I am crying over a photo frame.

[CoolAs10Fonzies]

I am at home with two youngest dsc.

my dd is at her dads and dp is at hobby with eldest dsc.

This was all arranged and ok.

dsc arrived yesterday for two weeks. normally it's one week on one week off.

that's the background.

This morning, 30 mins after dp left I went for a very quick bath. came downstairs and saw that a photo frame (bought brand new yesterday) had been broken, not only broken but had been stuffed in the bin!

I am just so upset at the complete disregard for me or our house and the things in it.

I asked the boys if they had something to tell me and they both just gave me blank looks, so when I mentioned broken item they told me. Not even an ounce of remorse.
I asked why they thought it ok to break things and then hide it, tried to explain that I was upset with them for doing so....nothing!

This seems a minor thing but on top of all the rest I am just not convinced I can do this anymore.

I am a ghost in this house and it upsets me so much.

I am going to speak with dp when he gets home, he needs to do something.
I am fed up with being the person who does all this nice stuff for everyone only to be met with complete disregard

[wheresthelight]

I wholeheartedly understand!

I have my dp an ultimatum a couple of weeks ago, he either deals with his kids behaviour towards me and involves his ex in that process of contact changes so I am never alone with them. Funnily enough his ex suddenly felt the need to have stern words with her kids

It hasn't stopped it altogether but it has made it a lot better. I also told him that if the violent behaviour towards our dd (1) continued from his son (12 in a couple of weeks) that I would take our dd and leave

He has always supported me but has been slack in proper telling off he has more of a super nanny explain calmly approach. However they do respond and take notice a whole lot more when he loses his temper. He does it so very rarely but has started to when things have been really bad and it is causing a positive change especially from dss

[CoolAs10Fonzies]

yes I think I will tell dp that unless he has words and I see a change in attitude then I will not be looking after them on my own at all.

not looking forward to that discussion because dp is a head in sand type but I am not prepared for this to continue.

They boys are so materialistic and they get that from mum (dp and I have nothing ) but there is a definite selfish side that they get from dad.

pffft. I just feel rubbish

[Yellowdaisies]

How old are they? I guess they didn't do a good job of saying sorry, but would think that putting the broken item in the bin does suggest they were feeling guilty or a anxious about having broken it. Otherwise why hide the evidence?

Can you arrange to have a bit of time off to yourself at points over the next fortnight? Sounds like you'll need a break

[wheresthelight]

You could be me cool!

I have the utmost empathy

[Melonfool]

My dss behaviour improved once dp stopped the "explain and trwat him like a friend up" strategy (/rolls eyes/ only treat like grown up if they behave like grown up) and started losing his temper.

[CoolAs10Fonzies]

I know I haven't posted in AIBU but I need to know if my reaction to this is reasonable.

Dp came home. I explained what happened and that I was really upset. emphasised that I needed him to step up and show a bit of solidarity.

so dp speaks to the boys makes them apologise, takes the playstation away then sets them up quite nicely in the room with a dvd. now they are happily playing away like no punishment has been received. all within 10 minutes of him being home.

I know a punishment can't last forever but imo the message is that everything is ok once daddy is home.

literally ten minutes!!

so I said to dp "ten minutes home and they are sat happily watching dvd - yeah that really showed them"

now we are not talking.

im not disputing that taking a playstation away is not a decent consequence, but ten minutes after he gets home and all is back to normal!

not one fucker in this house gives a shit.

[Mommyusedtobecool]

I hear you!

If he's going to undermine you like that and make you look stupid for over-reacting, then why doesn't he just take all 3 dsc out instead of just the eldest!
Then he won't feel like he has to compensate shitty behaviour with more rewards. Because he'll know he was fair at the outset!
My 2 boys get upset when their df only takes out the eldest and they get left at home with dsm! (although they wouldn't dare behave like that)
Maybe you could let him take care of all 3 dc for a while and go out and treat yourself!
Exactly what I intend to do!
Some times you need a break from children, to put things back into perspective!

[saintlyjimjams]

Presumably it was an accident. They apologised (enough imo - or make them pay if they're always careless or broken due to doing something forbidden such as football in the house). Taking away playstation is more punishment than I'd give tbh (unless that was for not fessing up). Things get broken in busy households - make them pay if appropriate, otherwise accept the apology & let it go.

[Yellowdaisies]

From what you've said about this one incident, I think you probably are over reacting tbh. They broke it by accident, failed to own up straight away (not right, but very common especially if they're going), and now they've been banned from the play station. You've unhappy because normal life has resumed?

But maybe this was the last straw?

[SoupDragon]

How old are they?

[SoupDragon]

im not disputing that taking a playstation away is not a decent consequence, but ten minutes after he gets home and all is back to normal!

Are they playing on the play station then?

[PenelopePitstops]

How old are they? I'd be pissed off and you are right, setting up a dvd isn't helping. Dp needs a backbone and fast.

[K888]

I do understand. I think what you feel is probably a culmination of feeling taking for granted and not feeling okay using your own authority with the kids.

On the outside - breaking a photo frame - it is probably normal behaviour for a kid to then try and hide it - then look blank. It isn't the worst thing.

But I think it's probably built up in you - if they did it while your DP was out then you should be able to punish them yourself.

What I thought was more revealing that you said that you were a 'ghost in your own home' - after reading a few posts here in the last few days that is SO common. I thought I was the only one!

[CoolAs10Fonzies]

tbh this morning was a culmination of various disrespectful behaviour and the blatant disregard for what had happened.

it's like one step forward and two steps back really, but I know that's most likely to be down to the two houses every week scenario and I really do allow for that.

I just get exhausted having to reestablish the ground rules every week when they arrive.

I am consistent in the way I am with dd and dsc but I feel like dp is so much lazier than me in that respect so I am always the one who is 'on duty' so to speak.
regarding the playstation, you know they didn't even notice that it had been taken away as dp produced a dvd immediately like 'you can't have the playstation but you can have this!!' cue enthusiastic jazz hands

the dsc are 3,4,5 and 7. the two who had the incident are 5 and 3.

3 yr old picked it up and threw it across the room, 5 yr old broke it and tried to hide the evidence

im fed up with the lot of them today. I am completely disengaging and leaving dp to it.

I have told dp that I will disengage until I can see a shift in the attitude towards me and the house

it really is a trivial thing to get het up about but I suppose the straw that broke the camels back comes to mind.

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

Were the 3 and 5 year old completely unsupervised then, if you were in the bath, and their father was out?

[AppleAndBlackberry]

Doesn't seem ok for your DP to go out with the 7 year old and leave you with the 3,4 and 5 year olds! That's hard work. Can you take the 7 year old in future or can he take one or all of the little ones?

[AppleAndBlackberry]

Also it doesn't sound like they are specifically disrespectful of your house, given their ages I would say that's within the bounds of normal, especially if they were left to their own devices for a bit. Punishments shouldn't go on and on at that age either, a firm word and removal of the playstation sounds ok if the playstation is something they use a lot.

[TwoTribes]

Why not agree a more suitable consequence OP. Like time out, five minutes for the 5 year old, three minutes for the 3 year old. They have to reflect and apologise then you can put it behind you. Do it every time. They will feel their dad's disapproval, they will get no attention from him and they will learn how to behave more appropriately.

They are very young and my own dcs have behaved like this to me before at that age and older. My ds lied to me and continued to lie to me even when I told him I knew the truth. They're just not mature enough to understand how it can affect us, they don't really mean to hurt.

[NerrSnerr]

3 and 5? I was expecting you to say they were teenagers. I think you're overreacting, these things will happen if you have unsupervised small children in the house.

[CoolAs10Fonzies]

yes they were unsupervised. For about the length of time you would be out the room to use the toilet.
bath had been run. I was in it. Then dp left so I got out.
boys were upstairs in their bedroom as I was getting dried (doors open and in next room) I came downstairs and saw the photo frame, so it had happened within the 5 minute space of time between dp leaving and me calling them upstairs when I got out the bath.

in any case. at home I am not in the room with the children every minute of the day...how on earth would anyone get anything done.

overreaction it may be. But I'd prefer not to be in that situation again so have told dp what I will and won't do in future.

[CoolAs10Fonzies]

anyway on reflection my issue is with dp.
my past threads will probably explain a bit more.

photoframe has now been fixed and is on wall.

[ChipsOnChips]

They are far to young for you to feel this level of anger and resentment towards them.

Your DH needs to step up and parent.

[saintlyjimjams]

3 & 5?? My previous reply assumed they were at secondary school.

Completely normal behaviour.

[Letitgoletitgo]

Taking away the play station as punishment for a 3 and 5 year old just sounds odd - do they spend much time on it?! I have a 3 and 5 year old and punishment would be 10 mins in their room or on the naughty step! They don't even know what a play station is?!