Row with 11yr old SD

[Neverenuff]

The other day SD came to me and dp with a problem about a school activity she wanted to do but because it interferred with one of her more important classes she was going to give it up. I thought this was really mature of her to make such a decision and so dp and I advised that maybe she should speak to a teacher and see if they an arrange something else.

Then today when I picked her up (and her brother) I asked if she had spoken to teacher she said no she didn't want to do it anymore.

So I left it asked how school we and basically got ignored by both oth them and could tell they were in some sort of mood.

When I got home I told dp about the atmosphere and about what SD had said. This was in private.

When dp asked his DD what happened she said she hated the subject anyway and didn't want to do it anymore and why was I talking about her behind her back. She stropped off then said some quite hurtful things to dp about me. and that if I have anything to say at all then to say it in front of her. When dp came back and everyone was back in the room I walked in (fuming) and said to dp that I will speak to him in private when I like about who or what I like and no child is going to dictate to me what happens in this house and if I choose to have a private conversation with dp then I will.

DP agreed with me which was good.

I feel like maybe I was harsh but it's how I feel. SD tries to dictate what goes on all the time. I think they get too much adult information frrom both homes (despite me telling dp to not get the kids too involved in household decisions) and she thinks that she has control over how everyone acts.

But I'm more annoyed at the original situation. Her attitude went from wanting to do the activity to saying it had been a waste of time and she didn't like it. I'm sad for her because I feel like she has been given conflicting advice and she's just confused.

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

Her attitude went from wanting to do the activity to saying it had been a waste of time and she didn't like it

Welcome to the wonderful world of hormonal pre-teens! This is, oh, so familiar - my DD flipped from insisting she loves something to be adamant she hated it within the same conversation.

Try not to fret too much about her fickle attitude - more significant is, as you say, the way her parents have involved her in adult decisions and placed too much responsilbity on her too soon.
The fact that your DH backed you is a good sign - perhaps the two of you could read or watch some parenting-teens self help resources? As your DSD gets older, it's going to be even more important that you and her Dad present a united front.

[Neverenuff]

I was so glad when dp agreed with me. I have been feeling recently that he was unsupportive but he seems to have realised this.

[Yellowpansies]

She sounds very like my 12 year old - she's become increasinly unpredictable over the last year or two - flying of the handle about something one minute, then forgetting about it the next and being matural and sensible, then bursting into tears over something quite trivial.... I assume it's hormones, and being a nearly-teenager. Peer groups are increasingly important, so she may genuinely have wanted to do the new activity, and then later doesn't want to do it, depending on what her friends are doing.

So DSD was upset because you'd relayed your conversation with her to your DP. But that's entirely the right thing to do to parent effectively. She'll have to accept that generally speaking you do talk about her and share things. That's what couples do, and ultimately you were trying to help him know the situation so that he could talk to her about it.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Yes, that your DP agreed with you means everything. You both are parental figures and your DSD was kicking against that - they'll tell stuff to the one they think will be easiest with them!

My resident DSC went mad when DP told me about a difficulty she had at school (and at home) - which everyone knew, her sisters, her mum, her mates, the teachers - and I needed to know too for several reasons. Teenagers are pretty volatile! They can insist on only one parent or step parent knowing important things - it's just something that they have to suck up as while we are helping them to grow up they can't be asking anyone to keep 'secrets'. Entirely normal!