My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice.

Step-parenting

Can anyone help me with the relationship dynamic between a 10 year old and a 3 year old?

12 replies

Tory79 · 23/08/2015 19:25

Wasn't sure whether to just put this in parenting but opted for here in the end!

So, my dsd is 10, we have her every 3rd weekend due to distance, so nothing in between, although we do FaceTime etc

I have 2 problems at the moment.

The first is definitely because of the time between visits. My eldest ds who is coming up to 4 worships the ground his big sister walks on. As a result he just falls apart when she's here. He's so hyper and overexcited that he just screams and cries and hits and generally can't hold himself together. I feel so sad for him (and for dsd who must find it quite hard work!) I just can't seem to find a way to help him with this though, it happens every time.

The 2nd is dsd! She's a really lovely girl who adores her brother and is so good with him, but she's getting bossier and bossier with him and often says things to him that really aren't her place to be saying eg if he's got cross about something ,before I even have a chance to respond she might start telling him that if he just does x then he can have a treat. Or she's telling him off for things that he doesn't need telling off for, or if I tell him off she'll start telling him off too and go on and on about it. I've asked dh to have a word with her a couple of times and he has, but if anything it's getting worse, especially as she's recently got a bit of the 'teenager' about her! One of the problems in stepfamilies is it can be hard to tell what is just normal family dynamics and what is there because of the situation, I have no idea if this is just how it is when there is a large gap between siblings. So I don't know if I should just be letting it go or if it does need to be dealt with. I will sometimes say something to her, but I prefer dh to do it as I think ultimately it's up to him - the problem is he is pretty oblivious to this kind of thing!

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Report
mummyneedinganswers · 23/08/2015 21:05

There's a 7 and 5 year gap between me and my two sisters and they are forever trying to tell me off imams I'm now an shadily. I think it's the normal thing that happens in siblings x

Report
mummyneedinganswers · 23/08/2015 21:05

And I am now an adult*

Report
amarmai · 24/08/2015 13:37

maybe have a playdate arranged for him when she is there?

Report
wankerchief · 24/08/2015 13:44

Sounds normal. Siblings bicker no matter the age gap. I've got a sister 18 months between us and a stepmother who's 5 years younger than me. We ticketed over everything.,
My boys are 12 and 4 and get on very well but that docents mean there isn't rowing or sniping

As long as it's no violent or bullyish I let them resolve it themselves.never take sides, you can never win that wayGrin
I would make sure the eldest gets time alone or at least time doing stuff that's their choice. It's easy to pull in favour of the little one because the eldest should understand but they don't so I try to keep it fair.

Report
wankerchief · 24/08/2015 13:45

Bickered*
Doesnt*

Report
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/08/2015 13:49

Older child bossing younger one, telling him off etc = normal, IME.
I did it with my siblings who were around 4y younger than me, and my DS1 does it to Ds2 who is 5y younger than him.
I do try and tell DS1 that he's not Ds2's parent, and it's not his place to tell him off, and to please try not to shout at him - but it still happens.

Re. your own Ds's over-excitement when his sister is around, well I don't know how you manage that - it's kind of lovely that he's so happy to see her, but he needs to learn how to manage that excitement better.

Report
BrandNewAndImproved · 25/08/2015 16:06

My dd who's almost ten does the exact same thing with ds who's 8. Normal but irritating. I ask her ifs she's turned into his mum on a regular basis, can you say that in a jokey way to let her know shes not in charge?

Oh and she also tells her little sister off at her dad's house who's 5, but then his parenting is slightly weird where she would get into trouble if her dad was out the room and her sister was being naughty and she didn't stop her or tell her dad what she was doing.

Report
mayaknew · 25/08/2015 16:32

Sounds like normal sibling relationship . My dd is 10 and ds nearly 3 and their relationship sounds exactly the same ! And ds is only apart from dd when she's at school never mind for weeks !! ShockGrinGrin

She also is very hard on ds and will reprimand him etc . I just tell her if I think he needs telling off ill do it she shouldn't she's not his parent . Or if they're being particularly annoying "dd get off his back he's only 3!!!" Is known to burst out my mouth BlushGrinGrin

Report
Tory79 · 25/08/2015 16:37

Thanks, I guess it's fairly obvious it's a normal relationship really, I just find it hard to know what to do about it as she's my stepdaughter! She's with us for a week at the moment and oh my god she's bossing him a round so much and on his back about everything! Do this, don't do that.... And always starts before I even have a chance to get a word in edge ways! Aargh!

OP posts:
Report
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2015 02:14

How does your DS respond to her bossing? If he's happy, then I wouldn't fret too much about it, unless she's trying to get him to do things that he shouldn't be doing. Call her "little mum" and see how she responds to that - she might back off, but she might be proud of the title - but if you think she's being too bossy then maybe suggest she could be less of a bossyboots!

Report
SavoyCabbage · 26/08/2015 02:25

I agree the bossiness sounds normal. Maybe you could ask her to do certain jobs that could channel the bossiness. Making sure he brushes his teeth for example.

I think it's a great idea to sometimes have a play date when she comes round. It will give your ds another focus and give your dsd a chance to be the focus of the adults.

Report
aprilshowers76 · 28/08/2015 16:19

Maybe get him out of the house more when she's there? If the bossiness is just an older sibling being a good example that's fine - but the mini mum thing really annoyed the hell out of me. My DD and DSD had the same age gap and it got worse as they got older as DSD had a different idea of what parenting was so would be unnecessarily harsh on DD.

Can you and DH tell dsd that you would both rather she didn't reprimand your ds and that if he misbehaves she is to come to you. I wonder if her being fun sister one minute, and authoritarian the next is setting him on edge and contributing to his mood... My DD used to get herself in a right pickle trying to "please" her step sister. She is no contact now and most of the negative behaviours have stopped. Not that I'm suggesting it's a good thing!!

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.