starting to struggle

[sm2bnorwich]

Hi all, I'm new to all this but thought there might be someone who can reassure me or provide advice as I feel I have nobody I can talk to and nobody understands.
My OH has 3 kids with his ex and we have been together for 4 1/2 years. Generally the kids are fine and have come to accept me. They don't live with us but they stay 2 nights/ days a week and have their own room and an abundance of toys/clothes here. We have scrimped and saved and finally managed to get on the property ladder but now with a mortgage to pay were finding it harder to make ends meet and go on constant days out. Now OH gives his ex £50 a week for child maintenance (An agreement not statutory) and she also gets paid child tax credits and child disability allowance as 2 of them have T1 diabetes. She's forever having her hair done / nails done, goes out every other night, and very recently bought a new car (not cheap) now I know it's none of my business what she does but I can't help but feel this isn't fair as we provide for those kids when they're with us and buy them new shoes toys and clothes when she lets them run around in embarrassingly worn out shoes until we end up buying new ones. I'm also struggling to find enough cash to replace my old banger for something I can cart the kids round in when needed. Are we not eligable for any of the credits she gets or reduced payments every week. I'm finding it really hard to accept as she takes everything for granted and knows she doesn't have to work and asks more and more of us all the time and through the summer we have ended up having the kids here more often than not so she can go out with her new bf even though we both work full time and me on shift. It's very hard to spend any time with my OH as a couple as every time I'm not at work the kids are here. Please help I'm very tearful and need a shoulder as nobody else understands :(

[Wdigin2this]

Oh I feel for you sm2b, I never really had that S/kids visiting and maintenance thing, as all of our DC were grown when we met...but it all sounds very wearing! I don't know what appropriate payments would be for 3 children, but I'm sure someone else on this site will. But it would seem something is wrong if you two are both working, yet struggling to make ends meet let alone afford luxury's, when the children's mother doesn't work and seems to be comfortably off. If you're having them 2 days of the week, and providing all home comforts, I'm assuming that would be taken into account should the CSA assess correct levels of maintenance! Anyway, I'm sure someone who has more knowledge of these matters, will come along to advise you soon, but in the meantime....

[NickiFury]

You have them two nights a week and you're whinging about paying £50? How much do you think you should be paying for THREE children?

I can't believe this thread is serious tbh.

I suggest you get yourselves to CMS and get it done legally, there's on line calculators you can use. Then you'll know for certain that you're not paying one extra penny to the children's mother than you need to be and hopefully you'll rest easier.

[LineyReborn]

I think that the CSA / CMS guidance is that the non resident parent would pay 25% of their net salary for 3 children, although this would reduce if the DCs stay at the NRP's home over a certain number of nights a year. The government website has a calculator.

The resident parent's income is regarded as irrelevant.

[lunar1]

How much do you think it would be fair for him to pay for his 3 children?

[Wdigin2this]

Well there you go sm2b...I obviously had no idea what was appropriate, although I think I did misread, thinking you meant £50 per week for EACH child!

[StanSmithsChin]

How come you know so much about what the ex spends HER money on?
It isn't any of your business frankly so you should keep your nose out. Would you like it if she knew how you spent YOUR money?

As others have suggested use the CMS calculator and make the payments it suggests.
You are complaining now you are short of cash because you two decided to buy a house. Why should the children lose out because of your choice?
It costs hell of a lot more than £50 per week to bring up one child let alone 3.
Your DP should be the one buying a family car not you and if you don't want to babysit then don't.

[IFancyRichard]

£50 for 3 children is not a lot.

Her financial situation is not your business nor should it be dependant on your lifestyle I.e. The child maintenance is only to be paid when you feel your life is financially healthy enough

Woe betide any mother who should have a better lifestyle than the NRP?

Whilst I appreciate you're struggling and the cost of having children is impacting upon your life...that's because children do cost and do impact upon life. He can't just absolve himself of financial responsibility because he is not in that relationship anymore. I'm afraid you have to suck it up because you are in a relationship with a man who has children. Sorry but that is how it is.

[StanSmithsChin]

Not really cheeky. As long as the NRP is paying the right amount for their DC it isn't the exes business what kind of lifestyle they lead same as it isn't the NRP business what kind of lifestyle the RP leads as long as the DC have their needs met.

[LetTheChipsFall]

Jesus nick she's struggling, they are scrimping to give the kids all thay can. Sometimes things can feel unfair, that's all she's saying. Do you have to always be so harsh? I've never seen you post with any compassion and it seems as an non stop parent you seek out these threads purely to attack

[StanSmithsChin]

I don't think Nick attacked at all. However you seem to be Let

Yes the OP is struggling but to solve that she wants to cut the children's money...... erm no that isn't right or fair. Also her OP smacks of jealousy regarding the ex and she needs to let that go. They are struggling because they bought a house why should the DC or the ex get less to compensate that?

[LetTheChipsFall]

SM are not robots, we get it wrong, and she may well be jealous! I think people forget emotions are involved and just go straight for the jugular. I use to be jealous at the about of child free time my dsc mum gets. Giving me a good kick in about it won't help, but some constructive advice would help. (Not that I need it now, I look at what I have instead). And it's not hard to read the tone of a post to hear how it's meant

[IFancyRichard]

I agree with you Let. I can imagine I'd feel just as hard done by but fortunately that should be separated from the responsibility towards existing children.

The only think that I noted was the buying shoes and clothes because the mum doesn't. If that is true then I'd say maybe don't do that if finances are so tight. I doubt the shoes have holes in the bottom of them.

[SurlyCue]

Is this a joke?

Seems to be an increasing number of these threads by new posters in the last few days. I'm not biting.

[StanSmithsChin]

The OP has not had a good kicking stop being dramatic.

Yes SM get it wrong however reducing payments to SDC because they have bought a house and are jealous of the ex is not a mistake they should not be making. If they are struggling financially surely their first thought should be how can WE cut back not "let's reduce what we pay for the children"

[StanSmithsChin]

That's because the RP isn't wanting to cut the money they spend on DC cheeky. Or take benefits from the NRP to fund her lifestyle. The RP is entitled to those benefits because she has the DC the majority of the time. If their father is concerned for their welfare (holey shoes) then he needs to do more than just cut the children's money as well how will that help

[lunar1]

I think Stan and cheeky are right, several threads popping up. All with SM's wanting and hinting that maintenance should be cut to benefit themselves in some way. All with feckless mothers who just look after themselves. Several threads have everything needed to cause big arguments.

[StanSmithsChin]

Yes cheeky because bringing up DC is bloody hard and a large majority of NRP pay only the minimum required which is never enough to raise DC yet they can have luxury lifestyles while the RP is usually the one struggling.

I agree with you about stopping the days out to save money. Many things can be done cheaply or for free.

lunar I think there was a similar thread in AIBU over the weekend. So yes I have also noticed a few of these posts.

[lunar1]

I got that cheeky, I was just wondering about the authenticity of all these recent threads. Seems a bit like someone wanting to provoke an argument.

[horsewalksintoabar]

I think £200 a month for 3 kids is reasonable BUT it's a big outgoing and it is not unreasonable to offer £30 a month per child, depending on DH's income NOT yours. It is NOT on you to financially support his kids, you got that? Don't be a mug.

My ex gives NOTHING, zip towards our 13 year old son. My DH has fully supported him- his stepson- since he was 7 and we have 3 kids in total. You don't have other kids to support and I reckon that the day you do, your DH may take a different stance... or not. I know it's hard OP and I do feel for you. I am in a different place but I do resent getting no support from my ex as our son is now a teenager and his needs are so much more expensive. I resent that he travels the world, spending loads of time in Thailand and Goa and can't even show an interest in his son's schooling- if he can ever remember where he goes. It sucks for my son, especially as he gets older. Deadbeat parents suck. But it is what it is.

There really is not much to be done. Your DH is doing right by his 3 kids. That's awesome and kudos to him. But there is nothing wrong with looking at your outgoings and earnings... if £200 a month is impacting your quality of life and say, you can't put petrol in your car for example or eat as well as you'd like, or pay your bills on time, then it is perfectly reasonable to cut back a bit. You can still financially support them within your means. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have to budget so sit down and do that.

Here's what you need to do to off-set your stress (and rightfully so... it's a tough schtick being a step-parent).

Get a contact order, seriously.
If you find that the time you are spending with the kids is too much and you are especially struggling during summer hols, having to take time off work to look after DH's kids, then you need to get a court order stipulating when they are with mum and when they are with dad- the non resident parent. But of course, sit down and talk to DH about this. You should not be missing work to look after kids who have a full-time stay at home mother.

I don't shoulder DH with my son's stuff. He has effectively raised him full-time from the age of 7 but I am mindful that he is a step-dad. I never expected him to take any time off or alter his schedule to accommodate my needs with my son. I would ask my EX to help out if I had to work. So make sure DH is not asking too much of you... is he off-loading parental responsibility on you that really the mum should be dealing with?

You don't have to be the good wife here and prove your worth by being 'the perfect mum' to his kids. Your role is to love- or just 'like'- his kids, be good to them, supportive of them, be there for them but understand that parental responsibility is on mum and dad, not you. You're not a doormat, baby sitter, or a the first port o' call if mum and dad are unable to accommodate their kids' needs. Be helpful yes, but if it's too much, say so.

You may think I am being tough, but I've lived it and learned it. I've had the hard talks with DH and I have angrily swallowed the fact that he doesn't love his stepson the way I do. He loves him... just not in that ideal way I would wish for him to. And why should I expect him to? He is good to him, treats him as an equal amongst his siblings, calls him our son, supports him fully, and does all the right things BUT DH really struggles with his role as stepdad. Why shouldn't he? I struggle being the bio parent, so as a stepmum, OP, you are entitled to sometimes really dislike the situation you're in.

Draw some lines in the sand. Budget and realistically look at DH's earnings and outgoings. Look at the areas where you feel you can realistically give as a stepmother and evaluate the areas where you are beginning to feel major resentment. Make the changes. You have to make sure this is working for you. You've taken on a big thing by marrying a guy with 3 kids. It will always have its headaches, for sure but it doesn't have to be a dark cloud over your marriage and shouldn't become this.

[SurlyCue]

OP wont be back. This is a case of "light the blue touch paper..."