WDYD when you want to quit?

(13 Posts)
Bellemere Wed 01-Jul-15 17:03:07

I don't want to quit, not really, but I am so tired. Two and a half years of court hearings and today we've had another that puts the mother's needs first and puts the children in the middle of all the conflict.

If my DH pulls out of the court process, his ex will stop him from seeing his children completely. If he stays in it, the children are at risk of being manipulated further. We have three CAFCASS reports that show that mother's manipulation is damaging the children, tens of false allegations against DH none of which she has evidence for, she has even used me and my children as a reason to ask for contact to stop.

I'm done in. I want a holiday. I want to keep the money we spend on barristers and go on holiday. Fighting for these children is doing nothing but creating more and more conflict but doing nothing would mean losing them and letting them down.

I know there's no magic wand. I've read everything, we've tried everything. How do you cope when it all gets so hopeless?

fedupbutfine Wed 01-Jul-15 17:24:42

do you mean quit fighting for the children or quit your relationship? or both?

It sounds hellish. Poor children. I often wonder if the kinder thing to do where there is such conflict is to give up but you're right, not fighting would be letting them down in a huge way. What was the actual outcome today?

Bellemere Wed 01-Jul-15 17:45:23

Both, but neither really. In all other respects, we are happy. I feel so lucky to have such a good relationship with my DSC.

The judge ordered a situation where the children will have to be in the same room as their mother and father at the same time (think childrens event that mother insisted on attending, despite it being DHs contact time) . The last time we tried this, both children were absolutely hysterical. The manipulation of them is worse now than it was then. The only thing I can think is that the judge is trying to force the mother to promote contact by setting up this situation but it's just going to be a disaster.

I started seeing a counsellor and she thinks it's better that they have this conflict than for DH to walk away and grow up only knowing their mothers manipulation and not having the healthy relationships they have with us but it's just so hard.

Thank you for replying. I'll probably have a glass of wine, dust myself down and start again tomorrow.

Maybe83 Wed 01-Jul-15 17:52:41

Did your dh say she couldn't attend as it was in his contact time and she took you to court to gain access?

PeruvianFoodLover Wed 01-Jul-15 18:48:30

I often wonder if the kinder thing to do where there is such conflict is to give up but you're right, not fighting would be letting them down in a huge way.

There have been some high profile cases in which judges/family court have conceded to the implacably hostile parent and ordered no direct contact between the DC and the NR parent.

It is a totally no-win situation for the courts to rule on as the only alternative is to reverse residency - as was done in the Rebecca Minnock case - and that causes other issues.

Better to minimise the conflict the DC is exposed to - even if that is at the expense of a relationship with one parent, IMO.

I think if a RP is emotionally harming the DCs in relation to contact with their NR parent, then the NR parent should step back and reduce/limit contact (if any) to a level that the RP is comfortable with. That may vary from month to month or even week to week - but at least the DC won't be harmed by their RP in the process. I don't say that lightly - I've seen first hand the damage that can do to the NRP, but year upon year of court action takes its toll, too.

I know in some cases, the former RP retains such a strong hold over the DC into adulthood that they never re establish contact with the nRP, but in many cases, once the DC becomes an adult and has DCs of their own, they rebuild that relationship.

Bellemere Wed 01-Jul-15 19:46:45

No, maybe, it's far more complicated than that. This was just one part of the hearing. There's more but it's a private hearing so I'm frustratingly not allowed to explain.

Peruvian - that's the point I got to a few weeks ago. That time she breached the order and that's when I started seeing a counsellor who suggested that staying in their lives as a healthy role model is, at this point, better than the opposite. The problem is that his ex doesn't want him to have any contact at all. And even if he decided not to see them, CAFCASS think the emotional abuse would continue and he wouldn't be there to protect them for the small amount of time that he does get with them.

Treemuskears Wed 01-Jul-15 19:52:56

If the RP is emotionally abusing their children, the NRP shouldn't have their contact limited.

Residency should be switched.

Could the dad go for residency?

Bellemere Wed 01-Jul-15 19:59:05

It's on the cards but in the future. At the moment the court are trying to get mother to promote contact. Sadly all that's happening is the children are bearing the brunt of her doing the opposite. And we don't really want to drag the children through the trauma of change of residency. Why do people do this to their children? It's heartbreaking.

fedupbutfine Wed 01-Jul-15 20:30:38

The last time we tried this, both children were absolutely hysterical

you talk 'we' a lot - I get 'we' in inevitable but are you attending these events? would it help you if you didn't? and perhaps more importantly, would it bring mum down a notch (and therefore help the children)? Can you be seen to 'back off' at all or has it made no difference if you've tried this?

Bellemere Wed 01-Jul-15 20:50:12

No, I don't attend. I have always been completely in the background. My own children have a very "in your face" stepmother so I am mindful of this.

fedupbutfine Wed 01-Jul-15 21:44:30

she's bonkers then. I'm sorry. Sounds so hard for all of you. I hope you are able to find a resolution.

FluffyBumOnTheRun Thu 02-Jul-15 07:48:52

This is so sad to read OP, I'm sorry you're all going through this. I can't ever understand this kind of mother.

Melonfool Thu 02-Jul-15 10:45:53

"I started seeing a counsellor who suggested that staying in their lives as a healthy role model is, at this point, better than the opposite. "

That may well be true - but surely the counsellor is yours, for your well being, and should be considering your mental health before that of the children. Someone has to be on your side, listen to your story, understand how it affects you (I know DH will understand/listen etc but his priority is, quite rightly, his kids, and he is presumably emotionally drained too).

I assume this was just one aspect of the things the counsellor discussed?

It is all so heartbreaking and I don't think the courts have a lot of tools at their disposal to make things work.

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