Step Child Coming To Live With Us...Help!

[Gingergoddess]

So, as the title suggests, my step daughter is coming to live with us, we collect her on Saturday.

To cut a very long story short.....my partner (soon to be husband) and i have been together for 4 years, he has a daughter aged 10 with his ex....she has never lived with us but we have maintained a good relationship with her throughout these last four years and have had regular access.

The mother has recently been found to be an alcoholic and almost died last week due to liver and kidney failure (we seriously did not know any of this was going on). Her recovery is going to be very long and we have taken the tough decision to remove her from her mothers care for her own safety for the foreseeable future, the mother is not fighting us on this and the child is aware that she will be coming to live with us.

Apart from the massive change this is going to bring to our lifestyle i am concerned about the impact this is all having on the child. We have this morning found out that she believes that her mothers actions are due to her being stressed about caring for her and so feels this has all been her fault, which clearly it is not.

I wonder if anyone has any ideas as to how we can repair this partially broken child, i want to do only what is best for her....

[lunar1]

How much of the rest of her life will have to change? Will she still be at the same school? I think it would be good if you can keep as much consistency as possible.

Keep reminding heritage not her fault, she won't believe you for a long time but it's important to say anyway. Remember children hear everything, if you have any stresses you need to vent, never do it when she could possibly hear.

How many nights does she normally stay with you? Does she already have a room set up?

[lunar1]

Reminding her, not heritage. Not quite sure where auto correct got that one!!

[Gingergoddess]

She will be going to the same school as she lives a stones throw from us when at her normal home and will also i be going to the same childminder as she always has done for an hour after school each day (i am hoping to change my hours at work to minimise how long she has to be away from home) as she enjoys being there and we felt that would add to teh consistency of trying to remain as 'normal' as possible.

She didn't have a room, but I have set one up for over this weekend, so she has her won space etc. I bought new bedding and 'things' to try and make her feel at home....she has never stayed with us (much to our disappointment) her mother seemed to have drummed into her that there was something scary about staying with us so she never wanted to and we didn't want to stress her by forcing it....in fact she would stay anywhere else rather than with us???

[lunar1]

That's really good that she can keep all her friends. Can your dp take some time off to settle her in. You are doing a lovely thing for your step daughter, your dh is fulfilling his responsibilities as her dad. I would make sure it's not you doing all the organising, changing your life etc. you don't want to end up being the parent while your your dp gets to be a Disney dad.

[feetheart]

How much will she be bringing with her? Clothes, duvet covers, toys, books, games, etc All the usual tat that a 10yr old can muster? Be prepared for that!
Also it might be a nice idea to take her shopping for some things for her new room and maybe get her talking about how she would like it decorated. You don't have to do it just yet as you will all have a lot on your plate but start the ball rolling with her so she can start thinking about it. It might help her feel more secure if you are talking about the move being long term.

Talk to Al-Anon and any other alcohol/drug support charity to see what they have for children (I know Al-Anon do a teens group but she may be too young) She will need a lot of support and, almost certainly, counselling to help her.

Good luck to you all.

[Gingergoddess]

My DP (had to look up the acronyms, i was getting confused lol) is going to be doing the mornings as i will have to start work at 7.45 if they agree to change my hours, so that means he will have to take care of breakfast, getting dressed, doing hair and dropping to school. I have made it quite clear that i won't be doing everything and that he will need to pull his weight, being teh sort of person he is he has asked that if i don't think he is doing enough that i tell him because he probably won't realise...i have said that i surely will when she's out of earshot.

With regards to what she is bring with her....until we get into the house, which will probably be next weekend, we don't know what she has or doesn't have. Clothes are things are likely to need replacing, as is school uniform. Regards her personal belongings, again there are many things she seems to have 'lost' which i suspect are more likely to have been sold, such as her laptop, tablet etc.

Good idea about buying some new bits for her room etc, i think she will enjoy that.

We are going to accompany her to school on Monday morning and speak with the teacher etc to explain what has happened over the holidays. i understand that there may be some access to counselling through them which i think is better started sooner rather than later under the circumstances.

Thanks for the advice ladies, it really is much appreciated

[JeffTheGodOfBiscuits]

Good for you. I hope dsd settles quickly. I agree with pp who said about your dp maybe taking some time off to help her settle. Listen very carefully to what dsd says and doesn't say to try to ascertain what she needs to help her settle. She will be very sad about leaving her mum especially if she has taken on the burden of guilt and responsibility for her mum's illness. She may also feel relieved which will make her feelings of guilt worse. Smother her with love, set consistent boundaries and reassure her as much as you can. Good luck.

[Gingergoddess]

Do you think its wise sending her straight back to school? We thought that would be best as it would be the most normal thing to happen?

[Maroonie]

I think your right about her going straight to school, keeps things as close to 'normal' as you can. As long as the school are aware they can help if she's finding things difficult. Time off could build up anxiety about the first day she goes back and a constant like school might be reassuring when so much has changed.

[auntpetunia]

Rather than wait till Monday I would access the school website and send an email to the head or admin depending in which email is on line,. People in primary are in over the holidays a ceasing emails etc and this will open up the lines of communication before the caos of first morning back, this way you may be able to organise a proper appointment to see the relevant people, they may suggest you speak to the child protection officer as way to ensure you get access to the best people for your step daughter, don't think the Child Protection person is there to check you out they are often the person who knows all the agencies and can rush support through in situations like this. Has your step daughter got a social worker involved? If so then they can speak to school as well.

You sound lovely and your step daughter is a lucky little girl

[auntpetunia]

God stupid phone accessing not a ceasing!!

[binspin]

You sound fantastic op.
I hope it all goes well.

[Gingergoddess]

I emailed school last week on the off chance someone might be checking emails, as yet no call though?

We do want to get social service involved as a resource more than anything, we don't want to stop the little 'un from seeing her mother but we do think it is wise for them to be involved to some extent as a way of maybe advising us, getting help for the little 'un and also some help for the mother once she is fit enough to take back parenting responsibilities. Not that we will be handing her back lightly you understand...

I think that it's important for her to maintain a relationship with her mother, but there will be rules and boundaries for quite some time yet i think

[Gingergoddess]

Thank you BinSpin...me too :0)

[NeedABumChange]

I think it would be good to go on a shopping trip so she can personalise her new room. Obviously she might just want all her old stuff but let her choose. Do be careful not to go overboard though, if she's not used to loads and you go mad buying stuff it might make her feel bad.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

Poor little mite. If you're in England or Wales, then you may might want to look into the possiblity of the school leading on what is known as a CAF (Common Assessment Framework) which leads to what is known as a TAF (Team Around the Family). This is an "early intervention" process, and allows families to receive and access support without the involvment of the Social Services Dept.

The CAF and TAF steps are part of the Safeguarding framework and will provide your family, including your DSD, with access to additional support, such as counselling, or support during contact with her Mum, for instance..
I suggest that you make the school aware that your DSD has never spent any time living in your home as a member of the family - that may be something that they will assume has been happening and therefore won't necessarily pick up on the additional stress and anxiety that this will cause your DSD. The guilt/blame that she is placing on herself is also something that it would be best to bring to the attention of the school.

I suggest you ask to speak to the Headteacher and/or safeguarding lead as soon as possible at the school to ensure that they get the ball rolling straight away.

[auntpetunia]

You can always phone social services yourself and ask for their help you don't need someone to do not for you Where is mum now? Is she in hospital or home ? Where is dsd now are they being cared for

[Wdigin2this]

Ginger, I take my hat off to you, this poor little girl is going to need all the love and careful looking after she can get. However, as she has never stayed at yours in the past, it will be a bit of an upheaval for her, and given the circs of her leaving her mum's home don't be too surprised/distressed if there are some unexplainable tantrums, melt downs or just plain unacceptable behaviour! She has to learn a whole new lifestyle, but so have you and however fond you are of her, you probably won't feel that unconditional love her father does....so go easy on yourself, and give yourself a break from the situation as and when you need it! Good luck!

[Fooso]

My 2 DSDs came to live with me and DP almost 4 years ago now. Their mother also was an alcoholic and is now in a home. It has been tough for them (new schools etc) but they are happy, cared for girls now. They feel secure and know that they have a better life with us even though they miss their mum x good luck. We've never looked back

[Gingergoddess]

Auntpetunia - the mother is being released from hospital today and is being collected by her dad and taken back to Great Yarmouth for her recovery period there. my dsd is already in Yarmouth as she has been there since it all kicked off on the first day of school holidays, she is being looked after by her grandparents and we speak to her everyday (as well as speaking to her grandad, grandmother won't talk to us), we will however be collecting her on Saturday. We will be contacting social services ourselves i think, at least thats how my DP wants to play it...i'm kind of letting him take the lead on that side of things for now and jumping in if i think i need to.

Wdigin2this - i fully expect there to be tantrums, on the odd occasion she has stayed with us (and i';m talking maybe 3 times in fours years) its been absolutely horrific, goodness only knows what her mothers has been saying??? I do fear about the love thing, whilst i am very fond of her i don't 'feel' like i love her, makes me feel awful saying that but i don't know how else to put it...

[Fooso]

I would say that her dad will become even more important to her than ever - so be prepared for that! She will feel very insecure and will look to him for everything... This can be hard for the partner and takes some getting used to.

[Gingergoddess]

Fooso - i think he will find that incredibly difficult, in his mind he thinks she will cling to me as we have always had a good relationship...i'm with you though, i think it's going to be him she wants and i don't think he's prepared for that, though i do keep reminding him.....he's looking at me like i know all the answers, which i don't, i think he thinks that because my mum died when i was 7 i should know it all, doesn't work that way though i'm afraid...

[Zadkiel]

Don't worry that you don't feel like you love her. You have come across as thoughtful, lovely and caring about her, and if you have a good relationship and she tends to come to you, then she is feeling that too.

It takes many years in my experience to build a relationship with a step child, and it's a love that grows with time too.

It's also a very different love to that with your own child. The love for your own child is instant and just there when they are born and before. It's biology.

It sounds like you have built a good bond with her, so please don't worry about whether you love her, it comes.

You sound lovely and she is really lucky to have you.

[Gingergoddess]

Zadkiel - thank you, that's kind of you to say so....i feel a lot stronger about it all than i did last weekend i can tell you...i had my little panic and have now set about the practical stuff and trying to make the very best of what is a truly awful situation for her, i'm just afraid of making mistakes, but i suppose we will all make those over the next few months and they will be more learning curves than mistakes i guess?

[drspouse]

You might also get some helpful advice from foster carers or adopters. Children who come into a family through fostering or adoption have often had just such a background (drug/alcohol abuse, household disruption, neglect, home things sold/"lost") and they may have tips on behaviour as well as on how to work with social services.

Good luck, too.