Anyone else counting the minutes

[kittensinmydinner]

I have 70 minutes to go before I can deliver the dsc home. They have been with us for a week. Dh did half I have been on duty since Wednesday.. They have had days out in London, swimming, dry skiing , bowling and ice skating. All 4 are teenagers and all four do nothing but bash seven bells out of each other unless they are being 'amused' none of them can amuse themselves even for 5 minutes without hitting/pinching/punching each other... I am on my knees and exhausted. They have always been like this, I just hoped that they would grow out of it but in 8 yrs it's only got worse.! One of the dsc seems to actually HATE two of his siblings. This is not helped by having 3 teenage DCs myself who have NEVER laid a finger on each other (which I know is unusual & I am really lucky) but makes this nonsense so much harder to cope with as I am out of my depth. Any suggestions ? It can just about bear it for weekend contact but there behaviour like this over a week (and God preserve me two straight weeks in the summer followed by another week late summer, makes me want to leave the country.... They are a bit old for the naughty step ! Any suggestions welcome. Dh just shouts at them to behave when he's here. I have tried to talk calmly to them individually and ask why they do it. The answer seems to be that they have short tempers and feel justified in physical violence to one another as the victim 'deserves' it. .. Another ten minutes wasted on MN, now only 59 minutes to go before a we can leave and 2 hrs closer to a calm home and a LARGE VODKA TONIC .

[WestEast]

Why hasn't your DH spoken to them rationally, calmly and addressed their behaviour? Rather than just shouting at them.

[kittensinmydinner]

Apparently she just ignores it.....and as I am typing this one has just slapped the other across the face FFS !!!!!! I have sent that one to sit in the car until we go aarghhhhh??

[Wdigin2this]

For goodness sake, how the hell have you lived with that for a week? I have 3 nephews all under 14, who generally get on reasonably well, but they have meltdowns where they thump, kick and punch each other. If they're with me and it happens, I just scream STOP over the row, and tell them they will go home RIGHT NOW if they don't behave, usually works! Of course you can't do that, but you can tell your DH, that you are not prepared to subject yourself and your DC to such violent mayhem, so if they can't be controlled next time they visit, you'll take yourself and DC off somewhere else....really, you have to be that brutal about it or you'll be crawling up the walls and pulling your hair out after a fortnight!

[kittensinmydinner]

wdgin2this thank you for the empathy, it really does help to feel there are others out there who understand how it feels. I am at my wits end with it and has really started affecting my relationship with them as I just don't want to be near them, individually they are each lovely and loving to me and DH but together God help us. There were 6 dsc in total but this behaviour drove the eldest to move in with us as soon as they were 16. Losing their eldest siblings because of their behaviour didn't change a thing behaviour wise...they just carried on without skipping a beat. when the remaining dsc come over for contact the other 5 (my 3 and Dh 2) just make sure they are not around/staying with friends/herding sheep basically anything not to spend time with the younger dsc. The older ones absolutely refuse to spend any family time together when they are with us. Which is really sad but I completely understand why. No one wants to be with shouting screaming pinching biting physical violence. Since dcs 'jumped ship ' to live with us a year ago, the already highly combative relationship between my DH and their DM has deteriorated further (as though that were possible) meaning a collaborative approach between parents is unthinkable sadly. It seems that we have two families now. Dh, me and 5 13-20 yr old who are an almost perpetual delight to have around, go out with, spend time with... And the others ,who we parent because we have no choice but to parent , or they will kill each other... But are not a delight, the rest of the family avoids and quite frankly are becoming a pain in the ass.

[Wdigin2this]

Am I getting this straight, you have 3 DC of your own...of what age, and DH has 6 DC? Wow, if I've got that right, you certainly took on a big task! So, 2 eldest DSC moved in with you meaning you now have 5 children living in your home, and EW you have the other 3, who constantly bash hell out of each other, to stay plus periodically for weeks at a time...phew!!! Well, I'm not surprised the others make themselves scarce when the 3 warriors arrive! But none of it is fair or acceptable is it? Despite the fact that they behave like this in their DM's home, you and DH shouldn't allow it. I would totally disregard what the EX does or says, ignore her, make your own rules for your own home, insist DH is on fully board with you, sit them down and make it absolutely clear that violent or unacceptable behaviour from any one of them will result in virtual lockdown...no treats, trips, fun...nothing! Don't engage in any backchat...'he started it, she said this/that, he hit me first etc', cut them off and state clearly you're not interested in the whys & wherefore's, you will only relent when all 3 can show reasonable behaviour!!
I'm no behavioural expert, but this is what I did when my own DC started warring, at one point they were fighting on the floor and I just said 'let me know when you're finished' stepped over them and went and sat in the garden...it worked in the end!!

[mrssnodge]

I wouldnt put up with this at all. I also have 3 dc of my own, (only one left at home now) and only one DSD- She comes EW, but DP deals with her,shes 16 - I sometimes join them in outings,and I do clean up & cook for her etc, but Dp does the 'parenting' , I do the 'friend' bit only.
Sounds like your at the end of your tether, please sit DH down and explain you will support him but he has to step up and give you a break. I cant understand why all of them have to come at the same time, and surely the older ones would prefer to do their own thing, and visit when they can/want to, rather than EW & half of the holidays- arent the older ones at college/working etc?
Do you ever get a break on your own without any of the DC? Im guessing they live a distannce away,as you are saying that you have to leave at a certain time, I would be getting DH to take them home as soon as they start acting up!!! does their DM ever collect/drop off, is it always you_ you do realise most other women would not put up with this torture- this is not a nice way to live, you deserve much more!