To be saddened by what my 5 YO SD told me when I picked her up this morning

[Peppapigsbitch]

We picked DSD up on the friday afternoon that the schools broke up. We had her all of the way through to Monday afternoon then we drove her back to her mums (they moved 60 miles away about 1.5 years ago - her mum refuses to pick her up or drop her off unless we pay her petrol money to do so) everything regarding DSD is done via mutual agreement - no CSA, no courts etc. I dont nessecarily agree with the way that everything is on DH's ex's terms but it hasn't really got anything to do with me so I've never gotten involved before. I figured that DSD seemed happy enough and that was all that mattered.

I picked her up again this morning (we will have her until Sunday evening) DPs ex rang and said that we could have her. She got into the car no problems said bye to mum etc, I did think she was a bit quieter than usual but thought she was maybe tired. About 10 minutes into the drive home she absolutely broke down into sobbing, upset tears "I heard mummy say I'm a bad girl and that she doesn't want me so she's sending me to my daddy's house, mummy doesn't want me anymore." Don't get me wrong she can be very challenging at times aren't all five year olds but I'm upset for her.

Her parents split up when she was a tiny baby - she's been passed from pillar to post since then, before they moved from our area (they were only 6 miles down the road) we had her 4/5 nights per week and then she would often stay at her grandparents or aunties for the remainder of the week. I always worried whether it would do her any harm but felt it wasn't my place to say anything.

Back to the car, I pulled in and tried to reassure her that mummy was just mad and that when people are mad they say things that they really don't mean and that mummy loves her to bits etc.

She doesn't seem to see DSD a great deal but she calls the shots re arrangements. We have her every weekend and suggested to her that we could maybe have her EOW which meant that they would get some quality time together too but she said that she had "things to do" on a weekend. This can't be right

[TywysogesGymraeg]

Well, lots of parents don't see their children all that much - the "posh", and people who work long hours, or travel for work are two groups that spring to mind.

However, to tell a child that they're being sent away becuase they're "bad" isn't very nice IMO.

I would be sympathetic, but I would avoid saying things like "mummy loves you to bits" - just in case it's not true.

[Peppapigsbitch]

DSDs DM fits into neither of those categories, she doesn't work.

Yes perhaps but I didn't really know what to say

[jonicomelately]

That's so sad and I would probably have said exactly the same thing to your dsd about her mum. I don't think there's a right or wrong thing you can say when put in a position like that.

[Peppapigsbitch]

I just felt so shit for her. Does a child really deserve that?

[Gottagetmoving]

What does your DH say about it? He should be speaking to his ex about all of this.

[Jessica2point0]

I honestly wouldn't get in to "mummy loves you to bits" with her - not least because you don't know if that's true. Tell her you and daddy love her to bits and always want her. You could tell her "sometimes people say things they don't mean when they're angry", but her mum did mean it - she did send her away to her dad's. It is very sad for her, but at least she's got you and your DH.

[Want2bSupermum]

Oh that has to be very hard. I hope there are other step parents on here who can comment.

As a parent I sometimes struggle with my DD when DH is away all week. She is 3 and very challenging at times. I think you said the right thing. I am very sure her mother loves her and that should never be disputed.

I would def speak to your OH and he should be speaking to his ex about it as he should be talking to his Dd about her behaviour before she returns home.

[TywysogesGymraeg]

mno - a child doesn't deserve it. It's horrible. Do you know what the background was? Had she been particularlyl naughty that day (not that that excuses it).

Is there an opportunity for you and DH to take on DSD full time?

[WorraLiberty]

It sounds like she 'snapped' for whatever reason. She may well have spend half an hour apologising profusely for it. Of course it's not ideal but I guess it happens.

However, the bulk of your post seems to infer that she spends too much time with her Dad.

Why do you feel that way? Does your DH leave the majority of childcare down to you?

[exmrs]

Surely if it seems her mother isn't interested in her then why are you suggesting cutting down her dads time with her and sending her to someone who 'palms her off' every other weekend?

[Crossfitmyarse]

Well if you really believe that the mother is happy to spend weeks at time barely seeing her child for more than a night or two at most, then why don't you and your DH ask her mother if you can be the Resident Parents? If she's quite happy to see her as little as you say then she'll probably be quite happy to do it.

If not, then perhaps you've just got the wrong end of the stick and DSD has been playing up and they've had a bit of a spat. Perhaps DSD said 'I hate you and I'm going to live with my daddy because he lets me do what I want' and her mother said 'Ok then, if that's what you want, why don't you ask him.'

And in a 5 year old's mind that translates as 'Mummy told me she doesn't want me. '

All normal. Nothing to see here.

[Fauxlivia]

If she's speaking to her child like this then she shouldn't have custody imo. If I was the dad I would be seeking residency via the court. Bad idea to have no legal arrangements - it puts you at the mercy of the other parent's whims

[TiredButFine]

one of my family said the same, at that age -daddy dosn't like me and he said I can't come round anymore, he said I'm bad. It's utterly heartbreaking. After being brought up by parents who would literally fight on the doorstep and use me against each other, I think you did the right thing - a smug "well WE love you" is point scoring. I think you did the right thing. For whatever reason her mum isn't very involved in bringing her up, can you speak to mum's relatives/parents? The best thing you can do, and DP, is be there for her, be stable and constant.

[Peppapigsbitch]

tired thats exactly why i didnt say oh well WE love you and we WANT you because thats all it is, point scoring!! weve asked in the past if we cqn be resident parents but for whatever reason DSDs mum refuses and takes it as a huge insult. i had an awful time growing up due to rowing parents and a truly wicked step mum!!

we said EOW because we felt that it would benefit DSD as she said she missed her mum a lot etc. i find it hard to believe that a mother wouldnt love her child to bits

[Favouritethings]

Of course you reassure the child their mother loves them!! You absolutely said the right thing. All parents say things in anger at one stage or another which they don't mean. I'm amazed people on here are suggesting that in case the mother does not love her!!

[Favouritethings]

suggesting that you shouldn't have said that

[OfaFrenchMind]

You did the right thing, even in doubt, a child needs to know they are loved.
You seem like a very good step-mother btw.

[CornChips]

She is five years old though.... could it be that mummy has never said anything like this, and she is being a 5 year old and extrapolating, or is having a wibble? I ask because my 4 and a half year old DS (who is waiting for an ASD assessment to be fair) has started saying that 'mummy hates me' or 'daddy doesn't love me' when neither of those things are remotely true. DH works away most of the month, so in DS's brain he is interpreting this as daddy not loving him. When I get firm or stern or deny him something he retaliates by saying I hate him. It is not true, it is how he is processing things. Maybe your DSD interprets the access arrangements as 'mummy doesn't want me'.

[wannaBe]

I would suggest that your dh speaks to his ex about this, although tread carefully, because if it's true the mother may well take it out on the daughter and she may feel she can't confide in you in future.

And I don't see what's wrong with suggesting eow if the dsd misses her mum - if this was a mum suggesting her xh should have his child eow so he got to spend more time with her everyone would agree, and suggest he was a sub standard parent for refusing, but because it's the other way around the father is trying to palm his child off on the mother? I don't think so.

I do agree however that if the mother is seeing very little of her child then your xh should go through the courts to gain primary residency. And again, if the xh was sending the child here there and everywhere during his access time (which was less than the mother's) people would be suggesting that his access time is for him to be with his child, and that if he couldn't the child should be with the mother.

[dancestomyowntune]

I'm going to try and give a different perspective on this. My parents split when I was 10. My mum moved out, my dad was the resident parent. My mum had found someone else and they moved to another town (8-10 miles away). I spent every other weekend at my mums and a night during the week because I danced in the town she moved to and it just made more sense.

After a year of this arrangement my dad found he couldn't cope financially and take care of us (me and my brother) so asked my mum to move back and he would move out and go back to full time lorry driving (something he couldn't do as the resident parent).

I, at 11 years old, was devastated. I wasn't rational enough at that age to understand why my dad was doing it. I just thought he didn't want us any more. I thought my mum didn't love us enough to keep the family together (my dad had begged he to come back in the beginning, I knew this), and my daddy leaving me now.

As an adult I can see he did his best, but he had the bailiffs on the door, he was behind with the rent and he couldn't earn the money he needed and take care of us. My parents did what they thought was the best for all involved, and actually most of the time they put their differences aside for the sake of Myself and my brother . They even holidayed together a few times, and were present at each other's subsequent weddings. They became friends.

When my dad died my mum was the rock that helped us, and our half sister, to arrange the funeral. And she was just as upset as we were at the loss of him.

As a child though, I was inconsolable. Even though dad explained it, and mum never stopped us seeing him. It was the first time I felt let down by my super hero, my daddy.

Perhaps your dh needs to discuss this with his ex. I'm sure she'd be heartbroken if she knew her words had upset her dd, but it might be that she has apologised and your dsd has taken it to heart like children do.

[waithorse]

I'd report your post and ask for this to be moved to step parents.

Poor girl.

[Blueskybrightstar]

Ahh that's awful. Is there any way she could move permanently to live with you both?

[Peppapigsbitch]

We've pushed for residency but I don't think we have a leg to stand on. Her mum isn't any sort of addict etc she's just very lax and not particularly attentive. I know that she struggles with her behaviour, we do too, but surely that's all part and parcel of being a parent. She would be financially worse off if we had residency of DSD. she gets CB, £70 p/w maintenance off us, housing benefit and child tax credits etc - I think we all know that this is her main incentive for being resident parent.

[momieplum]

It sounds like you have some negative feelings about you dsd's mother? If that is right I hope dsd doesn't pick up on this?

I think you should relay the conversation to dsd's mother, in a very straightforward and as supportive way as possible (like "I am sure you didn't mean this but what she said was......[ ]... shall I get her so that you can reassure her?..."), as it would give her mother a chance to explain what had happened, and also mean she could speak to dsd to reassure her.

I am not in a similar situation, thankfully, but if I split from my husband and this situation arose I would be very grateful to be given a chance to reassure dc if they were upset or needing attention. It is best for the child that a good relationship exists with everyone, and everyone gets on.

[Clawdy]

You certainly said the right thing - how can it ever be wrong to tell someone, especially a child, that their mother loves them?