Dad's (childless) girlfriend...not quite step yet!

[bermondsey1]

Hi,

New to this and just wanted to share some feelings, questions & try to make sure I am not messing up too badly!

I'm their Dad's girlfriend & have known them nearly a year now. I don't have any children so I think a lot of this is very new in terms of just getting used to children, let alone the 'step' side of things!

Getting used to an 8, 5 & 4 year old. To start it was EOW but now it's twice a week which is much better tho full-on...I think only seeing them once a fortnight made it really hard to bond. Dad was veering a little bit Disney to start with but we talked things through and agreed that boundaries were good & healthy and he's pretty good now. I can talk to him about anything and he is a really good listener, which massively helps. I'm not afraid to say how I feel or if I feel I'm failing and he gives me lots of praise and support, he's a great guy :-)

What do I find difficult? Discipline is a bit of a weird one. There's so much conflicting advice! Because the children are so young, I can't help but step in sometimes, I think it goes down okay and my partner is absolutely supportive and wants me to discipline. I sometimes hang back with the older one as it feels a bit awkward. Is that the right thing to do?

I can't help sometimes but feeling left out? The kids are pretty good and they adore their Dad which is lovely. I sometimes feel I'm in the kitchen doing the cooking or washing up while they're playing...he says I martyr myself but I just like to get on with things and let them have time together. Again the kids often like to help in the kitchen so it works out alright. I find bedtimes hard though; the elder two seem to have a real issue saying goodnight to me? I don't know why? Dad coaxes them to say 'goodnight' otherwise they'd just walk out of the room without a backward glance :( that is hard because I do play with them a lot and try and do nice things with them. Do I try too hard? I know it is early days and trivial compared to many but it hurts after a long day of running around pleasing them.

Affection is non-existant. The 4 year old is fine actually, but the elder 2, no way. I don't expect them to hug me (yet...or ever) but I sometimes feel after a long weekend that I do a lot of grunt work and get no thanks? I have learned along the way that kids are generally ungrateful, it's not just the situation (it's all so new to me!).

The 5 year old boy is probably the one I struggle with the most. He is a real Daddy's Boy which is nice. He follows him around the house and I think perhaps the divorce was hardest on him. He will physically push us apart; he talks back a LOT (not just to me necessarily but will call me a liar and especially talks back when Dad's not in the room). My partner does pull him up on things and is pretty good. I definitely do not want to replace their Mum; I am pretty sure that she may well be making negative things up about me - and I know it is early days still and I hope we will all find our way in time. I always make sure they get alone time with Dad, I don't want them to feel like I'm always there and they have to compete.

I read a lot of books on this subject and it helps a bit, but not the same as knowing other people in my shoes. Today is a good day, and I do learn to take little things as good things (if the kids include me in something or whatever). Some days I do beat myself up and think am I doing wrong, could I do better? I do feel left out, rejected, frankly knackered haha, biting tongue, drudgey sometimes, it is a steep learning curve! Is that normal parenthood though? I am in no way saying this is parenthood or I am a parent, because I know I am not, but I do perform a caring role in their lives (and they are quite young and need a lot of attention).

Was this even a question? In the end, not really, just a bit of a ramble I'm afraid. I suppose my question is, anyone in a similar boat, or anyone got any good advice please - seasoned stepparents; bio-parents; children growing up with steps....any more childless Dad's girlfriends out there?

Thank you so much x

[littleshorty]

Do you and your dp live together? How long have you been together? You sound lovely and caring only advice I would give is let him take the lead re descipline and stop doing the grunt work

[Melonfool]

With regard to him being cheekier when dad is not there - we had this with dss (I am same, dad's gf, no kids of my own, we live together now, dss is 14, but we've been together 6 years this year, though known dss about 5) it's really important that dp does pull him up on slights, even if they seem trivial. My problem was that dp didn't and then it was far worse when he wasn't there. So we talked about it and he does now pull him up on what may seem fairly minor at the time but especially if it is directed at me.

We've had a few issues with the ex but mainly she's OK. My main issue is that she wants to dump dss on us all the time. Dp isn't bothered by that - for him a good time is when he has me and his ds, but for me I admit I like the time we have without dss as well and I made that point early on.

She did have a thing about just deciding I could look after dss because I wasn't working (I took time out in chunks to do a degree but dp has never supported me, not that it was really any of her business) and yet when I offered to have him saying yes and then not turning up. But we're past that now because he's old enough to just come over. She also told dss I was 'boring' (well, if that's the worst she can come up with I'm probably doing OK). More recently she and I have had a few chats about handling him because of his age and we're more or less on the same page - she seems to think I am better at that than dp now as well (dp, like many dads, too soft, too worried about losing contact, too guilt-ridden, anything for a quiet life etc. Though not a DisneyDad, I wouldn't let him be - the unwritten rule is that when dss is there dp does the tea, it doesn't always work that way but it generally does, and he does all their laundry and ironing and so on).

We are hoping to be able to have him for Christmas this year, we never have, we usually have him up to and including Xmas eve from when school breaks up, then Boxing day to 2nd Jan. Yup, she only have Christmas day, for the past 5 years! We're hoping to go away this year so fingers crossed she'll agree :)

It is often me who initiates fun things - trips, activities, but as you say dss doesn't show a whole lot of appreciation. I don't think this is him being 'step', I think it's just his age. I work on the basis that he'll remember it later!

dss has been known to spontaneously hug me, but in fact it's me who doesn't do touchy-affection so I find that a bit odd.

I reckon the best status you can hope for is a trusted aunt. Someone they can respect, confide in if necessary and yet not feel beholden to.

Most important thing of all is communication with your dp about everything.

[PolyesterBride]

I used to hate being told to kiss my stepmum goodnight as a kid. I don't think you should force something like that. I think if you say goodnight, they should respond, and should be told to, but not every night and it shouldn't be a big deal.

[pluCaChange]

It sounds as though he's expecting you to do an awful lot here, which doesn't sound terribly fair on either you or the children. It's unfair to you, bringing the children into potential conflict with you, when you don't seem to have done anything to be resented, except be there. It also sounds unfair to the children, to present them with you, when they only want him!

How old are you, compared to him, and how long have you been together? What was his schedule with the children like, before you and he started going out and (presumably) living together?

[butterflyballs]

I m not trying to project my own situation on yours but mine hasn't got any easier.

My dsd is now 12, she was 8 when I got together with her dad and he had been apart from her mum for over two years at that point. She doesn't thank me for anything, not giving her a lift, buying presents, giving her things. Nothing. She doesn't say hello, goodbye or goodnight unless prompted by dp. She has lied about me to her mum (or her mum is inventing things to moan about). I've been accused of not treating her like my two. Then accused of not giving her special treatment and was being too hard on her by asking her to put dirty stuff in the wash and not down the side of her bed.

I am now at a point where I've kind of given up. I am nice to her, I cook for her, I will talk to her but I leave everything to dp as much as possible and I refuse to be left alone to be accused of something later on. The last accusation, i wasn't even present but dp was and he is bewildered how I'm meant to have said something when I wasn't even there!

Take a back seat with the kids and house. Don't get dragged into doing everything for him as its not down to you. And try not to get left alone with the kids either.

[MsColouring]

You sound like you're doing great. You care enough to reflect on how things are going and read up on step-parenting. You seem realistic and mature about things.

[riverboat1]

I am also a childless dad's girlfriend, though sometimes refer to myself on her as a SM as it's been six years!

My advice would be:

• learn and remember that children are children and you cannot have the same expectations of them (in terms of compassion, thoughtfulness, self-awareness, fairness, compromise) as adults. This took me a while!
  
• pick your battles
  
• be as laid back as possible, keep your expectations low but know your bottom lines
  
• experiment to find a good balance of time spent as various combinations of people in the family (including time for just you to do your thing)
  
• do what you can to get on with their mother. A united front means divide and conquer can't work.
  
• never try to be their mother.
  
• if they don't verbally say thank you, try to see your thank you in the smiles on their faces when you play with them or the way they demolish the favourite meal you cooked for them
  

...this all works for me, but my DSS is quite easy going and DP doesn't have any Disney/shirker issues. Take from it what you will, and good luck!

[Quitelikely]

You sound great.

My advice: treat the children as you would any other children, don't get too emotionally involved, let your partner do the parenting, that's truly what the children want. Refrain from telling them off, leave it to your partner.

Yes be nice and civil but not overly involved.

Your role is a thankless one.

Not saying goodnight is rude and tbh I would let this pass for a little while. Otherwise it will be used as a weapon to make you feel bad every time the decide not to say it.

hope this helps

[slkk]

Hello op. Please remember that every family is different and you will get lots of advice on here but ultimately will need to follow your gut. My dh is from a culture where all adults are like parents and insisted that I get properly involved with his children, including disciplining them. For us this worked, especially as they came to live with us full time for a while. For others it won't work. I also have sole care of them regularly. Again, others wouldn't want this. I have known them since they were little and now they are young teens and we are very close. But we are lucky. You seem be an intelligent, thoughtful and reflective person who communicates well with your dp. Keep this up and keep listening to the children as well. And don't try to follow all the advice on here - our family was well established by the time I found this board and although I find some posts and perspectives interesting and useful, I think I might have gone crazy trying to follow the differing advice when I was less confident and trying to get it 'right' in the early days. Be yourself and I'm sure you'll be a lovely step mum. Good luck x

[bermondsey1]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond everyone. I really appreciate it, and even though it's relatively early days, it is great to know that there are 'others' out there and a place to come for support and advice. Some forums you see are so polarised...everything is either terrible & negative or sunny & wonderful! I know people don't generally come on forums to be 'average' but it is nice to know there are people in the same situation.

I have read 'How to be a happy Stepmum' and 'Look before you step', both of which have got some useful tips in them and I find myself referring to (just to keep me sane sometimes!) Actually I am going to ask my partner to read them too so it's a neutral voice and backs up some of the ways that I sometimes feel.

Discipline is a hard one and one that I & my partner have mixed feelings about - and I agree with all the sentiments you have had. I try to leave it to him in the most part but as you can imagine a 4 and 5 year old sometimes need swift intervention - and it feels appropriate most of the time.

The goodnight one is a funny one; I would never try to kiss them or hug them (although I feel bad because the 4 year old is affectionate with me and me back to her ... what do the elder 2 make of it ...). I guess it is just hurtful but so are a few parts of being Dad's Childless Girlfriend! I am developing a much tougher skin and trying to be pragmatic about things really. But, my partner is pretty good at picking the kids up on things, luckily for my sake. It is definitely 'choose your battle' but he is good at picking them up either on the spot, or if I have mentioned something he will spot it the next time. Fingers crossed.

Thank you for all the help so far. We have now got the kids for a 5 day stretch so perhaps my emotions will feel stronger over this time. I'm really pleased my partner is on side with me and that we can talk because I imagine it would be bl00dy hard otherwise. He tried to be a bit Disney at the start but soon stopped!