fed up

[wheresthelight]

I am fully aware I have a dp issue and not a stepkids issue (although they are going through a "treat wheres like shit" phase) but how do I deal with it without looking like a complete bitch?

I am fed up of having dp's kids dumped on me while he buggers off to work in fact it pisses me off royally that he whinges about not getting time to do his own stuff when I spend every second of every day either at work or looking after dd or dsc's. I never get alone time, I never get to go out with my friends without at least 1 kid in tow and I am getting really resentful of it and as much as I try i am struggling not to translate that frustration with dp into short temper with the kids.

how do I get him to understand that him and his ex need to stop expecting me to pick up their slack and their lack of rules and discipline with dsc's? it's his weekend with the kids, he is at work Saturday and Sunday night and has booked to go on a lads drinking afternoon tomorrow to a local beer festival. he hasn't had a night out with the lads in months and I don't begrudge him having the afternoon out but I am now being told that it works better for him if I pick his kids up and then go and pick him up. I genuinely want to yell at him that I am not his fucking taxi service and he can pick his own bloody kids up but it will end up in world war 3.

how do I deal with this in a way where it doesn't look like I am having a pop at his kids (they are nice kids and we get on, I love them as I do my friends kids iyswim) but gets my point across that they are jot my responsibility and he needs to do something about being more present when they are here?

[olgaga]

How long have you been putting up with this?

Stop enabling him to duck his responsibilities. I would point blank refuse to be a taxi service. Give him the number of a local taxi firm and tell him to get on with it.

What is achieved by contact time with a parent if the parent isn't even present? Fair enough on occasion, but not most of the time.

You are his wife, but he treats you like an unpaid nanny.

[Quesera21]

YOur DP needs to grow up and stop being such a selfish wanker.

In his contact time , he needs to sort out / discuss with you how his kids are looked after. I do not believe that family life gets suspended when his DCs are there, they ahve to take part in noraml everyday life - time with the NRP is not all party time. Some of that maybe Dad at work so may not but he can not just dump it on you or back on his EX

This is not the responsibility of his EX either - his time, his cost, his responsibility. It is not the responsibility of his EX to pick up his contact time deficiencies. If I want to do something without my DCs, I sort out child care - it costs me, such is life.

[Sanityseeker75]

I get where you are coming from, how old are the kids? I am not saying that your DP should be able to get away with swanning off whe you are left to pick up the slack BUT there is an assumption (well at least there is in my house to) that anything to do with kids tends to fall to me. Literally DS could come and look for me to get him a drink when he was younger - even when he had been sat next to his dad on the sofa!

The thing is your DP doesn't think he is being unreasonable and selfish, whilst you know he is you don't want to ave to stamp your feet because then it will look like you are trying to ruin his bit of fun and don't want to look after the kids and actually you don't mind them it is just the assumption that you are expected to when you get no time.

The problem is that unless you force yourself to go out occasionally and make some time for yourself you will always have that simmering of resentment underneath.

I used to take kids if I was meeting up for a mate to have a coffee and then it would do my head in because I wanted to be able to moan about everyday life but couldn't because the kids are there. When I first started going on my own I had pityful looks off the kids and DH, it felt like I was being selfish and abandoning them all. Now I love it. I warn them all in advance and then run.

Now I get that it wasn't DH stopping me having a life without him and the kids it was because I had always just took on the role of facilitator for them and forgot to keep my own life going.

[MythicalKings]

I would tell him no beer festival unless he makes arrangements for childcare. I cannot believe that you have been putting up with this.

His ex and him need to sort out childcare not you.

[wheresthelight]

He doesn't expect to dump them on his ex, the fact is when she doesn't want them or can't arrange childcare (her dp refuses to have them) then they get dumped on me us. I am fully aware that he is their dad and it's his responsibility but I pay a fortune for childcare for dd so I cam work and yet she refuses and expects me to alter my work hours if dp is working to have them too so I am getting treated like a mug by both of them

I know I need to out my foot down but how do I go about it without looking like I am throwing a temper tantrum or having a pop at the kids?

[wheresthelight]

sanity they are nearly 12 and 9.5

[crossroads15]

I think it might be worth throwing a temper tantrum OP and I think you can do it without sounding like you're having a pop at the kids. Just make it clear it's HIM you're unhappy with. What's the alternative? Sitting on it and letting the resentment bubble away?

Honestly, you're not being a bitch and if he thinks you are, it's him being unreasonable. He shouldn't be delegating to you every time his kids come and stay.

And just politely say "no" to the ex when it isn't convenient or do what I do and say, "sorry, I can't, give (DH) a ring and see if he can". Defer her to him. And likewise him to her.

[MythicalKings]

Good plan, crossroads. Always say no to the ex and insist your DH makes other arrangements sometimes so you can spend time with your DCs or get some space away from the family altogether.

[wheresthelight]

I have started saying no to his ex and pointing out that we have to sort childcare when they are with us and we both have commitments so it up to her to sort it out on her time and nit keep relying on me but she tends to kick off and then stop contact which is why dp panders to her

[Corygal]

This is tricky because if you say anything about how put upon you are, he no doubt accuses you of not being a caring stepmother, rather than accepting he's running you ragged being the sole carer for all his various children.

He's badly dodging his fathering responsibilities to all the kids. You've got to talk to him about it after the weekend, and before the next time the kids are due. Failing that, make yourself silently unavailable for all the children whenever necessary. Book a trip out with a friend and go on it. Repeat as necessary.

[wheresthelight]

corygal I think that is exactly what I need to start doing. I genuinely don't mind having them when he is at work provided he actually helps when he isn't but it's this bloody whinge about not getting time to do stuff he enjoys that is really pissing me off.

I don't have very many friends locally and less so since we moved to be nearer his kids schools so getting out isn't easy and I think he has just got into the habit and because I haven't ever challenged it as always too flipping wary of coming across as having something against the kids I have just let it happen.

whilst throwing the temper tantrum is highly tempting it won't get me anywhere. and will just make me feel worse as I will then feel guilty. I want to do it properly so we can talk it through rather than it come across as me attacking him.

[crossroads15]

The ex sounds totally unreasonable. I'd do all you can to avoid speaking to her at all if she's asking you to provide childcare during her time and threatening to cease contact when you say no. If you can, I suggest including this in your conversation with DP. Her calling you and forcing you to say "how high?" when she says "jump" is incredibly unfair. Your DP must realise he shouldn't put you in that position. She should only be calling him unless it's an emergency and she can't reach him.

[wheresthelight]

crossroads he knows but unfortunately she has the ultimate weapon!

he worships his kids and hates that he doesn't get to live with them through no choice of his own (ex cheated and although he forgave her she picked om over him) so he tends to end up being a bit of a doormat as she has carried out her threat of stopping contact a few times and he would sooner pander than risk not seeing them. I can understand the feeling but it doesn't make it any easier

[Snoozybird]

If your dp is truly that scared of the ex then he needs to get his own ass into gear to sort out childcare for when he's at work, let alone the times he agrees to extra contact. If it's him being inconvenienced by having to rearrange his commitments/lose his leisure time instead of you then you might find he suddenly grows a backbone instead of pandering to the ex.

And as for you being worried that he might accuse you of having a pop at the kids, well I would throw it straight back at him that you already spend more time with them than he does and you're not even related, so if you wanting to share the responsibility more fairly reflects badly on you then what the hell does that say about him as their actual parent. He'd have a bloody cheek to complain about you being a "bitch" for wanting some time to yourself when that is the position he's already enjoying and is trying to maintain for himself even though they are HIS children!

Time for you to get angry or the resentment will just drive you apart anyway.

[crossroads15]

My DH and I rarely argue and I hate it when we do.

We had a whopping row recently however because for the third term in a row he said he couldn't make DSD's parent-teacher meeting and asked if I could I go instead. I don't mind this occasionally, it's happened a few times over the years, I know the teachers (a couple of them are my friends), they know us and it's not as awkward as it could be. I relay to him what's been said and leave him to decide what to do with it. Anyway I was annoyed because I felt it was becoming a routine thing instead of an occasional thing and I don't want anyone thinking DSD's academic achievements are somehow my responsibility but I pathetically let it slide, rolled my eyes at him and bit my tongue.

So DH let DSD's Mum know I'd be going instead of him and I get a text from her saying "I forgot to make an apt, I'm quite busy next week and I don't really have any childcare so can you just text me with what the teachers say". It felt like they were both taking the piss. I mean all of us working parents are feckin' 'busy'! Me included.

Anyway I did let rip with DH and I'm absolutely certain he thought I was being a mega-bitch at the time. Low and behold though a couple of days later he'd managed to reschedule work so he could go to the meeting. What I'm trying to say is that time I felt I had to scream and shout to be heard. We're fine now and I feel like the balance of responsibility has shifted a tiny bit more back towards where it should be. The tantrum paid off

[Melonfool]

Hello

I am an [unmarried] stepmum without my own children, with just one stepson.

While my OH is not as, um, tricky as the OP, he can be thoughtless. He and I both work full time in busy jobs away from the home. I am away usually three to four days a week and he is sometimes home and sometimes away.

We do our best to just share things out between us but I get cross if his assumption that I will be here for the boy means my plans are curtailed. The ex has never been able to plan anything in advance so she often leaves us to deal with school holidays etc, which we generally do, but now and then I have to put my foot down and say we need some time on our own. The boy is 14 now so we have the teen stuff to deal with and it's hard. He and his dad wind each other up and it's me who suffers.

When this builds up, as it does now and then, I tell OH that the reason the boy comes is to have contact time with his father, not for his mother to have free last minute childcare.

This weekend just gone I could see a perfect storm building - it was 'our' weekend for the boy but we had him the weekend before as ex didn't want him there, so I just knew the two of them had got the weekends muddled in their heads and yes, it turned out the ex knew it was our weekend but OH assumed it wasn't (they are marked on the calendar) because we had him last weekend. OH had several things planned in - a meet up with some mates Sat pm, he wanted to go to the motorbike show locally, he was working [from home] overnight Sat, and he flew to the US on Sunday. Much of this is not entirely compatible with having your son there.

And I knew the assumption was that I would just fill in the gaps. So I arranged to go to my sister's for the weekend. It's not unreasonable, I've not seen her for a while, I didn't have any plans, she is about to go off on a long trip and I wanted to wish her luck with it.

So, OH had to rearrange some things. To be fair, he did. He arranged a sleepover for the boy Sat night and for the ex to have him Sunday after the sleepover. He took the boy with him to the motorbike thing and he made the mate's meet up after dropping the boy at the sleepover, a bit later than originally planned.

Thus the boy had time with his father and I didn't get dragged into their constant lack of planning.

We've had a dreadful few weeks with the boy and, as I said, I work away in the week, so I get tired and in fact I felt I needed the headspace this weekend.

I do have the boy on my own tonight as it's his maths tutor evening and the ex won't allow the tutor to go to hers. This is fine. I'm working at home today as I have something I need to do this afternoon, but am off back to work tomorrow.

So, my advice is 1) remind him why the kid/s come over and 2) make your own plans!

[Reginafalangie]

I don't know why but you calling him the boy all the time really winds me up

I agree with both 1 & 2 of your advice though.

[Melonfool]

Sorry - I've never posted here before and all the acronyms confuse me, I don't know what DS, DH, etc all mean so I can't use them. And if one means 'darling/dear stepson' then I don't feel I can use it as I am always being told he is not my stepson [by him and his mother] as I am not married to his father. So, it's just shorthand for this child that lives with me :)

And his father refers to him as 'the boy' so it's the norm for us.

[Reginafalangie]

no probs it just sounds very detached and cold but given that you don't get on it does make a bit more sense.

[Melonfool]

We get on fine most of the time, he just keeps being told by his mother that he's not allowed to refer to me as his stepmum.
I use it as shorthand but I don't use it to him as I know if he tells his mother she'll tell him off (and then he'll tell me).
Of course he's allowed to call her (also unmarried and been together less time) partner 'stepdad' ;)

[wheresthelight]

melon "the boy" is my partner's nickname for my stepson too!

to be fair to him we did have a very frank discussion after the kids had all gone to bed on Friday and I calmly explained that I am really fed up of the expectation that I will use all my holiday from work to look after his kids. our dd is my priority and it would be nice if I could have a holiday from work to spend with her just the two of us/three of us if he wants to come (she is his) and he did acknowledge that he was out of order.

like your oh's ex my partner's ex is crap at organising and expects holidays to be just plucked out of thin air when she deems to allow the kids to come aka when she is bored of them or her oh refuses to have them in the house. I am anal over having things arranged and organised especially when it involves work and having to be off as I often have to cover important calls at home etc and to minimise this I need to have planned further out than normal. I cannot just snap my fingers and it be done!

I am leaving them to sort the summer out but have told him not to expect me to book time off to look after them as they aren't here to see me

[Melonfool]

I'm dreading the summer actually.

I do contract work and this year my current contract ends on 17th July, which is the end of term. I then have a Russian interpreter staying with us for two weeks, then a Belarusian child staying for two weeks (on a charity scheme) and then we have our 'family' holiday, where we are going to DP's [getting the hang of the acronyms!] family [I have managed to get it so we stay near them, not with them, thank god, they're nice but it all feels too much for me].

But this means I will have 5-6 weeks or so not working and I just know that the conversations will be 'yes, fine, Mel is here' and the mother will be 'well, if Mel is there and I am working I don't see why he can't be at yours', and DP is away with work for quite a bit of this time too. Last week I had to pick him up from school when I was in the middle of work (working at home is actually still work) and it turned out he'd gone back to his mum's so I had to go and get him from there and she was there...which was odd because the reason we had him was because she was working....but no, turns out she had an appointment for a fake tan...

Oh well. Pale is more interesting anyway.