It's official - I am the wicked stepmother

[MsColouring]

So background: I have 2 dc dd8 and ds5 and one dss aged 8. Me and dp haved lived together a year and a half and were together two years before that. We have dss two nights a week and every other weekend (but only until Sunday morning as Sunday is 'family time' so his mum insists that she has him)

I do love dss but it can be a bit of a battle sometimes. The boundaries at our house are different to those at his mum's and his mum tends to make excuses for him so he can come across as a bit entitled and he thinks he knows it all. He has been prone to a bit of answering back recently (as has my dd but she seems to be able to judge better when to stop)

Normally on Sunday morning we have pancakes for breakfast. We call the kids to the table to wait and dss grabs hold of the golden syrup and keeps it in his place. I explain to dss that it is rude to grab things and he can put it back in the middle and as a consequence he will have it last. This is exactly the same as I would do with my dc.

Then, I said to dp not to watch his sugar on his pancakes (diabetic) and dss says that it is his job, not mine to look out for his dad.

Then the icing on the cake, ds had a small accident last night and we heard dss saying to him that it was a 'wet dream' and not to worry about it. The minute we heard this dp calls him down and speaks to him about it and dss acts the know it all not listening to what his dad was saying, so I lost my temper with him.

Despite me apologising for losing my temper, dss was rude to me on saying goodbye (I gave him a hug and then he 'wiped' himself on his dad.

Then his mum phones dp an hour later complaining about the fact dss is upset about the golden syrup thing as she doesn't see he did anything wrong.

So off to change into my black dress and purple cape and gaze into my magic mirror.

[TheMumsRush]

What has it got to do with mum what goes on in your house? I hope your DP didn't even entertain it.

[ancientbuchanan]

Just rise above it. Many 8 year old boys v painful, our was, trying to divide and rule. Was the wet dream an attempt to be comforting? It might have been, and perhaps he has had them or accidents been explained away.

If you show you don't hold grudges and rise above things, it's much harder for the child to find the buttons to press, even if you do get cross. Sounds to me you are doing fine.

[AGirlCalledBoB]

You don't know what dss went and said to his mum. He probably exaggerated, they can be manipulative especially since it seems you are in his bad books!

I myself would not have called and complained. If my son came home upset I might have called to find out what happened so I know how to deal/say to my son but that's about it.

Just ignore it and carry on doing what you are doing. The only thing I would have done differently is I would not have got involved when your oh and dss were talking. I can see why you did and understand completely but some times it is better to let your oh get on with it and deal with it himself.

[CalicoBlue]

You did not do anything wrong. Your house, different rules. I am sure he was not that upset, just something to complain about and get sympathy.

My DSS is an only child and is used to being number 1, so with my kids he does not get why he should have to share. It can be difficult getting only children to understand the dynamics of a multi sibling family. Is he an only child?

[rootypig]

Grabbing the golden syrup......does it really matter? Making him go last. That's emotionally quite a specific idea in a family. Maybe squash him less on these things and life will be easier for both of you.

[MsColouring]

DSS has been only child until recently when his mum had a baby. Dp won't accept his ex trying to interfere in what happens in our house but it doesn't stop her trying. She's tried telling us we put my dd to bed too late before!

I agree I should have left dp to it when talking about the wet dream thing, I just reacted without thinking of the consequences. I think he was trying to comfort ds, it was his attitude when dp was talking to him that wound me up.

[DragonWithAGirlTattoo]

"Grabbing the golden syrup......does it really matter? Making him go last. That's emotionally quite a specific idea in a family" - those are the family rules, so he follows them too

Your/Dps house, Your/Dps rules!

[rootypig]

Your/Dps house, Your/Dps rules!

Then what is the thread about

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Well, two of those things fall into the 'who gives a shit' camp for me. He was very rude to try and 'wipe off' your hug, though is it possible he was reacting to the fact that it may not have been very enthusiastic?

I don't understand why you were upset that he explained to your ds what had happened with his accident. From what you say he was being kind,. not teasing or trying to humiliate his brother.

And if he's so desperate for golden syrup why not let him use it? It's not like he was going to use an entire bottle. I have never understood why the 'you want this really badly, so now you will be punished' tactic is used. (My neighbour has three dogs, one of them gets very excited about walk time, so my neighbour leaves her going mental in the house and walks her last. I know dogs are different to children but it seems an equally pointless exercise.) Does it really matter if people pick up condiments?

It sounds to me like you were needlessly getting at him, no wonder he was sceptical about your sudden display of affection when he left...

[MsColouring]

Rootypig - the point of this thread was to vent about the situation.

Grabbing something from the middle of the table and keeping it next to you so you can have it first is, in our household, considered bad table manners.

Gatorade, I think you have misunderstood. I did not get cross about dss saying it was a 'wet dream', he was not being unkind and meant no harm by it. It was inappropriate but he did not know this. My reaction was to him acting the 'know it all' when his dad was trying to explain why it wasn't the right think to say and refusing to listen.

[rootypig]

Ah ok OP. Well next time you just want people to nod along and clap, do say so.

[18yearstooold]

The golden syrup thing would wind me up too but working with a class of 7&8 year olds they pretty much all do it why they have to have the shared rubber in their hand is beyond me

Making him put it back in the middle until it's his turn is appropriate, making him take his turn last depends on who's turn it is to go last

[MsColouring]

Just restrained myself from posting a sarcastic response.

[Quesera21]

A bit of over reaction.

None of Exs business what goes on in your house.

But:
he grabbed the golden syrup - so you punished him, humiliated him in front of all the family - instead of just saying put it back and wait your turn - over kill.In my house that would have been a "do not snatch, put it back" and carry on - not really punishment time - bigger things to fight over.

He is protective of his Dad - and it got your nose out of joint!

You interfered and lost your temper when he had been trying to be nice to your son, context of words might have been wrong but no malicious intent. His him being nice got him yelled at.

You apologised - too late. He is 8 yrs old it means nothing.

He is having to learn how to share - has a new sibling in his main home - small amount of insecurity in the kid.

I think you over reacted - bigger arguments to be had over more important things but then you do not like his values as you stated already. I think you are going to have a torrid 10 yrs if you do not find a way to relax and fin a happy medium.

[rootypig]

Post your sarcastic response, Ms. Get it out. You sound wound up and on the warpath and your chosen adversary is an 8 year old boy.

[AliceAnneB]

Being a stepmum is really hard work. You enforced your family rules. You lost your cool - everyone does. It's frustrating as all get out having bio mum stick her nose in.

Stop goading the OP pig. You're being unpleasant for no good reason.

[Coyoacan]

You do sound a little OTT strict, OP. At least your own children are used to it, but it must be hard for someone who only parachutes in a couple of days a week. Could you not relax your rules a bit for everyone without chaos descending?

[rootypig]

When I first posted it was in constructive terms. Admittedly the OP thinking that everyone should just pat her on the back irritated me. I'm not posting for no reason. I'm posting in defence of her DSS, however grandiose that sounds.

The thing about having such rigorous boundaries, and punishments that are based on hierarchy and need, is that they damage children, and they damage relationships. And step mother or not, I (and as I understand it, other posters) want the OP to take a moment to consider that.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

I think the issue is that the OP applied the same parenting to her Dss as she would with her own DCs.

Whether or not other people on this thread agree with the way she parents is one thing, but the "step" issue here is whether she and her DP should parent the non-resident child differently from the resident children.

Based on the experiences that are regularly posted on this forum, I think it can be very damaging to the DC for the NRP to treat the non-resident child as an "equal" in the family. IMO, treating a NRChild in the same way as their resident step/half siblings is only successful if the nonresident parent (usually the mother) is supportive.
If the DCs mum isn't supportive of the non-resident parent as an equal, then the child is inevitably subjected to hostility between their parents and experiences emotional conflict. I think it's better for the NRP to maintain a superficial, non-parenting role in situations where the RP objects to the child being integrated into the NRFamily in terms of chores, discipline etc. the NR child needs to have the status of "guest" or "visitor" in order to prevent feelings of conflict and disloyalty to their otherwise hostile RP.

But, I do realise that will cause significant problems in the NRP family if there are resident children. Sadly, I don't think it's possible to meet the needs of both "sets" of DCs in that scenario. Either, the NR child will grow up torn between their parents, or the Resident DCs will grow up experiencing double standards and resentment. There is no solution that all DCs benefit from.

[MsColouring]

Rooty - I don't understand your issue. You asked the point of the thread. I gave it. Are step parents not OK to vent in step-parenting without it being turned into aibu. I was not looking for a pat on the back, maybe a bit of understanding from other people with similar frustrations.

[rootypig]

OP, if you posted about the same scenario with your own DC, I would say the same thing - relax, step back, and everything will be easier in the long run. Sure, you can vent. But when so many people are saying the same thing to you, you might give it some thought. For your own sake! My advice (if you read my first post) was well meaning.

[AliceAnneB]

Honestly I don't see DSS as needing defending from a woman who clearly cares for him and bothered to write a post about it. She is struggling as all parents do. But I do appreciate you clarifying pig.

I understand his tone of voice drove you over the age OP - disrespect is a huge hot button. As someone suggested above I'd make DP deal with it. Even 4 years along for us my DH is always the heavy with his kids. If something bothers me I wait and talk to him about it later then he will be the one to act on it the next time it happens. It alleviates the tension between me and the skids. I only put my foot down when I really really have to and he's not there.

The wiping the hug would not have flown in this house. I would never force the kids to hug me. If they're angry then that's fine we don't have to hug. But anything that smacks of disrespect is a no. We don't punish much but we sure do talk about feelings a whole damn lot! I honestly think they behave sometimes just to not have to endure "talking about it". DH is the type of man who when asked the time tells you how the watch was made! I think it works as a natural deterrent!

[Catnap26]

Just want to give my perspective as a a DSD to many DSMs in my life. I think you were ott on the golden syrup issue and maybe take a little step back to setting the rules when it comes to dss and leaving them to your dp. If something irritates you let it go and discuss it with do when dss isn't there.if dss does something that is unacceptable or not allowed in your home leave it to dp to sort out.

[rootypig]

people usually call me rooty

OP I'm sure you're sick of me by now, but this further thought has occurred - if you hadn't got angry about the golden syrup, just decided it didn't matter, I think you would have been able to better control your temper in the second incident, which you agree you would have better kept out of. This is what I'm trying to get at about anger, and power battles. It can only ever escalate. Of course there need to be boundaries that you're happy with, and DSS's mother should respect them. But at 8, a child behaves like the way others make him feel. Make him feel he can do no right, and he'll prove you right and then some.

[AliceAnneB]

Sorry - rooty it is!