Step son saying hurtful things

[Hawest1]

I'm completely new to this step parenting Milarki. Before we moved in together I felt I had a good bond with my partners son, & felt he had a good bond with my 2 boys as well. But it's been way harder than I thought!! He says some really hurtful things to me, I understand some of the things he says about my boys like 'he's naughty' etc cause 9/10 times its true, but in a few occasions he's said 'I don't even like u, don't even look at me' & 'me & dad are moving out cause I don't want to live here' my partner says he doesn't mean it but it doesn't make it hurt any less! I try my best to make an effort but it's not very often we get any free time to bond, my pair are usually there or he is off with his dad on days out to see family etc & at nights I always ask if he wants good night cuddles etc & always speak to him the same as my own boys 'nanight handsome boys, hope u all sleep well, see u in the morning' etc etc but he either ignores it or says he doesn't want me he wants his dad (which is understandable but feels like he doesn't even want me trying to include him)

[Reginafalangie]

How old is he and how long ago did his parents split?

[captainproton]

Maybe you are trying too hard? My stepson and I get on in part I suspect because I don't act like a parent to him. DH did all that, I am here and I care for him and he respects me, but I see my role as background support. Perhaps he thinks that you are taking over his dad's role in the home? I would never have asked him if he wanted a goodnight cuddle, that's always dads job. How old is he?

[yellowdaisies]

I think you maybe need to develop a bit of a thicker skin. Kids do say things like that - and at the time they probably do mean them. He didn't ask for you all to move in, and at times he probably does wish it was just him and his dad. I think you (or maybe his dad) need to allow him his feelings but help him to enjoy the positives too, and to remind him that he does still get time with just his dad - as it sounds like he does.

If your boys are being naughty and doing things that upset DSS, is it possible to keep a closer eye on them? We had lots of problems with my DD and DSS - who were aged 9-ish when we moved in together. DSS used to poke and provoke my DD whenever nobody was looking, and she would explode into tears. He was jealous and looking for a reaction I think. We tried to minimise the time they spent together when there wasn't an adult nearby, and also to reassure both that the other child wasn't "stealing" their parent.

We've been living together 3 years now, but it's still their dad they say goodnight to and give cuddles to, not me. I think that's normal for kids who are more than toddlers when you meet them.

You're right that getting some time with just you and DSS would probably help you bond a bit - is there any time when your own DSs are with their dad when you could spend a bit of time together? Is there an activity he would enjoy with you? Cooking? Gardening?

[Velociraptor]

I agree with captainproton, that maybe you are trying too hard. It sounds like he is doing his best to tell you to back off, albeit not in a particularly nice way. I don't think you need to treat him the same as your DC, as he is not yours, and presumably has his own Mum?

It sounds like you are doing your best, and it is not an easy situation for any of you to be in. I remember in the early days of living with DH DSS would frequently tell me very firmly, "You're not my Mum." As a result I have always been very careful to try not to act like a Mum to him, and over the years I like to think I have created my own, different role in his life.

I think if you give it time, and try to be guided by him, things will eventually settle down. That said my own DS has been known to tell me he hates me, and wishes I wasn't his Mum at times when he has been told off or not got his own way so I think some of it is normal and to be expected.

[Hawest1]

He is 3, his parents have been split since he was a baby. He got on with me & my kids before we decided to all get a house (new house new start for everyone) I find it hurtful but he says these things information of my 2year old & he then breaks his wee heart thinking they are going to leave.

[Reginafalangie]

He is very young and maybe the move is all just a bit much. You all have a family home now and it is likely he is not sure of his place in the home.

I know what he says is hurtful but try not to let it, give him plenty of reassurance as to him being part of the family and part of the new house. When he says anything negative don't react to it. You can say "that's not a very nice thing to say" then change the subject.

Remember he is very young and moving house is a big deal for adults let alone a 3 yo

[NerrSnerr]

Three is still tiny and I can imagine moving in with another family is a huge change for him. Just give him whatever time he needs.

[NickiFury]

He's 3!

Sorry but I think it's rather silly to label as "hurtful" something a three year old, away from their mother says to someone who is relatively unknown to them. Is he being hurtful or telling the truth in a three year old way?

[wheresthelight]

Just because he is 3 doesn't automatically make the ops feeling invalid. My 21 month old says hate you when she doesn't get her own way. It hurts.

Op I think the answer is pretty straight forward. He is too young to understand that daddy living with you and your boys doesn't mean he loves his son any less. He is jealous and confused about his place in things. He needs reassuring and for things not to change too much so if he always does football in the park with daddy on a Sunday then make sure that continues. If Friday tea is always pizza then keep that happening.

He will come around in time but he is very much still a baby. You are blue to verbalise the hurt you feel, he won't have the vocabulary to do that yet so will lash out. Hang in there it will get better

[Hawest1]

Yeh I understand a new house new family etc is a massive change but my partner doesn't seem to understand that. They still do a lot together, alone. But now that time seems to be becoming more & more because of him expressing these feelings, which again is understandable but my thinking is if they are forever doing things apart from us, he will never get used to us & being part of this family & therefore nothing will ever change.
I always ask him 'do u want a cuddle too' when my pair get one, so he doesn't feel left out, especially at bedtime, he's included in picking what's for dinner etc & we always have fun activities like painting, making cakes etc that can include everyone but he doesn't seem to be warming to any of us, he just seems to take little huffs to himself then that's when the swearing & saying harmful things etc comes out & as I said my partner doesn't seem to be making things much easier at the moment.

[Reginafalangie]

Then it is your partner that is the issue and not your DSS.

1:1 time with his son is important however so is family time. Unless your DP understands this your DSS will soon see/feel the divide and it will get worse as he gets older.

[AcrossthePond55]

I don't want to point fingers, but is his mother in the picture and could she have said anything negative to him about the new living arrangements?

I don't think I'd ask him if he wants a cuddle, unless you also ask your own boys. If you cuddle yours, just add him to the 'group cuddle' or move to cuddle him without asking (or forcing). If he pushes or turns away, just give him a pat or stroke and let him go.

I agree that there need to be 'family times', but also, if possible, you and him times. Even something as simple as taking him to the park or walking to post a letter. Something that shows him that he is part of your life, just like your own boys, and that you want to spend time with him.

I agree that your partner needs to be more conscientious about including your boys and you in the outings with his son. Right now he's reinforcing the idea of 'me and Daddy' and 'Daddy and you guys'.

[swingofthings]

He's only a baby, just saying what comes to his mind, and that probably is that you have disturbed the normality of his life which was being with his dad only (when seeing him), not his dad and two disruptive boys.

You are doing the right thing, all you need to add is patience. It will take time for your and your boy to become part of his new normality and when it does, he is likely to go from 'I don't want you here' to 'I am so pleased my dad has met you and you are my step-mum'. Dont give up.

[Hawest1]

Yeh his mum is in the picture & lets just say we shall never be friends. Long story short there has been a lot of grief regarding our relationship in the past but we are civil now & we do speak usually only 'can u drop of DSS tracksuit' 'can u do this with him this weekend' etc etc.
Thanks, I will show all these comments to my partner & hopefully that will help him to see a bit of sence. The other day when DSS was here, it was just me him & his dad, we had tea, ended up in a pillow fight & then went a trip to the park & after wards he randomly ran up to me & gave me a kiss & ran away again as if embarrassed, I was so shocked but it felt amazing to think he felt comfortable enough to do that. But then later on that day he was back to the swearing & being weird & very clingy to daddy (not a bad thing I know, was just a bit weird after such a good day) He is due to spend the weekend with us this weekend so hopefully we will make a bit of progress during this time, I know it won't happen over night, but maybe we will get somewhere.

[AcrossthePond55]

Sounds like a wee step forward.

If his mum isn't actively helping him to settle with you all, she should be. It's the right thing for the child.

Interesting about the other day when it was just the three of you. Do you think it could be more about him feeling insecure or 'second best' around your children rather than resentment of you? Not that I'm suggesting you've ever played favourites or treated him differently nor that his dad has, but you know how children can be.