Bed to hear I'm being petty and unreasonable

[HormonalHeap]

I know I need to hear this, but I inexplicably boiled over. History- Ss 20 lives with us but has refused any kind of relationship with me since I have known him (not ow).

He now has a girlfriend, and we have just moved to a new house with a new kitchen. I came home last night to find girlfriend using our kitchen as her own to cook a complicated meal from scratch.

I know I am being petty and unreasonable but I think I'm just so fed up of having no say in what happens in my home that I just blew it with dh when I saw another woman cooking in my kitchen!

[HormonalHeap]

Sorry about title mid-spelling! Should read: Need to hear I'm being petty & unreasonable!

[ImSnakePlisskenImAnAsshole]

I don't think you're being petty and unreasonable! He's 20, he's not a child. If he can't be civil with you and you live in the same house, he shouldn't be bringing his girlfriend around and letting her take over the kitchen! If he doesn't like it he's old enough to move out!

[Mouthfulofquiz]

I don't think you are being that unreasonable really. I'm not sure why your step son would think that was okay if he has no relationship with you at all! He needs to grow up a bit I think. Did she clear up after herself?

[HormonalHeap]

Thank you both, I'm shocked at your responses as I was ready to be flamed! I think my whole attitude to his girlfriend and everything to do with him would be completely different were he civil and friendly. I think he sees it as his home to do what he likes. I have an 18yo dd, the difference is though, I can 'tell her off' if I need to! Ss's girlfriend had a problem with the hob and didnt know how to use some of the appliances. I admit I'm territorial wih my kitchen though, and I just blew it with dh because I have had years of him terrified of saying anything ds may not like.

[Shakey1500]

No way, it's polite to ask, good relationship or not.

[GunShotResidue]

She was being unreasonable. Even if you had the best relationship ever with both your SS and her she should have at least checked you didn't need to use the kitchen.

[Melonfool]

I don't think that's unreasonable. He lives with you, he's an adult, he should be civil. Does he pay rent?

dp and I bought a house and moved in together two years ago, after I'd had many many years living on my own and I have really struggled to live with other people moving my things and simply being where I don't expect them. I am getting better, and dp has put up with me but has also adapted. DSS has learnt he can't just use anything he likes without asking and without putting it back.

I'd be cross in your situation but is there any way you could use the gf to your advantage, get her onside, build a relationship with her?

[HormonalHeap]

GunShotResidue they didn't check as she knew we were out for dinner, so fair enough there. Melonfool no he doesn't pay rent (or even parking tickets for that matter, Dh pays everything even though ss works).

Thinking about it my underlying problem here is the feeling of not having a say in my home about anything concerning ss. I so get what you mean Melonfool about having to get used to other people moving your things etc and just being around. Ss's girlfriend has been here all weekend non-stop and is a permanent fixture downstairs. I don't want to live with his girlfriend. Why don't I get a say?

[Melonfool]

You should get a say, take it up with dh. If as wants his gf to live there, the two of them can move out and rent a place together.

[karbonfootprint]

YANBU she crossed the line.

[yearofthegoat]

So SS ignores you yet DH doesn't address this? On what planet does he think his son's behaviour is acceptable? Either SS learns some manners pronto or he ships out- is what DH should be saying to him.

[yearofthegoat]

The GF being around without it being discussed and agreed is not on either. It isn't necessarily the GF's fault as she might have been told to use the kitchen by SS. This is down to SS, and his DF who has let him get away with poor behaviour for years.

[whiteiris]

Actually I think that this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I think all the "bigger" issues of not having a say about things that go on in your own home, and your stepson's poor behaviour just boiled over.

[steppemum]

much sympathy, but I don't think the gf cooking her is the issue is it?

It sounds like he is taking you for granted and not pulling his weight. That is the root of the annoyance I would say.

To me it is normal for adult kids to

1. pay their way (or at least contribute)
   
2. have some simple ground rules as to what is ok (for everyone) eg not putting washing machine on late at night if the noise wakes others up.
   

Of course he (and his gf) can use the kitchen, they live in the house, they need to eat dinner too. But coming on top of his general attitude it would feel like and invasion.

sorry but your dh needs to step up here.

[steppemum]

' the gf cooking her' - sounds like an episode form a horror film

obviously should be 'the gf cooking is the issue here'

[HormonalHeap]

Ss is thankfully very soon going travelling for 18 months so at least it's a short term problem. I told dh that if he would step up, risk upsetting ss and tell him he can't live here unless his attitude changes, I will certainly not be making life easy by letting the girlfriend practically move in. They were literally sitting downstairs all weekend and I told dh I do not remember agreeing to live with her. She rents her own flat with a flat mate, plenty of room for ss but I guess our house is more comfortable!

What particularly annoys me is the way dh panders to her, whist his son ignores ME.

[daisychain01]

That sounds really painful, having your DH building a relationship with the GF while your DSS doesn't even deign to treat you with respect.

Whilst the easiest thing to do is to hold your breathe and count down the days until he goes off travelling, I would still be inclined to discuss and address that situation with your DH, as that to me is a big 'fault line' running through. He should be supporting you. And where his DS isn't showing you respect in your own home, he should make it clear what your ground rules are! X

[HormonalHeap]

It's more than painful Daisychain it makes me see red. When I point this out to dh he has no answer as we both know keeping SS sweet is top priority. I very much am counting the days till ss's off. We argue endlessly about how dh handles it, it may be the only problem we have in our marriage but it is a huge one.

[QuiteLikely5]

Why do you both have to keep him sweet? Where is his mother?

Don't blame the GF, I'm assuming he told her it would be ok to cook some food.

In your shoes I would be civil, polite and treat the SS with respect.

However only on the basis that all of the above was mutual.

Do not allow anyone to disrespect you in your own home. Certainly not a 20yo man.

[Wdigin2this]

OMG, if I came home and found a virtual stranger cooking in my kitchen...I'd hit the roof! But that's not really it is it Hormonal? I get what you're saying about DH never tackling his son's behaviour, but this is ridiculous!! He lives rent free in your home, brings his girlfriend to stay without so much as asking if it's OK...and all the time he rudely ignores you? Grit your teeth until he goes away, give your DH a few days to enjoy the peace and then sit him down and insist he listens to you, and tell him EXACTLY how you feel about living with his son, pull no punches, accept no pathetic excuses, and tell him that you will not accept his son back into the family home...full stop!

[daisychain01]

Wdigin2this I think Id stop short of banning the SS from the family home. That probably would make matters worse

IMO It would be better to get some boundaries set, get SS to improve his attitude and start to pay a bit more respect to Hormonal. At 20yo he isn't too old to have a talking to. The reason this has gone from bad to worse is because the DH needs to grow a pair.

[Wdigin2this]

Daisy, I didn't mean actually banning him from ever visiting the family home, more a case of banning him from moving back in to live there! But I take your point, if DH doesn't wise up and take control of the situation, he may find himself living in the house, with only DS for company!

[HormonalHeap]

QuiteLikely his mother lives far away so it suited him for work to live here. Ss once went nc with dh (blamed it on my existence) and is perfectly aware that dh will do anything to prevent that happening again.

I am not blaming his gf. There's only one person I can blame and that's dh. Because in not supporting me he is taking authority from me in my own home. He thinks I've just "got it in" for ss.

To be fair. my ds 15 can be annoying/rude to dh. But he is also affectionate to him and certainly doesn't ignore him. The point is though, when he's rude I give him hell, in full sight of everyone. Whereas ss is not directly rude, but will for example walk straight past me out of the house without saying goodbye..so it's more hidden.

wdigin2this dh won't ban him, ever. He is constantly fighting his chidren's corner. Very happy to criticise mine, but never his own, after all there is always an "explanation", and failing that it's because their parents are divorced!

[Wdigin2this]

Oh, I feel your pain Hormonal!!!
I've said it on MN before but it's sooo true....divorced/separated fathers are generally the ones who leave the family home after a split-up, and they are consequently forever wracked with guilt about not being there in their children's home life! This produces the Disney Dad syndrome whereby DF never...ever says no to his DC, for fear of becoming the badguy in their lives! And in many cases (which I know only too well) the DC grow up with entitlement isues and/or they know exactly which buttons to press to get DF to play ball! Hormonal, you are either going to have to live with this, or make some kind of radical stand which may or may not have an effect on your DH!
Good luck!

[HormonalHeap]

Wdigin2this in this case Dh didn't leave his ex or family, she had an affair, and he desperately tried to hang on for the kids- so he doesn't even have that excuse! I think if their ex wife has remarried, Disneys feel even more threatened that new stepdad is taking their place, and the Disneying reaches new heights.

I have had to resort to blackmail and tell dh that in this instance if he doesn't man up and tell ss that they are welcome to make easy stuff but if they want to do a full Masterchef it will have to be in her's or her mum's kitchen, I will be telling them myself, and I won't be held responsible if it comes across rudely.