It's pointless isn't it?

(20 Posts)
FeelTheNoise Sun 28-Jun-15 12:29:29

The ongoing rejection and contempt.
The complete disregard for me.
The refusal to acknowledge that I have ever done anything of worth.
The snidey comments.
The power struggles.
The incessant competition to be in charge alongside DP.
Always being on edge.
Being accused by extended family (not mine) of being awful.
The mistrust of extended family (not mine).
The open lies about me.
The complete contempt for my privacy (bedroom only).
The sneers.

It's bollocks

K888 Sun 28-Jun-15 16:32:54

Yes, how I feel! And honestly a few years ago I would never have believed it could get to this. MY DP is a lovely guy. My four SDs are not awful - I kinda like them. But I am absolutely done with it all - years of being ignored and disregarded and my DP has no backbone at all with them.

I also totally get the 'incessant competition to be in charge alongside DP' - with teenager step daughters they have ALL done this - to the point of trying to parent my DS and my son with my partner - something neither of them understood was unhealthy. I kept saying to my SD 'I do not want or need another parent' and she used to get really ANGRY at me - I mean - get your own partner and child!!!

FeelTheNoise Sun 28-Jun-15 16:38:45

Yes K888! I'm heavily pregnant and DSD has been trying to push me out of the way for a while now. She's tried telling me what to do, demanding an adult role in baby's life. No fucking way sunshine angry I'm running right out of patience, and shouldn't have to defend my right to parent my own baby to a fucking child confused so fed up x

K888 Sun 28-Jun-15 16:47:27

FeelTheNoise I totally feel for you!!

In fact I have run out of patience and kicked DP out. And guess who he is with today with our 2 year old - the DSD who most wanted to be 'the parent' - she NEVER bothered to go out of the house before this - couldn't be arsed to even wash her own clothes or get off the XBox - but as soon as I am out of the picture and DP is on 'own' with kid - suddenly she is all over him wanting to play mummy.

Yuk!!!

FluffyBumOnTheRun Sun 28-Jun-15 21:03:01

I think it's quite normal for a big sister to want to mother a younger sibling. My own dsd wanted to do this when I had my ds, it's just about setting boundaries.

FeelTheNoise Sun 28-Jun-15 21:19:15

She wants me out of the way though hmm

K888 Sun 28-Jun-15 21:24:42

I know older siblings may feel like this.

But my SD like FeelTheNoise by the sound of it - made it competitive.

If I tried to put in boundaries that is when my SD became really angry - basically telling me I couldn't tell her what to do. She would question and contradict my parenting. And as soon as I left the house she would take charge - until even my very permissive OH asked her to tone it down. She got in a mood with me and made things quite strained.

I hope you can talk with your OH FeelTheNoise and your SD and just say that of course you'll include her - but the parenting is our job, not theirs.

MoseShrute Sun 28-Jun-15 21:35:15

I am not a step parent so have no first hand experience of how challenging it must be.

However when I read these threads my first thought is never " oh what terrible kids" but rather " what a fucking useless dh/dp. Why isn't he managing his dcs behaviour/distress better"

I am always shocked at how unsupported SMs are by their partners

FeelTheNoise Sun 28-Jun-15 21:38:50

Believe me, we have come a long way! DP is in complete agreement that we are baby's parents, nobody else, but his mum is very pushy, and she puts DSDs wants before anyone else's needs. Too many people in my life

FeelTheNoise Sun 28-Jun-15 21:40:12

And yes K888, everything I do is criticised, sneered at and challenged

FluffyBumOnTheRun Sun 28-Jun-15 21:50:05

It sounds like you're going through a tough time FeelThe, I've been a sm for over six years now, and I've gone through some tough times too. I had to majorly pull DH up with his lack of parenting. I can only change my situation, what he's family think or feel towards me I can't change so I ignore....as hurtful as that is sometimes, seeing my dsc getting much more from my DH family.

How old is your sd?

Reginafalangie Sun 28-Jun-15 23:46:46

Your DP maybe in agreement but what is he doing about it?

FeelTheNoise Tue 30-Jun-15 18:20:38

Almost 13, which I know is a really difficult age.
DP does try but his mum really pushes for everything to go DSDs way, and he honestly feels like he can't win. And yes, his family need to back off!

Quesera21 Tue 30-Jun-15 19:53:38

Am sitting here reading this with my sister who had a step daughter aged 12 when her DC came along - she says this is normal to want to look after the baby and be in charge. They are desperate to love the new child.

My 7yr old does it to my 3 yr old - heard " Mum and I are in charge and you do what I say" - sorry I just thought it was funny!

Her DC now wants to do it to mine, she is now 13!

Points 1-6 and 10, 11 - she says are normal pre teen / teenage girl behaviour regardless of step or natural.

K888 Tue 30-Jun-15 20:54:26

Yes Quesera, but I think that FeelTheNoise and me are experiencing a contempt and disregard - not a 'normal' motherly sister thing - basically an attempt to battle for role of mother which is quite disconcerting!

I have an older son who was 11 when my baby was born, of course he liked to do things for his brother but he was fine when I set out what was okay and what wasn't. But he got really upset as he said whenever I left them to play with the baby for 10 mins she would do the opposite of what I asked them to.

FeelTheNoise Tue 30-Jun-15 23:28:11

I know so much of this is normal, but DSD really does have extremely high expectations, particularly when it comes to control. The background I didn't add in the swathes of gloom in my OP is that she lives with us full time after extreme daily power struggles with her mum. Her mum is honestly diabolical, and it's clear how DSD got to this point, but it's bloody hard to cope with every day.

FeelTheNoise Tue 30-Jun-15 23:40:16

More back story: I have always had nasty comments and belittling from DSD. DP and his family are so used to these behaviours they don't bat an eyelid. DP is now fully on board with working to stop these, but we have the opposition of DSDs extended family, who will fight me tooth and nail for her right to "speak her mind ", even if she's being absolutely vile

FluffyBumOnTheRun Tue 30-Jun-15 23:52:14

Gosh! Feelthe, that must be so hard. Sorry that's not much help

AlpacaMyBags Wed 01-Jul-15 00:14:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeelTheNoise Wed 01-Jul-15 19:36:28

Actually it's a blessed relief whenever anyone acknowledges that this is far from easy!

Alpaca, please please tell me you still breastfed? This is likely to be a battleground, but I won't budge. The brazen attitudes us step mums face though, a list of demands shock I wouldn't bloody dream of telling a woman that my acceptance of her pregnancy and baby is very much conditional! Yet we are expected to take this in our own homes hmm

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