked on (at that time). If you stayed with him and she felt she had to leave because he made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe, she will harbour resentment for you not protecting her...

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BlahBlahUsername · 06/10/2015 12:53

Iv thought there was something funny since I had to get surgery 18 months ago and was in hospital for 3 nights and he was in the house with the kids.

When your dd was 16? I really really hope that your dd hasn't been coping with his unwanted attention alone for at least 18 months...

It's quite possible that he doesn't hide his feelings now because he has gone unchallenged for all that time.

'Concrete' evidence in this case would be horrifying Seriously. She knows what he's doing, her poor dd more than likely knows what he's doing. Who knows what else he's done that has gone unnoticed? They share a home.

Absolutely get rid, OP. Before the new baby comes along and you may have to leave dd alone with him again. Or before you're so knackered you stop noticing these red flags.

BathtimeFunkster · 06/10/2015 12:53

I agree with Anastasie about talking to her about when you were in hospital.

Do you have any sisters? Best friends? Does she have a close friend with a mother she trusts?

You might not be the adult she would choose to confide in if anything (more than you are already aware of) happened.

Whatever happens, you need to get him out of her home.

Anastasie · 06/10/2015 12:54

I understand what you are getting at Cain.

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