Dealing with the negativity

[FaithLoveandHope]

Hi all, I'm finding it really hard to deal with all the negativity at the moment. I'm just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle it all. DSS (who's 5) was here for the earlier part of the half term and has started coming out with things like "I can't do xyz as mummy will hate it" and "mummy likes that we now live far away". She's also asking DSS if he'd rather see Daddy or do insert fun thing with her. Of course he's choosing the fun thing. It feels like she's turning DSS against DP. She's stopped contact again and since DP works some weekends (8 am until 8 pm) he won't be able to see DSS now for a month! Although that's assuming she doesn't change contact again, so it could be even longer than a month. She's taken to slagging me and DP off on facebook, saying her DP is stepping up to the plate and being an amazing father in place of DSS's useless one who left (despite the fact DM left DP not the other way around) and that me and DP mean nothing to DSS :( I don't know how to deal with such negativity. It's horrible knowing there's someone out there who hates me so much she spends time actively slagging me and DP off, simply because I happened to fall in love with her ex and her son! Honestly, how do you deal with it? I also have no idea how to support DP. He feels awful he can't see his son for a month and that his ex is so actively hateful towards us. I'm trying to understand it from her point of view but for 1 I don't have DC of my own so have no idea what it's like to be an actual bio mum / separated parent and 2 I just cannot fathom why you would tell your child you hate their father so much. My Nan made it quite clear she thought less of my Mum because she had a different father to her other DC. I know this is different in that DM is only saying she hates his Dad rather than him, but I've seen how hurt my mum is by it all and I just can't understand why you wouldn't want to foster the relationship between your DC and their parent!

[HeadDoctor]

Get acquainted with Karen Woodall's blog
Block the ex on Facebook. It's nonsense. Don't even engaged with it.
Concentrate on providing a happy, family environment for the time DSS is with you.
If DP can change his hours, get him to do it. Not seeing him for a month at a time is terrible.

[FaithLoveandHope]

Thanks HeadDoctor that blog looks great! I'm not even sure why I have ex on facebook tbh. She added me a while back but I really shouldn't have accepted and should just block her! Unfortunately DP can't change his hours at the moment but may be able to in a few weeks time. Thing is, it's only one weekend he's working, the rest she's stopping contact because apparently DSS would rather do fun thing with Mum next weekend and has several parties to attend another weekend which apparently DP is incapable of taking him to

[HeadDoctor]

Then I'd be looking to get things firmed up. Have they tried mediation?

[FaithLoveandHope]

They tried it years ago. Think it helped at the time but then she got with her new DP and things started to go downhill again after that.

[HeadDoctor]

He needs to keep firm. It's really important that a child has a relationship with both parents if possible and it sounds like she's trying to undermine that.

[FaithLoveandHope]

How though? The more he puts his foot down about contact, the more she argues and stops it :(

[HeadDoctor]

Court. He has a duty to protect his son's right to spend time with his father.

[Reginafalangie]

His only options are mediation and/or court.

If he continues to allow her to control him using their son then the situation will never change. Courts do not look favourably on mothers who block contact with good fathers for no concrete reasons.

It will be a long process and the ex will kick back anyway she can but your DP needs to ensure he does all he can to have consistent contact with his son. Sitting back and pandering to the ex will solve nothing. His son deserves to have a relationship with his dad and it is your DP's responsibility to do all he can to make that happen.

[CandyLane]

The ex sounds very similar to my DH's ex.
The problem we've found is that she is doing her best to limit contact but in a clever way by making the children 'busy' or offering them a fun thing to do if they stay with her, and she knows that DH wants them to do what they want, he doesn't want them to feel that they have to visit him.
So it would be difficult for DH to prove to a court what she is up to because it's apparently 'what the kids want'. But if DH put his foot down and insisted they come to him she would be saying things on the line of "sorry kids your dad won't let you go to the theme park this weekend".

Definitely block the ex on Facebook.

I think you need to detach a little. I know it's hard but there isn't really anything you can do to improve things, try not to take on the stress of a problem that you didn't create and you can't fix.

Support your DP, listen to him when he needs to talk, go with him to the solicitor if u go down that route etc...but other than that there isn't much more you can do.

Have confidence in yourself and your DP and that you're both doing your best for DSS.
It doesn't matter what the ex thinks about you or what she tells her friends and family about you, then mean nothing to you, they're opinions don't matter.