Partner's ex-stepson caused criminal damage - what to do?(11 Posts)
First some background: my partner owns a house with his ex, which they are planning to sell. She has moved out and in with her new bf, but left her 22yo son in the house. Said son has just finished college, has no job and spends all day smoking dope and letting his gf wait on him. He is on drugs for depression and is agoraphobic.
House is a complete tip. My partner spends very little time there because 22yo shows hims no respect and tries to get him angry. My partner is very calm, but is clearly at the end of his tether, having been step-dad to this boy and his equally violent brother (18yo, left home) for the last 15 years.
Boys' absent father was abusive to their mother and them. Left when they were 3 and 1. Boys have father issues which they project on my partner, despite him trying his very best to be there for them.
What happened: this weekend, my partner got a call from his ex to tell him that 22yo has smashed up my partner's room. My partner's first question was is the boy OK? And that things are not important. When he went to the house he discovers that everything in his room is completely trashed, beyond repair. Computer, guitar and amp smashed. All his clothes covered in paint. Furniture so damaged his ex has already removed and taken to dump. Walls daubed with abuse. Partner salvages what little he can and comes to mine.
What the hell to do? His ex has no money and cannot rehouse 22yo until she gets money from house sale. I don't think safe to leave him in house on own. Who knows what he will do next. And how to sell house with unhinged young adult in it?
Report to the police, write and evict them, change the locks.
Or your dp can just 'gift' her his half of the house - then he can stop wasting emotional energy on it. But I know that may not be affordable.
don't sell it then?
I am quite sure these things do not happen in a vacuum - and you have no idea what went on when he was being stepfather to these boys, whatever he tells you.
So to sum up, your partner wants to sell his stepson's family house to realise his share of the money?
Police. Time SS learned a few of life's lessons. And change the locks.
Does your DP see this young man as his son? You say "ex-stepson", but fifteen years fathering someone from the age of seven has to leave a relationship, however toxic it is now.
What would you do if this young man was yours, and had behaved like this, and had this mix of mental health problems and drug use? Start with that and go from there.
I think SunnyBaudelaire is being rather unfair. It's clear that both the stepson's mother and the op's partner have moved on and both, therefore, want to sell the house - the stepson's mother has found love and moved in with her boyfriend just as the op's partner has moved on and now lives with the op. The stepson's mother will use her share of the proceeds of the house to rehouse the stepson. If they're serious about selling the house then either the stepson's mother or the op's partner will have to move back into the property before it's such a wreck that no one will want to buy it.
Sorry haven't read all your post OP, I just got to the bit about his mother 'leaving him in the house'!! How could she? That is totally irresponsible of her. That is something that she should have asked/discussed at the very least. What if it affects the sale? Unnecessary strife at what is probably a difficult time already.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Some further development - my partner and his ex met yesterday at the house. Had long conversation and agreed that 22yo will move out within next two weeks. Either my partner will extend mortgage and get cash to rehouse him (think will take too long), or his ex will get a credit card. She accepts that he cannot live in the house anymore.
Both boys have serious issues stemming from their early childhood with a violent, psychopathic father. They both now have anger management issues and the 22yo has mental health problems. Both project their issues with their father on to my ex, as he's been the only father figure they've had for most of their lives.
Anyway, things are now moving on and getting sorted. Despite everything, my partner still cares very much for all of them. It's awful that their lives have been so affected by what happened to them in their formative years. I hope that they do seek help and make something of themselves.
And for the record, my partner couldn't give a stuff about the money tied up in the house. He just wants to clear their joint debts and move on. Right now, he's paying for 90% of everything, has no spare cash and can't even live in the house for fear of what the 22yo might do. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to change that
Your partner actually sounds like a great guy hope it works out for him.
I think certain people (up post) forget thAt there are good decent men out there, who quite often get walked over! How anyone could possibly suggest your partner is wrong here is beyond me!
Thanks JakieOH. He is a great guy
They're putting house on market now, have moved credit card debt to 0% card and 22yo has moved out! What a difference a couple of weeks makes, thank god.
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