Step parenting/not liking your partners children...

[philly1969]

Hi there,

I am in a 6 month relationship, I have been single for 10 years. I have 2 children of my own a girl nearly 16 and a boy 13.... My partner is a single Dad bringing up a 14 year old boy and an 8 year old girl... he has been on his own with them for 3 years and they only see their Mum every other week after school pick up until they go to school the next morning, and they have to see her seperately because she feels she cant give them equal attention....My partner is sociable and friendly when he meets new people and can hold a good conversation etc.... The children however have no social graces at all!! I took them all to a quiz night locally to me and while we were all (including my partner) have fun and joining in, his 2 were literally glued to mobile phones all night, they didnt join in at all, and if someone spoke to them the 14 year old ignored them and the 8 year old either said a random word or barked like a dog! They are both in my opinion rude to me, and this makes my 2 upset...Dont get me wrong my 2 are not perfect by any means, but they have manners and know how to behave socially! We have been to stay this weekend and the 14 year old was literally glued to his laptop all weekend... we decided to play a board game and unless it was his turn he sat with his laptop on his lap!! the amount of times I asked him to please put it away so we could all be involved in the game and in the end he said it wasnt on, he was just literally sitting with it open staring at a blank screen! The 8 year old has NO table manners at all... in fact neither of them have... but for example.... she wipes her funny nose or sorts out a bogie using her tongue... it makes me feel sick! I am 46 years old and dont like these children!! what am I going to do? I really have fallen in love with this man..... I spoke to him this evening about how I was feeling, and his answer was that one day they will all leave home and we can properly start to enjoy our lives... there are NO plans for us all to live together at this stage, although we both do feel very strongly about each other if there were no children on his side (or like weekend visits etc) we would be living together I am sure! I cant talk to my friends about this, as I have been alone for so long and everyone is so happy for me to be happy.... plus I do not want anyone to judge the realtionship! any advice would be welcome!! :(

[Chippednailvarnish]

The children aren't the problem, your DP is. He sounds like spineless man who hasn't got the backbone to bring his DCs up with good manners or do anything about it.
As for one day they will all leave home and we can properly start to enjoy our lives, assuming the DD moves out on her eighteenth birthday, is he seriously expecting you to wait ten years? He sounds a knob.

[philly1969]

That did make me smile @chippednailvarnish!... I did say to him this evening even when he does reprimand them he almost apologises immediatley! I DO understand he prob feels he has to over compensate for the lack of a mother in their life (she really is useless!) but then I have done it alone for 10 years and I can take my children anywhere! Things like manners and social graces are so important to me, and my Daughter said to me on the drive home today that she never wants to take them out anywhere in case she sees anyone she knows! I wonder if they have something wrong with them? I mean she blimmin barks like a dog!!

[Chippednailvarnish]

I grew up with only one parent, it's not an excuse for anything you have mentioned.

If the children do "have something wrong with them" (which other than attention seeking, I doubt) your DP should have explained beforehand. Seriously your DP is a knob. This would be a huge red flag for me.

[philly1969]

You are right.. thats what I keep thinking... they are what they are and who they are, what right have I got to walk into their lives and suddenly insist that they behave a certain way! I did ask him fairly early on if the 14 year old had some learning difficulties because of the way he is... but he dismissed it as being a "normal" teenager... but I have 2 of my own and they dont behave like that! I do understand there are "grunty" teens on the planet.... but their Dad is nothing like them! Its so weird... we were dating for 3 months before we decided to introuduce the children and I have been trying to give it time and see if I can reach out to them and find some middle ground... then I think I am the adult here!! The quiz night was mostly for the children to be fair... all the other kids there loved it... It was very child friendly etc x

[Chippednailvarnish]

It's worth discussing it, in a non confrontational way as possible, as no one likes having their DCs criticised. But he really sounds like a long term relationship disaster to avoid.

[philly1969]

Thats the problem, its so difficult to say to anyone "I cant bond with your child" or "I simply cant like them" I have tried, but he really cant see it! Its such a shame, as a couple we are fab..... as a family we suck! :(

[Whiskwarrior]

You've been seeing him for 6 months. That barely qualifies as a long-term relationship at this point.

You have called his ex 'useless' when you don't know her and are only getting details about her from him.

You're not a family. You only introduced the kids to each other 3 months ago! It's all a bit rushed and quick tbh.

If you don't like his kids and you can't see that changing then frankly I would cut my losses. You can't be that heavily invested after 6 months.

[MissusThePoint]

You need to forget this bloke OP. His children are a reflection of his own standards. This will never change and if you stay together you will be setting yourself up for years and years of arguments.

And it won't change when they leave home. Just think what your step-children will be like!!

[Chippednailvarnish]

as a couple we are fab..... as a family we suck

Wouldn't it be more accurate to say "as a couple we are OK... as a parent he's crap".
I don't really get why you're not more annoyed. It's not about his children its about his failure as a parent. He's not respecting you by not being willing to see what's in front of him and then offers feeble remedies or excuses. You need to stop thinking in terms of this issue being you v's his Dcs. Its practically all him.

[MissusThePoint]

Meant step grandchildren

[philly1969]

@whiskwarrior.. I have not once called his Ex useless!! I have also not said I consider it to yet be a long term relationship... how can we know if it would work unless we involve the children, neither of us are in a position to have a relationship apart from the children as they are such a massive part of both our lives... I have also never said we are a family, although I guess that would be the ultimate goal.....I think you are being a bit harsh to be honest, I was simply trying to make sense of the way I was feeling! and I know the others that have valuable things to say are right, I just dont want to admit it to myself! :( Being a grown up is rubbish sometimes!! I have been beating myself up about this for weeks, and hoping that I could find a way to connect with them thinking it was my issue and not theirs... after all as you say they are what they have been allowed to be... thank you for helping me to see that it isnt all me and that I am not an evil step witch type person!! Back on the shelf for me! I was actually quite happy on there anyway!! lol.... thank you ladies xx

[Whiskwarrior]

Umm, yes you did call her useless. It's in your post from yesterday at about 11.10.

And yes, you referred to you all as a family. You've even been quoted on it!

If I seem harsh it's because yours is not the first time someone has turned up saying they don't like their step-kids, the ex is useless, etc, etc.

Your boyfriend is useless. Kids are with him full time but lack manners? All on him.

[Reginafalangie]

Blimey your lovely aren't you OP.

You have been with this man 6 months. You know nothing of his ex yet you feel able to judge her as useless

Why of all the activities you could do choose a quiz night? I find them boring as an adult not surprised an 8 yo and 14 yo did too.

End the relationship now. You have already judged his children and because they do not act as your own you have already written them off.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I'm sure you thought a quiz night was a good idea but it maybe wasn't up the kids street so they took to their phones. As for playing board games I'd open it up to the family. If they want to play great otherwise I'd leave them to it. You have clearly been trying to include them and make everyone feel part of the family. But you can't force them and you can't change how they are. I think its more to do with their ages. 14 yr old stuck to their phone I think is normal. An 8 year old acting daft is just that. It's innocent enough.

I do however see where you are coming from. I think you need to speak to dp about the table manners - it's just minging wiping bogies etc and its common courtesy to be polite. You haven't been together that long so I don't think it's really your place to tell everyone what to do and how to act.

Speak to your dp as he is allowing this behaviour. If he doesn't have a problem and sees no error in their ways then your in for a rough ride. Either accept them as they are of leave. Maybe you can all come to some sort of middle ground and if you all end up living together then you both have to set the rules for table manners, a games night whatever it may be.

[AliceAnneB]

It must be really disappointing to realise his kid's manners are so appalling. But please don't fall into the "I can change this" mindset. You can't. You will end up resenting DP and the kids. It's not a nice set up for anyone. This is a pit of folly that many other stepmums before you have fallen into.

It sends all sorts of alarm bells ringing that you were asking his son to put away the laptop and not his father. 6 months in you shouldn't be disciplining his kids. It's just not going to end well. Sorry I know that's not what you wanted to hear. You could just carry on dating but including the kids is going to be a nightmare for everyone. If my DH and I couldn't agree a standard of behaviour for all our kids our marriage wouldn't have worked. We agree it but he implements it with his kids, not me. There's lots of other men out there.

[Duckdeamon]

You are not a family, you've only just met them!

Agree with PPs that you can't blame his DC for behaviour you don't like: your boyfriend's parenting might well be poor.

[Pagwatch]

Your boyfriend sounds like a terrible parent.
I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was a terrible parent.

[Pagwatch]

And you did call their mother useless.

It's not good. Step away.

[Waltermittythesequel]

So because his children don't fit into a little box of what they should be (in your opinion) you don't like them?

Why are they wrong? Maybe they hate quizzes. I hate them!

And at 14, if some stranger had come into my house and told me what to do, I'd be pissed off. If hia dad had wanted him to put the laptop away, he would have told him to. You crossed the line.

I think you sound quite horrible. They're not like your dc so there must be something wrong with them? Fucking hell.

6 months in, the best thing you can do is walk away and don't get involved with anyone else until you learn that people are different and won't fit into the moulds that you think they belong to.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Oh, and he absolutely sounds like a shit dad.

That child is 8. They're weird and sometimes gross at 8! That's why us parents need to, you know, parent them.

[DuncanQuagmire]

" he has to over compensate for the lack of a mother in their life (she really is useless!) "

" useless " ? Really? That's nice.

[lunar1]

Do you know why your partner is the RP. I know this is sexist but there is normally huge reasons why it is the dad and not the mum that is main cater after divorce.

I think it's possible that these children have been through a lot in their short lives. Yes the dad sounds ineffective but you have no idea what they have been through as a family. I think you have to walk away before you end up with six very unhappy people.

[elastamum]

Sorry, but from what you say their father is useless, as he is the one supposed to be doing moist of the parenting and their mother is absent. Not great for the poor DC really. But FWIW if you feel that way about his children the best thing you can do is not try to blend your families together. You need to accept these children for who they are if you are to have any hope of forming a relationship with them, not try to mould them not what you thin they should be.

FWIW I have a 14 year old DS and if I took him to a 'child friendly' quiz night he would just roll his eyes and carry on reading his kindle. BUT if I took him to question time he might perk up and start to get involved. Maybe find out what makes them tick.

[fortunately]

I don't think you sound horrible, but I think you and your partner obviously parent very differently, meaning that in the long term it's not going to work.

Cut your losses before you become more invested.