Not sure I can do this much longer

(108 Posts)
wheresthelight Wed 10-Jun-15 18:23:01

Don't get me wrong I do love my step kids I just don't like my step son very much at the moment and yes I would admit to not liking my own day times.

His attitude towards me recently has been vile and even his dad admits that I haven't done anything wrong. I have told dp that I don't think I can continue having them when he is at work as it is so bad and he has agreed but I feel awful.

I hate feeling unwelcome in my own home, the atmosphere is awful and dp is clearly upset and stuck in the middle. Dss is a nice kid when he wants but his fm never disciplines him and Ada result he is very disrespectful and I won't tolerate it. When he is called on it by his dad and told to apologise he just glares at me like I am shit on his shoes and he refuses to speak.

I have told dp I will leave and take our dd with me because I am clearly the one causing the issue even if only by my presence (I am not the ow)

I don't want to be a single mum and I love my dp dearly but I simply dont think I can do this any more.

FeelTheNoise Wed 10-Jun-15 20:36:33

How old is your DSS? Is he in your sole care often?

MeridianB Wed 10-Jun-15 20:41:41

Sorry to hear you're so down, wheres. cake

What did your DP say when you told him you were thinking of leaving?

wheresthelight Wed 10-Jun-15 20:58:39

He is nearly 12 so old enough to know better. Dp works nights and we used to only have them when he was off shift and tbh dss had the same attitude to me then! But his dm insisted that it went to eow regardless which means every other visit and for 3 after schools in 6 heirs on his own with me. I make sure he gets plenty of 121 with his dad when he is around and even his dm reluctantly admits that I am not the issue and his school are reporti similar behaviour from him.

When i told him I might leave he begged me not to and promised to try harder to deal with dss and his ex.

I just think if he hates me that much nothing I do will alter that seeing as other than exist I haven't done anything wrong, then leaving might be better all around

Melonfool Wed 10-Jun-15 21:15:43

Um....12....I'm afraid, from my experience, it's going to get worse, not any better. The next six years will be hellish.

Has he had any counselling at all?

wheresthelight Wed 10-Jun-15 21:17:07

That's my fear to be honest! If we don't stop it now then it is going to get much worse.

I think the school have offered it but he refused to engage

AliceAnneB Wed 10-Jun-15 21:23:30

It's not a question of stopping it to be honest. It's a question of finding out what's wrong. Try to see him as a kid who is asking for help. Something is wrong. I'm a stepmother and I know how brutal it is to put up with awful behaviour. Please don't make things worse for everyone by leaving. I get your desperation but it's a fairly immature response and won't help anyone. Put down boundaries, clear ones. Take care of yourself and try to help your DSS.

Melonfool Wed 10-Jun-15 21:59:34

Stepkids are challenging, I met dss aged 9ish, and he's now 14. It started to get harder at 12, then 13 - right now things are pretty bad. I am away this week but am having increasingly despairing texts from his dad (who is having him all week to give the mum a break) about his behaviour. I have him on my own this weekend.

I can't advise really, I just plod from one pointless strategy to the next, frankly, in the hope he'll grow up OK in the end. And I try not to let it get between the two of us, though sometimes it is unavoidable.

It does sound as if he needs more help and support if you can find a way to get any.

helsbels1978 Wed 10-Jun-15 22:08:26

please don't think i'm trolling you OP. but really??
he is an 11 year old boy, at a confusing age (and in a confusing situation). it is often difficult dealing with a stepchild, but the answer is NOT to give your hubby an 'it's your child or me' ultimatum. you wrote
"I have told dp I will leave and take our dd with me because I am clearly the one causing the issue even if only by my presence".
try putting yourself in your stepson's position...do you think you're being a good 'mum' to him??

ImperialBlether Wed 10-Jun-15 22:16:16

She's not a mother to him, though. He has his own mum and she has her own child.

Tbh I don't think a step parent should have to be babysitting children while the parents work or go out. I wouldn't do it unless I really got on with the child - if the child was rude or abusive, there's no way I'd do that.

HesNotAMessiah Wed 10-Jun-15 22:26:08

No this is a familiar feeling, being a stranger in your own world of values and behaviours.

There's two things to acknowledge here:

Firstly this is not abnormal teen behaviour and you need to see it as such, not through a step parents lens. That won't stop it but you will feel less personally responsible.

Secondly, you cannot influence what happens at the other parents house. All you can do is state your position, get your DP to back you up and stick to it.

On the basis consequences are DP's responsibility and for them to follow thru.

Teens are quite capable of accepting different rules, and even liking some of them, it's how hard you want to press that button.

Personally if you've had a Disney DP until now, put your foot down ASAP!!

JakieOH Wed 10-Jun-15 22:32:44

This sounds awful sad is contact just EOW? If so have you tried through the day DP taking SS out just the 2 of them. When they are out together DP reinforcing positive things about you? Making him part of the family unit maybe making him feel part if it through involvement with you and DD.

I think it's really unfair for anyone to say 'are you being a good mum'! Clearly it's upset you enough to contemplate ruining your own life over so it's not like you couldn't give a shit. Your trying to do the best in a near impossible situation! I think both parents (mother and father) need to help the child come to terms with you being in his life. For his sake first and foremost. X

wheresthelight Wed 10-Jun-15 22:33:06

It's not a him or me ultimatum it's a case of I cannot take much more of this and I need to leave for my own sanity. And actually I find you post quite insulting.

I am not his mother and neither do I want to be. I am no different with him than I am my dsd or my own dad. But I am a step mum and I am fully aware I have zero sway. However I don't care whether it is my dss, mil, fail or my own mother. In my home I expect to be treated with respect.

If his issue is me then I also don't see that it is fair that I am imposed on him. We are repeatedly told on this forum that the kids don't choose to be in this situation so I am offering my dp an out. A way to solve the issue by removing the antagonist as my dss sees it - me.

JakieOH Wed 10-Jun-15 22:36:32

He is 12 right, not 11??

wheresthelight Wed 10-Jun-15 22:38:10

Jakie yup been done and to be fair although Disney at the start dp has been anything but over the last 2 years. His ex however is very Disney but only with dss. With dsd she is strict and disciplines but she sees dss as special and as such refuses to hold him to the same standards of behaviour as she expects from dsd other own dscs who live with her and om

Contact is currently eow and 1 night a week.

Walking out is neither an easy choice or an immature reaction. It is the result of years of issues and the need to put my dd first. Do you honestly think k I would tear my dd away from the daddy she adores and the siblings she worships just because I am having a strop? Ffs credit me with some intelligence.

JakieOH Wed 10-Jun-15 22:44:19

OP you do have a say!!! Why is it because our OHs have children our feelings, opinions etc don't matter?! That rubbish, it's a team effort smile don't believe that for a second!

Don't see many posts on here from people that have moved in with RP saying I'm treated like shit in my own home, think I might have to leave because I have no say grin

If you love your DP and everything else is okay then this can be fixed.

JakieOH Wed 10-Jun-15 22:47:54

Sorry OP I never thought that!!!

I think your DDs family and happiness are as important as your Dss, don't let this kid break your family up, I agree with you! Do your DSD have any issue with you?

PeruvianFoodLover Wed 10-Jun-15 22:52:09

OP - it is not immature to leave a relationship in which you are unhappy. Please, please do not feel that you are somehow held to a higher level of accountability because you are a step mum, nor feel you are trapped in a situation because it would be unfair on your SS if you left.

Leaving an unhappy relationship innevitably "makes things worse" for the party that has been left. But that is not a reason not to do it.

The relationship board is filled with posts that reiterate daily that being in an unhappy household is not good for DCs.
If you are unhappy in your relationship, then you have every right to leave it - no matter how much "worse" that makes things for your DH and his DCs.

The fact that your DSS is getting into trouble at school is an indication that this is a far bigger problem than just behaving in a way he can "get away with" in your home. Regardless of where or not there are consequences at home for poor behaviour, the fact that he is getting into trouble at school indicates that consequences are not a concern to him.

Your DSS behaviour has already gone beyond that of "most" teens; it is a small minority that cause repeated trouble at school.

If you are not confident that your DP and his ex can address their sons behaviour appropriately, and if your DP fails to protect you (and your child?) from disrespect & verbal abuse, then you have every right to leave.

wheresthelight Wed 10-Jun-15 23:07:03

Jakie apologies that was aimed at the above poster who called me immature!

Thanks Peruvian! A voice of reason and sense as always!

Dsd and I get on great, in fact although I insisted that their mum collected dss as I refuse to be treated like that in my home dsd asked if she had to go to or could she still stay here. She is currently asleep in the room she shares with dd having bent my ear about her school disco and how everyone was jealous that I had done and elsa plait.

Removing dss behaviour then dp and I have an excellent relationship. The only thing that causes tension is my refusal to just accept being treated like this. Dp is behind me 100% and has blasted his ex tonight when she tried to say that dss needed to have allowances as he is special.

He has outrightly told me that me leaving is not an option he is willing to consider. His argument is that the issue is dss behaviour and it is unlikely I am the cause of that sue to the issues at school but I am easy target for his lashing out and attitude. He is of the opinion that he needs to accept it and whether he likes me or not he needs to treat me with respect. He has asked me to give it a chance this weekend and he will take dss out and have strong words and is adamant he can sort it out. So we shall see.

Wdigin2this Wed 10-Jun-15 23:45:48

OMG, Where's....what an intolerable situation! Firstly you are NOT his mother, therefore mothering him should not be required or expected from you! Secondly, you obviously have a nice relationship with his sister so the problem is NOT really you! Thirdly, why are you being expected to look after him on your own, if his father cannot always be there, then other more flexible arrangements should be put in place, he's NOT your responsibility, and you certainly shouldn't have to feel like an unwanted visitor in your own home!! But lastly, I would think the child is unhappy, distressed and confused and as you say you're an easy target to vent his frustration on....but this is NOT Your fault, it's up to his parents to find out what the problem is and sort it out. I hope you are not forced to separate from your DH over this, as that will just make everyone more distressed than they are now...but I really understand your need to get away from the situation. I wish you well!

Melonfool Thu 11-Jun-15 00:02:17

Actually, this really echoes where we are at, dss 14 now, dp often away, doesn't want change routine, ex gets antsy if we do and dumps dss more.......I get treated poorly.
To be fair, we get on OK most of the time but now and then he's an arse - pure teen behaviour.
But in the last couple of months he's been suspended from school twice, stolen, been caught smoking, had hard core porn videos found on his phone, after phone removed bought himself a new SIM and put it in an old phone and hard core porn then found on that, been late for school every day for two weeks and now it looks as if he's been involved in a group of bullies who smashed up a kid's phone. We have also had social services involvement.

The same as your situation, I don't think this is me any more than it is you. I think there's a lot of unhappiness there and I suspect he feels dumped by his mother onto me, and no one seems to care that his df isn't there to see him, just me. It's a compliment that he feels he can take it out on me because actually I think it shows he feels safe with me.

I think you need to change the contact arrangements some how. Contact is for the child to spend time with the NR parent, not for the RP to get free childcare. If dp has a job that means contact is difficult he either changes that or changes contact.

I think your card here is "sort out contact so you are here" and try to avoid being on your own with dss.

FastWindow Thu 11-Jun-15 00:08:11

I'm going to type a quiet disagreement here. I have three dss and I do think I am their mother figure when they are with me. It creates stability.

Not wanting to be a mother figure is an odd viewpoint for a stepmum.

PeruvianFoodLover Thu 11-Jun-15 06:23:20

window - not all stepDCs are willing to accept a stepparent in a parental role.

A stepmum becoming a 'mother figure' to their DSC irrespective of the impact this has on the DCs (and the impact their parents response has on them) is, IMO, an odd viewpoint.

2boys2girls Thu 11-Jun-15 06:49:48

I've been a sp and my dp is now a step parent and I believe you are a parent figure ? Agree you are not their parent but if under your roof and in your family unit then yes surely you are? I would discipline my sc when in my sole care I couldn't/wouldn't wait until parent came home ? Saying that i believe all children lock horns with parents through tween/teen ages whether parent or step,
You need to find the reason behind this, dp needs to stop being so wishy washy and get to the route then you can all (including mother) work out a solution

Penfold007 Thu 11-Jun-15 07:11:09

I think the mother is creating a lot of the problem by saying dss is special, no he's a confused and unhappy boy. Does he want to come to your house?
I could understand if he felt rejected by his dad as your dp is at work when dss is with you.
Your dp needs to arrange access for when he can care for his son and not expect you to do it.
You sound completely exhausted.

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