Issues with DH becoming a resident parent to DC after being a lifelong Disney Dad to DSC

[Cliffdiver]

Does anyone else have issues with DH who has been - for the majority - a NRP to DSC to then becoming a father to your DC together?

I don't think I explained that very well.

We have DSD 16 who lives with her DM (DH and her split when DSD was 3) and DD1 3 and DD2 1.

Before we had DDs, DH was very much used to being a Disney dad. He was always the 'fun' parent who never had to be involved in the 'mundane' daily life of raising a child such as nagging to do homework / tidy room / eat veg etc.

Now we have DC I think he is struggling with being more than a fun parent and does not really get involved to the level I would expect.

For instance I always organise activities, buy and choose presents, do washing, arrange appointments, plan meals for the girls.

DH also has a reluctance to do things with the children he does not enjoy, for example take DD1 to Sunday School tomorrow (he would not have to stay) or take DD2 to her weekly music class.

He admits he is being selfish, but does not think it is an issue.

I don't really know what I'm looking for by starting this thread. Other people's experience / words of wisdom I guess.

[AmyElliotDunne]

Sadly I don't think this behaviour is exclusive to dads who have been NRP to previous DCs. It sounds very much like my ex with our 3 DCs and like so many of the other twunts I read about on here who are only too happy to leave the wifework/family organisation to you because they know you will do it.

There's literally no incentive for them to pick up the slack because either you will do it, or you won't, in which case everyone else will assume you should have done. It's only on MN that anyone would presume to judge a dad as harshly as a mum if their DC doesn't turn up to classes or parties, doesn't have a gift for the birthday child or doesn't have clean clothes on.

Sadly most people would automatically think "there's a mum not doing her job" rather than blame both parents equally and this this attitude that allows these men to get away with it.

All you can do is make sure that YOU don't have this attitude, you spell out exactly what you expect of him and he either steps up or fucks off. If he wants to be Disney dad he only gets to do that every other weekend, if he's a full time dad he needs to behave like one.

[ImperialBlether]

Are you sure you're not experiencing first hand the reason why he's divorced? He sounds very selfish. It's all very well being the parent who gives the treats, but a real parent is there for everything - the homework, the lifts, the telling off for not eating vegetables as well as the great things. Of course some of those things are boring, mundane, repetitive etc. Of course they are. But you do them because you're a parent, because you want your child to be happy and fulfilled, because you want them to go to Sunday School or whatever. It sounds as though he's just a selfish man, though.

[Cliffdiver]

Thanks Amy that was really helpful, and your last paragraph really hit home.

DH knows I am not happy with him not getting involved with things he doesn't want to do, but sadly I don't think he will change.

I agree that in RL it is usually the mothers who are expected to to things and judged when they don't.

[Cliffdiver]

Imperial DSD's DM had an affair which is why they split. But I suppose his behaviour - whatever it was like at the time could have been the catalyst which led her to it. But I have no idea what kind of a parent he was 16 years ago.

[ImperialBlether]

It's unlikely his behaviour's improved, though, isn't it? I would have thought a younger man would be more likely to be selfish.

What will you do if he doesn't change?

[Quesera21]

Basically your DP has never brought up a child.

He has no clue,as do many partners what is required to make a household function without kids, let alone with kids. The concept of planning, booking kids in to classes, taking them, clothing, food etc.

MY Ex as superb until he did the dirty, but he still did not get where half the stuff appeared from, classes happened etc etc etc.

He may now be getting a greater appreciation of what his EX went through as a single mum - and that some of her issues may have been valid.

[Cliffdiver]

Agree Quesera he has never 'brought up' a child, before we made the decision to have children I saw him with DSC and thought what a wonderful parent he was. And he is a great parent - just at the 'fun' stuff .

I'm not sure imperial, we all had a fantastic day at a National Trust sight - DH's idea, which was nice as I usually decide where we do. When we are out having fu. Together it's great, it's just the day to day things that need doing that he doesn't get.

I don't want to leave him, I love him and we are - on the most part - a happy family, but I suppose that's because I have been getting on and doing everything.

[JakieOH]

Does he actually do these things when you ask him to? Is it that he doesn't take the lead and organise them himself that upsets you?

Just wondering, my DP has his kids every other weekend and a week night, would have them more if possible but he is a great dad, like you say at the fun stuff. We quite often have words as I struggle with his lack of discipline but he says he doesn't see them much and hates getting on at them too much, he worries they won't want to come if he gets too strict I often wonder if, like you describe this would be a major problem if we ever have our own.

I'm new to this so sorry if it doesn't make much sense, not used to writing like this!!

[Cliffdiver]

Jackie yes he does when I ask him. But it's annoying having to ask him and I feel like I'm nagging.

Is your DH involved in the everyday lives of his DC? As my DH never had been with DSC - he's always just had the one or two nights a week of fun and that's it.

I understand totally what you mean by no discipline - not that DSD needs it tbh as she's always beautifully behaved when she's with us, and has been for the 6 years DH and I have been together.

[Justusemyname]

Trouble with offering him EOW as a Disney dad if he won't grow up is he might opt for it.

He's a prick. Tell him what you expect or make a decision. If he's not going to act as an adult he doesn't get to do adult things...

[Nellagain]

If he does it when you ask him then keep asking. make sure you are asking him to pick up 50%of the slack. Tell him certain activities or jobs are his responsibility. Eventually it will work out. and/or you ahve a conversation with him about what you expect.

Sometimes I think we all get stuck in gender specific roles. Him -he assumes you should take the lead role as you are the woman.
you- you feel guilty for asking him to do stuff (nagging??) You aren't nagging. You have internalised the assumption that you should be doing this stuff.

If he does indeed think you are nagging ir unreasonable then that is whole different problem and nothing to do with him being an ex Disney dad.

[JakieOH]

he doesn't really tbh cliff. His exw is very controlling, for example she text him half an hour before parents evening to tell him it was on she thought he was working and wouldn't make it, she didn't expect that he would drop everything and manage to make the 3/4 hour car journey in time but that's exactly what he did. She didn't tell him that the youngest was needing glasses until the day before she got them, didn't tell him about sports day .... And on it goes!!

He has mentioned about speaking to the school himself to see if there is any way he can be informed when things are happening etc but hasn't pursued it. He would like to see them more than every OW and an extra day a week but she won't have it and it probably would be disruptive to their routine.

He tries to phone every night but they are always 'busy' or 'out' so rarely gets to do that.

If I was him I would be more forceful, but seems to be a theme on here of dads not wanting to rock the boat

Sorry, I wandered off your post there. I don't think your DP is necessarily a prick, if you love him just train him

[Quesera21]

Jakioh - I get the hospital appointments but quite frankly, all the school stuff is his responsibility as much as his EXs.

My DCS school has a website with the school calendar for the year on it, everything he needs to know is on there. I am not his bloody wife anymore, not his social secretary and he is quite capable of reading it himself. I do remind him the weekend before but that is for the DCS sake - not his. This is acopia that so many fathers seem to have on bringing up children is there regardless of being separated or not!

We have an e mail address that we can both access that the school send everything to - he never opens it!

[JakieOH]

I know he has phoned before, I think it was after the parent evening situation and was told that letters get sent out to the parents but only the main carer if you get what I mean. I did say to him that that couldn't be right there must be a facility for these situations but like I say, I don't think he has pursued this.

Part of the problem with his situation is that his exw has always been happy to be in charge of these things and sort it all out. She always told him in the past when things were happening etc but since her BF ended their relationship she has turned on me. He has stuck up for me, as she was either misinformed or just decided to make stuff up to take out her shit time on me . this has resulted in their relationship nose diving to an extent and her not keeping him in the loop. In saying that I agree that he needs to step up to the mark and not rely on her anymore to keep him informed x

[JakieOH]

Sorry cliff, I feel I have somewhat hijacked your post just sruck a cord x

[Cliffdiver]

Don't apologise jackie

Had a glass bottle of wine so will reply tomorrow.

[LaLyra]

Jackie If your DH has parental responsibility for the children then the school are obliged to send him a copy of the information (school reports etc) if he requests it.

[JakieOH]

I would presume he has parental responsibility, he is their dad so that's why I was surprised. Here must be other kids in the school whose parents aren't able to communticate effectively with each other!