Decision on having another child together based on SD

[Bamboo4321]

To keep the story short I have been step parent to a 10 yr old SD for a couple of years (lives with mother, visits every other w/e) and it has been challenging on and off. On the whole she is a nice kid - the main issue has been the way my husband has so often excluded me from things, prioritised his ex and child over me, never discusses things like school holidays before he makes his own arrangements for SD to stay and generally doesnt behave like we are a team. I have raised this with him many times but he behaves quite irrationally if I say the wrong thing or try to be honest about how I feel.

We now have our own baby and a few days ago I raised the subject of having another child together, which is something important to me. He basically turned the conversation into being entirely about his 10 yr old and told me he would not have any more children with me as I had not been nice enough to his daughter, who was due to visit the next day. At this point everything had been fine between us all - she had been for dinner a few days earlier and there was no issue. When I challenged him on what he had said he started telling me this was typical that I was 'kicking off' when his daughter was due to arrive. The thing was that we hadn't been talking about his child and the conversation about our decision to have another child together did not need to be made all about her. Of course, having been told that any decision about our family had apparently been made by him solely based on his daughter rather than us, our finances or indeed what might be in the best interest of our younger child I was left feeling slightly resentful.

Anyway, sd visited and it was hard but fine (I had to keep reminding myself that she has nothing to do with this) but I just don't know what to do going forward. Does oh really have the right to make decisions which affect both of us like this? He is older than me and I wonder whether he is using SD as a scapegoat because he doesn't want to tell me straight up that he doesn't want more children. Either way, things like this make my relationship with SD even more challenging.

[OhMjh]

A partnership should be two people leaking decisions together, yes. He ones about his step daughter are obviously more his initiative but they still need to be run through and discussed with you before being set in stone, especially when they concern your life together.

OP, I'm sorry to say this but your husband sounds like an arse and a coward who is hiding behind his DD instead of communicating properly.

[CocaKoala]

told me he would not have any more children with me as I had not been nice enough to his daughter

How utterly ridiculous an excuse - and that's what it is. It sounds like he isn't keen about having another child and is using his DD as the reasoning instead of actually being honest with you.

Also how nice enough is nice enough? When he decides??

His response sounds like that of a 10 year olds too when they refuse to play with a friend who they've had a disagreement with.

[lunar1]

Could he meant you have changed towards his daughter since your baby arrived?

[yellowdaisies]

I wonder whether you just happened to pick a bad time for the conversation? Does your DH miss DSD when he's not seen her for a while, and maybe feel a bit guilty that he's seen so much more of the younger one? Or feel anxious about her arrival? The comment about you "kicking off" when she was about to arrive was rude, but suggests that maybe he wasn't in the right frame of mind to discuss the issue at that time. How old is your little one? Maybe what your DH was (rather clumsily) trying to say was that he thinks you all need a bit longer to get used to the "feel" of the new family with a part time DD before he thinks about adding a new child to the mix?

[freshstart4us]

Bamboo I strongly relate to your issue. My DH has a now 17 yo DS, and after we had our own DD, DH decided he had one of each, and didn't need/want any more kids, completely regardless of the fact that we had specifically agreed to have 2 together before we even got married. We had more than 2 years of horrendous fights, and I almost ended the marriage, as I felt completely betrayed and disregarded. He eventually changed his mind, agreed to have another and we are back on track.

We still argue frequently about stuff relating to DSS, who now also lives with us. It is very, very difficult. From what you say I could guess that your DH, like mine, has no perspective whatsoever when it comes to his DD. Unfortunately I expect that is unlikely to change for either of us. Just do the best you can, you will have good days and bad days. And if you really want another child, I can only hope that in time he will give your needs the consideration they deserve.

[sliceofsoup]

Your husbands treatment of you isn't very nice is it. But conveniently, if you should pull him up on it I expect you will be labelled as the wicked step mother, regardless of whether it is about DSD or not.

DH and I would like another child together, but as I am DD1s primary carer, and financial support from her dad is minimal, I feel like all of us would be disadvantaged by having another. I also worry about the sibling dynamic moving from 1 and 1 to 2 and 1. If these were your DHs concerns then I could somewhat sympathise, but from your post I don't get that feeling. In any case, his communication needs to improve.

[Quesera21]

freshstart - "we had specifically agreed to have 2 children" "i felt totally disregarded", "we are now back on track - after he gave in"

Holy cow, is someone allowed to change their mind. Agreeing something at the start of a marriage and having one side hold it over the other like the sword of damocles is not a great relationship.

People, grow, change their mind, realise that something is not right for them. in your scenario - life is now OK, because you got your own way - done finished and sorted. YOu come across as having brow beaten your OH , I hope you do not live to regret it.

[DontDrinkandFacebook]

Why does it have to be a ridiculous excuse Coca? Perhaps he really does feel that the OP is just not nice enough to his daughter, and maybe that has got markedly more noticable since she had her own baby.

Perhaps he feels that another child with her would just compound the problem and that his daughter would always be in the minority and that finances/time/attention would end up being further diverted away from her at the OP's insistance, whereas at the moment no one 'side' of his family needs to take priority over the other. Perhaps he is reluctant to do anything that puts his DD at a potential disadvantage. I don't see how any of us are in a position to say that's nonsense, or just an excuse, based on what the OP has told us.

Anyway, whatever the reason, he is entitled to decide he doesn't want more children and you don't have to like or agree with the reason, any more than he would if it were you. It's a shame if it's not what you'd hoped for, but that's life. If you are with someone older, with existing children that is always going to be a risk.

[CocaKoala]

Why does it have to be a ridiculous excuse Coca?

Because from reading the OP's post it sounds like it is an excuse. She has said he never consults her on anything and makes all the decisions without a second thought of an opinion from her. There seems to be more issues between them tbh other than the baby issue.

But instead of just saying "You're not nice enough to my daughter" maybe he should elaborate on why he felt the need to say that. Just saying the statement makes him sound like a 10 year old himself and if he's not overly keen on adding to his family then at least be completely honest about it.

[freshstart4us]

Quesera21 in the briefest, most provocative terms - on something as important as this, no, someone isn't allowed to change their mind. standing back, flame retardant blanket at the ready

But in all seriousness, marriages are supposed to meet the needs of both parties, not just one. That lovely cliche is trotted out often enough at stepmothers - "but you knew what you were getting into". In many ways we can't have certainty to know what we're getting into, but we can prepare by being clear about our hopes, dreams and needs at the beginning of a relationship. If something fundamental has been discussed at length, and agreed upon, then one party breaking the terms of that agreement is likely to have a detrimental affect upon the relationship. Yes, people grow and change and in some cases realise that something is not right for them - that's why divorce exists! Other people grow and change together, respectfully, mindfully, with consideration and love. In all instances relationships require communication and compromise on both sides. My post may not have been particularly eloquent or given adequate insight into the many facets of the situation, but my hope for the OP is that her relationship is of the latter ilk, that her DH can respectfully see her perspective too, with kindness and love, rather than having complete tunnel vision for his own and his DD's needs, and expecting his wife to fall into line with those, regardless of the cost to herself and their shared child.

[swingofthings]

that her DH can respectfully see her perspective too, with kindness and love, rather than having complete tunnel vision for his own and his DD's needs, and expecting his wife to fall into line with those, regardless of the cost to herself and their shared child.

Not sure what you mean by this. Surely you are not saying that he should respect her views with kindness and love and therefore agree to have another child with OP as a result? Do you mean showing her respect and love but still saying sorry, I don't want another child if that's how he feels?

In the end, however much love and respect they show for each other, one will get what they want and the other not, unless either of them change how they feel about having a baby. The issue is what decision would potentially do more damage? Who is more likely to move on and recover from relenting.

[Quesera21]

on something as important as this - no you can not change your mind. Flame retardant I agree!!

i agreed to a lot of things i thought were ideal when I got married, as the years passed, values, priorities changed as did our mutual goals. Some massive ones, like emigrating but to have to stick to the rules that were laid down when you were x age, without y experiences to factor in, is immature and controlling.

You have a child or a second and realise that your plans, really do not sit well with you. Yes time for a discussion with your other half about your feelings, but not this didactic - blame it on his other child and my way or the highway.

The Step child in the OP may have been used as an excuse but her DH is trying to articulate something, maybe badly but there is something underlying it, time for a discussion and not resent the step child.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

The Step child in the OP may have been used as an excuse but her DH is trying to articulate something, maybe badly but there is something underlying it, time for a discussion and not resent the step child.

As the OPs DHs way of trying to communicate something this important within his relationship with the OP is to blame his DC from his previous relationship then I suspect that any discussion the OP attempts to have will be futile.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Children deserve to be born to parents who actually WANT them. Brow-beating your husband into conceiving another (however crap his objections are) will only lead to misery for you, him and whatever children are forced into the family.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

Children deserve to be born to parents who actually WANT them. Brow-beating your husband into conceiving another (however crap his objections are) will only lead to misery for you, him and whatever children are forced into the family.

Presumably the same holds true for any unplanned DCs, too?

[Ginmartini]

I think you need to focus on why he thinks you have 'not been nice enough to his daughter', nothing else.

Is this a recurring conversation between the two of you?

Is this how he really feels?

Is there any truth in this from your point of view? You saying you have to try to remember that your SD has nothing to do with this makes me feel perhaps you don't keep your resentment in check?

If this is truly your dh's stance and he feels you treat his daughter badly then of course he has a right to change his mind about having another baby with you!!

If a woman said (as often happens on Relationships board): 'my partner seems to dislike and resent my daughter but he wants to have another baby and now I don't want to' what do you think the responses would be?

[Wdigin2this]

Bamboo, having read and thought about all the responses to your post, I'm finding it hard to decide which way I think about your situation On the one hand I'd say, you'd be mad to consider having another baby with this inconsiderate man.....on the other hand I'm thinking, have your feelings changed towards DSC since you had your own baby? I wouldn't blame you if they had, because it's very natural to want to put your own child first, but if this is the case, he's obviously picking up on it, and feeling protective towards his own DC, which is why I pose the question...do blended families ever really work?!