I need to calm down.

(37 Posts)
3CheekyLittleMonkeys Sun 16-Aug-15 11:52:34

Tonight dsd is coming to stay for a week. DP started a new job this week so he won't be home. Obviously finding work is a HUGE positive, but my anxiety is through the roof at the moment due to still having money worries amongst many other things, and I am just not looking forward to her being here this week. sad

CocaKoala Sun 16-Aug-15 15:03:34

Take a deep breath. If you can't handle having DSD alone because of your anxiety issues then I'd speak to DP about it otherwise the week will make it miserable for everyone. Where as I know it's always good to help - especially if DP is starting work - if you can't do it then you can't. Ultimately she is the responsibility of DP and his ex. What would happen if you weren't in the picture and both her parents were working?

Can your DP's parents have her for a couple of hours throughout the week to help?

Have you been asked to be in sole charge of DSD all week because your partner is working or has it been assumed?

Are there any local activities she could go to locally? Around by us there's specific days for certain age groups through the holidays in the local community centre and it's only the price of a sub fee about £2.50 I think. Although, of course if money is that tight it's understandable that you may not be able to spare that if there is something locally.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Sun 16-Aug-15 18:24:28

Hi cocakoala
DP starting work came without much notice, so I guess I have a duty to "stand in" for him this week.
His ex rang the other day concerned about what would happen for the rest of the holidays now that DP is working as he has been having dsd on her mum's days while she has been working and then she's picked her up when she finishes work (her mum has just been off for a week so dsd has been there, so she's now spending a whole week here). After next week I don't know what I will be expected to do on her mum's days to have her.
I've not really looked at local activities. I will have a look to see if there are any free ones going on as I have no spare cash for anything what you have to pay for.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 16-Aug-15 18:29:02

How old is she?

MythicalKings Sun 16-Aug-15 18:31:19

Tell her mother you will help this week because it's short notice but you will not be available for the rest of the holiday. Not your circus, not your monkeys, seems to fit here perfectly.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Sun 16-Aug-15 18:34:06

Sally she is 9.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 16-Aug-15 18:41:41

Try the libary, parks, museum, give her a couple of hours out, rest she can use the wifi, play in the garden etc ... Any friends with kids? New play mate? ... After this week it's up to you if you have her or not, depends in your days. I think you have down the right thing this week, but will be up to her parents. Tell DP he is not to agree to anything without your consent if your doing the work.

stargazer2030 Sun 16-Aug-15 18:41:59

Why not viee it as a chance to do some bonding? 9 is a lovely age. Plenty of free stuff to do, parks, we walk the dog's miles, look at kids sm on view Cinema. Look on it as a positive - dh has found a job n you get a nice week with dsd.
I am guessing her Mum has had this arranged with dh for so probably can't change her plans. When you choose5a partner with children they are always part of your life.

FortyCoats Sun 16-Aug-15 19:07:45

I don't know the background but wouldn't you like some time with her if you're planning a life with dp?

StanSmithsChin Sun 16-Aug-15 19:44:18

Cheeky you dread your DSD coming even when your DP is at home. I assume you still haven't left then. What a terrible time that poor girl will have being with somebody that wishes she didn't exist.

I suppose now DP is working you will be able to afford the school uniform for DSD as well as your DS? You will no longer need to just buy her supermarket stuff while your son gets the more expensive uniform.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Sun 16-Aug-15 19:57:07

No need for that Stan. No I don't wish she doesn't exist. When have I ever said that? I'm not that low.

You know my background and how hard it has been. I don't just dread her coming just because I can't stand her and wish she would fall off the face of the planet. Your snippy little post is just unnecessary.

As for school uniforms, how is that relevant to this thread? Bad form bringing up a thread about a thread isn't it?

<sigh>

dingdongditch Sun 16-Aug-15 20:13:09

I'd plan it out. Give yourself an agenda so you both have expectations set. Even if she watches a movie a day it will give you a break to look forward to. Give her a bowl of popcorn and make her feel like it's a special thing to do for the summer holidays. Kids aren't daft and she will pick up on your anxiety and her behaviour will go downhill. So maybe an activity in the morning then movie in the afternoon followed by reading/crafting/whatever while you cook dinner then presumably dad is home?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Sun 16-Aug-15 20:17:58

Good idea dingdong. There's plenty to do. I like the movie idea smile

StanSmithsChin Sun 16-Aug-15 20:21:05

Maybe it is bad form but you never have anything nice to say about the poor girl. She didn't ask to be in your life yet all you seem to do is moan about her. i just don't think you are very fair to her at all you always seem to want her to be a second class citizen whether that be not proving her with a space when she stays to buying her a cheaper uniform than your own DS.

How would you feel if your precious sons had a SM who moaned about them constantly, dreaded spending time with them and treated them differently to her own child? I would imagine you would hate it and feel desperate for your boys. Well try giving some thought to this poor girl you are always so down on.

wheresthelight Sun 16-Aug-15 20:24:48

Most of Stan's post is out of order. However the point about dreading her arrival even when your dp is around is true.

You need to stop seeing her presence as such a negative. Why set your self up with such a crappy attitude even before she arrives?

There is plenty of free stuff about that you do am do with all the kids

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Sun 16-Aug-15 20:27:22

I never have anything nice to say? Riiight, I take it you have heard every single conversation I have had about her?
You only know a snippet about me stan, so just do me a favour and get lost if you're just going to stick the boot in.

I really want to make an effort with her this week despite the way I felt earlier today. Things are top of me but I want to make sure she is happy here. You coming on here trying to cause an argument is a set back for me!

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Sun 16-Aug-15 20:30:47

I know wheres I have realised that.

FortyCoats Sun 16-Aug-15 20:32:00

What's making you anxious?

Are you nervous to be caring for her in case anything happens?

How many ds do you have? Does she play well with them?

StanSmithsChin Sun 16-Aug-15 20:33:08

Oh get over yourself...set you back hmm you choose how you act cheeky so stop using my post as an excuse for your poor behaviour regarding DSD.

I am not trying to cause an argument merely pointing out that you don't like this child and you dread her presences in you life full stop.

Have you tried stopping the negativity? It may help as you are down on her before she even arrives.

Georgethesecond Sun 16-Aug-15 20:35:51

You gave three other children to look after don't you?
So you're doing child are all week anyway?
I don't see what difference thus poor wee girl makes to your week.

penguinsaresmall Sun 16-Aug-15 20:41:13

I don't know the back story but how old is your (own) dc op?

I would just try to see this week as a positive chance for you, your Dc and your dsd to bond a bit so you don't have to feel so stressed out whenever she visits. As others have said, there's loads you can do; build a den in the garden (or behind the sofa), go for a walk to the park and have an ice cream; have a movie day where the dc pick a film and you provide popcorn...

I know anxiety can be horrible and really hard to keep in check, but could you try to see her visit as a welcome distraction from your anxieties?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Sun 16-Aug-15 20:47:09

Forty I'm anxious about quite a lot at the moment. Money is very tight for one. Even food/gas/electricity is luxury at the moment and I have had to lend a little bit of money from my dad. We have to be a bit sparing this week and I don't think she'll have been used to it at her mum's. It's not her fault I know that, but I just feel really shitty about it. No treats, bland meals.
She's generally very good with the boys and loves them to bits and vice versa. Just the usual sibling squabbles and fall outs. Both as bad as each other at times!

passmethewineplease Sun 16-Aug-15 20:51:30

Don't feel shit. There's plenty of free things to do. Where about a are you? Are there any parks close by? Arts/crafts? Board games? Outside games? And for when it's raining I love having a film day. Doesn't cost anything.b

wheresthelight Sun 16-Aug-15 20:51:41

It's good that you are starting to recognise it cheeky! Like it or not kids do pick up on how we as adults behave and act towards them. They are more sensitive to our moods than we give them credit for. Chances are a lot of her behaviour is because she has picked up on your negativity even though I am sure you don't mean her to. As hard as it is you need to fake it til you make it! My dss can be a little shit when has it on him so can my own dd before anyone flames me and I used to find it really hard to let it go and start over the next day. He was utterly vile and would be worse the next day. It took some very blunt responses on here for me to realise that my temper was fraught waiting for him to misbehave and I would snap a lot faster days into their visit than at the start. Once I focussed on changing my attitude to it all things got a whole lot better. It's by no means perfect and he can still be a little shit at times and I could happily wring his neck when he back chats and talks to me like crap. But rather than bristle and get cross I try and fail sometimes to ignore it and not rise to it. It's hard as hell but it is necessary.

Try this week to not let the negativity towards dsd, dp and his ex cloud your behaviour towards her. If the weather is good take sandwiches to the local park and stay there all day if you need to! See what kids stuff is on at your library or sure start centres. But approach it lol with a smile and see her behaviour change!

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Sun 16-Aug-15 20:53:49

Stan Shitty posts like yours do set me back more than you know or even want to acknowledge.

penguins Thankyou. That's a lot of great advice there. smile My DC are 4, 2 and 6mths- a handful!

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