my fiances daughter

[januaryblues11]

just looking for a bit of advice really...

I have a ds who is 4. My fiance has 3 kids - 2 ds who are 5 and 2, and a dd who is 6.

We've been together for 18 months and I've been in the dcs life for about a year, gradually at first, but more recently seeing them twice/three times a month.

I was the reason that their parents split I guess - dp hadn't been happy for a long time and we met at work. He left his wife to be with me, though nothing happened between us for another 2 months after that.

I get on great with the boys. the 5 year old is a typical boy and accepted me immediately. He gets on great with my ds too which helps.

The 2 year old is brilliant - a bundle of fun and laughter. He doesn't remember his life without me in it.

The problem is his dd. She still remembers her life before me and I think she blames me for her dad leaving. I try really hard with her. sometimes I see her and shell come running up for a cuddle, and other times she will blow raspberries at me and won't come anywhere near me. its like she's totally conflicted by her feelings for me.

Tonight, we were messing around, I was tickling her and she was laughing and all of a sudden she looked me dead in the eye and said "I know your not my mummy". I laughed and said, no, she has a lovely mummy at home and I am just daddy's friend.

does anyone have any ideas on how best to handle myself with her? I'm so desperate for her to like me I worry that it comes across to her.

[lunar1]

You need to respect her conflicting feelings. You may find you get the same from the others when they are old enough to understand what happened. They have gone through a lot in a very short time.

[Ragwort]

she blames me for her dad leaving - well of course she does, and no doubt for the fact that you got together with her dad within two months of him leaving his wife and three young children. .

Your boy friend tells you he wasn't happy for a long time, you have been together for 18 months and his youngest child is only 2. Are you deluding yourself about this man - do you really want to marry him?

[januaryblues11]

it was a complicated situation. His ex wife was emotionally abusive. It was 6 months before he would even allow me to see him naked because of how much she had ruined his self esteem . She used to take all his wages every month, leaving him 50 quid out of 1500 then go out clubbing every weekend leaving him with the children. she's no angel.

I'm not asking judgement. yes I want to marry this man and yes I want to eventually have a good relationship with his daughter. i am a mother myself. I want some good advice on how best to handle her conflicted behaviour.

[lunar1]

Do you accept that she is entitled to her feelings? She doesn't have to be ready to move on just because you and her dad are in a rush.

[januaryblues11]

of course I do. I am not rushing her. I just don't know how to be around her. I want her to feel comfortable with me.

[TallulahTwinkletoes]

I see what you are saying ragwort but possibly OPs DP wasn't happy but was still sleeping with his ex. It happens. It doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad person or OP shouldn't be with him.

However, you and he know he wasn't happy for a long time. It may be that his DD didn't see the unhappiness and therefore thinks he just left for you. Also, her mum may have said some uncomplimentary things.

I'd say allow her to have these conflicting emotions. Try and say the right things like you did above when it's bought up. Potentially, you could have a little talk with her but it may put too much stress on her

[wheresthelight]

January - i don't think there is a lot you can do except be yourself and allow her to have her feelings. you need to respect them and not react negatively if she lashes out.

I do appreciate that is very hard! I was the OW nor did I have any part in dp and his ex splitting up (she had the affair) but for a long time and even now on occasion dss cam ne venomous towards me as in his eyes I stand in the way of his parents getting back together. for some reason he doesn't react the same way to his step father who was the om.

it will take a significant amount of time and it may never go away fully but the seesawing emotions will ease as she gets older and is able to better understand

[wheresthelight]

I wasn't the OW - bloody autocorrect

[Ragwort]

Yes of course Tallulah it may be a totally genuine, unhappy relationship and the Op and her boyfriend are well suited and going to be happy ever after but it sounds to me like the usual 'my wife doesn't understand me' story. He may have been sleeping with his wife, but why did he have another child with her if he was so unhappy (or was that an accident??).

I just think the Op (and the boyfriend) should be incredibly cautious about any new relationship when so many young children are involved - two months is nothing !

[popalot]

Give her time. This is the result of a man leaving one woman for another. I can't blame her really, who knows how her mother coped having him leave when her mum was either pregnant or with a newborn. It must have been a really turbulent time. So, give her time and she'll come round when she's ready. Carry on as you are I would say, with the tickling and honesty. If she backs off let her. She might feel a bit guilty liking you.

[tallulahlah]

''She used to take all his wages every month, leaving him 50 quid out of 1500''
Was that not because they had bills to pay? And young children? She must have been on mat leave at the end of their relationship?

My DH could probably say the same about me but it's because we don't have much spare money, it's mostly needed for bills.
Occasionally (about twice a year) I'll go out with my friends, he never does because he doesn't really have any friends, but he probably would tell people that I go out every weekend...if he wanted people to think I'm a total cow and he's unhappy.
I'm not a cow and he's not unhappy, but he could probably twist things to make it look that way if he really wanted to.

[Fiddlerontheroof]

My ex husband married the OW...my daughter really hates her. In her eyes, she takes her dads time away from her, she was the reason he left her etc etc. in her eyes that's how it is, and I'm not a crazy ex w, I do a lot to try and facilitate and improve their relationship. You just have to accept her feelings I'm afraid, and give her time. X

[Tutt]

Time is the only thing and even then that may never be enough.

Imagine being 4/5 and seeing your Mother struggle with pregnancy/new born as your Father ups and leaves, can you even imagine what was going on in that house, what may or may not have been said BUT would certainly have been felt? You think she blames you..

These children have been through emotional hell don't expect them to like or respect you and do not talk to them about this they are far to young and you are far to new.

[januaryblues11]

As I said.. not looking for judgement. You can't help who you love.. and I happen to love a man who has 3 children. This is pretty daunting to me. Obviously, his children are very important to him, and so therefore important to me.

I am not trying to take the place of their mother - far from it. I just want to know how best for them to feel comfortable around me, in particular his DD as she seems most affected of the 3.

I could be one of these awful women who hates having to be anywhere near his kids, but I'm not - I genuinely care for them and I hate that his dd is troubled by everything.

I know that his ex slags me off to the children which is a big part of it - I know she is angry that my dp left her but I dont think she should be sharing this with her children.

[sparing]

If you didn't come looking for judgement then I would respectfully suggest you don't know much about Mumsnet :)

You need to give them time. You destroyed her family and her mother's marriage. She's not going to get over that quickly is she?

You reap what you sow I'm afraid....

[sparing]

And actually you can very much help who you fall in love with. You can certainly help who you fuck, anyway.

[Branleuse]

Itll be tough and conflicting for her if her mum is still hurting over it and involving the children in her conversations about it.

I think youre doing all that you can really. Just be normal about it. You cant change what happens when shes at home. Hopefully things will settle down. Its all pretty recent isnt it.

[wannaBe]

Op, circumstances aside, when two people get together who have children, there is just no guarantee that the children will like the incoming partner, even if there is no influence on the part of e.g. those children's other parents. the fact is that you have come into this child's life when she may actually wish that her own parents were still together. I presume that the children are aware you want to get married?

I am not going to judge the circumstances in which you got together, as none of us know what goes on behind closed doors. But what I would say is, if the ex was as you say emotionally abusive, then she is presumably not beyond using those traits to get back at her ex for daring to leave her by telling the dc that you were the reason. Equally if your dp left a woman who thought her marriage was ok then she may be bitter and have lashed out. I don't agree that such young children need to know the ins and outs of a split fwiw, that is between the parents, but it could go way towards explaining the dd's reactions.

Equally though she may just not like you, and may just not want a stepmum. All you can do is be aware of her feelings and take these into account, and ask yourself whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone whose children may never accept you, or whether you can ride it out and hopefully get through the hard time.

[AGirlCalledBoB]

Give her time, it's only been 18 months since her parents split and it was a pretty shit thing for your fiancé to leave his wife with 3 small children, one of which was a small baby for another woman.

The dd has probably picked up on that if she has heard her parents arguing or her mum talking with friends.

Just let her go with the flow

[robotroy]

Good grief.

She clearly said that his ex was abusive to the point the poor guy has mental issues trying to deal with it. Why is it so hard for certain people here to read things as they are and not paint over everything with a gloss of 'all mums must be perfect'. Guess what, some aren't. Some are abusive, and when they are the dads have little to no support, and close to zero chance of getting their kids away with them. This is exactly why - women like yourselves refusing to accept the possibility of mum the abuser. Well it happens I'm afraid.

Its irrelevant how soon OP got together with a single man. There is zero morally wrong with that. Again, were the sexes reversed how you would all applaud a man 'taking on' an abused woman and her kids. Sexist much?

There are 2 people responsible for the breakup of any relationship, guess who they are, the people in it. No matter how head turning a person is, they're not responsible for your marriage. She acted extremely decently, clearly it sounds like the opportunity and feelings were present to cheat, and they chose not to but to put clear space between relationship a and relationship b. It's very easy also to be abusive to someone and then get affronted when they have the audacity to leave, 'how dare you defy my control'. Leaving abuse hardly makes you the one who 'broke up a relationship' actually, arguably the fault could lie with the abuser for making things untenable for the partner.

Imagine just for a second that what the poster wrote was accurate, and her partner was nastily abused, exactly how spiteful and unhelpful are some of the things written here. How about read things how they are written instead of trying to find any possible argument in which in fact mum must be faultless, and accept responsibility where it lies, not with a step parent. It's not actually our responsibilities to fix your kids after you fail to keep your relationships together, or our responsibilities you couldn't do so. If we choose to, how about a thanks.

Apologies for the rant January, I'm sorry for what your man went through. It must be very difficult and confusing for your dsd, and what I do agree with that was posted above is it's all about time, be yourself and you really can't rush things. I have across the years been asked all sorts of things, found out that mum said all sorts of hateful things, and most recently that dsd had confusing feelings about marriage coming into things. If dsd sees you being consistent, and not being the bad guy that she worries you might be, over time she will accept that's the case and feel confident that she knows what to expect from you.

I have openly said very honestly to DSD as she grew that I am sorry that her mum and dad aren't together, agreed with her that it's actually not fair, and told her that actually there aren't any such things in real life as goodies and baddies. Real people just have different perspectives and sometimes grown ups don't love each other like that any more. I think around the age of 9 she saw another friend's mum and dad break up in a much more healthy way, and they used similar language to this, so she started to see and accept that in her parents. Unfortunately it's a very grown up concept and it takes a long time to accept, and perhaps in some part they never will and will always feel a bit sad mum and dad didn't raise them together, and I think that's ok, it is sad.

Of course the one thing you must never, ever do, no matter what, is say anything negative about mum. You sound like a sensible person who has figured this one, but no matter what, smile sweetly, behave well, and accept that it's better to just stand accused of being the bad guy than to tell a child their parent is abusive. I think sadly they see in time if they aren't nice people, but that's still their parent and it's the one way you will completely alienate a child. So smile and talk about perspective, and be yourself. She sounds like a really nice child.

[januaryblues11]

robotroy, thankyou for such an understanding an insightful comment. I will take everything you said on board, you sound like you've been there :)

[Branleuse]

good post robotroy.

[wannaBe]

what Robotroy said.

[fedupbutfine]

robot...I think people come at it from their own experiences. I refrained from posting but was thinking what many of the others have said.

My ex had an affair. To cover up the fact he was sleeping with me - without contraception - to the bitter end (I was just pregnant when he left) he told people that I was both physically abusive and a rapist.

I am neither of those things and was neither of those things in our marriage. I therefore take any comments from a new partner who was involved in an affair which suggest the ex was abusive with a very healthy pinch of salt. People lie - to people they love, and to themselves. Is is a normal reaction in dealing with guilt.

Of course, in the OP's case it may well be true. No way of knowing. I personally think it healthy to suggest that there is an alternative view point. The OP can ignore it. It may, however, for some people ring some alarm bells and if that happens, it stops other women being taken in by tossers like my ex.

[AGirlCalledBoB]

I take what op is saying with a pinch of salt. She could be right about the ex or merely protecting the man who is trying to defend the fact he left his wife and kids for another woman.

The only two people who really know the truth are op's fiancé and his ex.

I know someone, a good woman who is raising 3 children on her own. Her ex is engaged and if you listen to the new woman, the mother is the worst person in the world, the lowest of the low. She is not of course, he is just a coward trying to defend the fact he cheated numerous times and walked out on his kids