Does anyone wish they didn't have to have his DC in their lives?

[Wdigin2this]

I know there are SM's on this thread who seem to have nailed this SP lark, and are happily engaged with their SC...and I applaud you all! But, though I now realise, having read some horror stories on here, my situation (all our DC are grown) isn't soooo bad. But, there are times when DH's inability to say no, (when no is clearly the right answer for all concerned) very, very wearing...so I suppose if I have to apportion blame, he's getting it! I so often boil with fury over the ridiculous excesses, one In particular DSC expects, which tbf he would extend to my DC if they would dream of accepting, which they don't! So, there are times when if I could, I'd wave a magic wand...Pooof, gone!

[daisychain01]

Maybe your frustration is being aimed at the wrong person.

I don't know your family set up but I'd hazard a guess that the source of bad behaviour and excessive demands may fall at the feet of your DH for not having the ability to say no? If you can sort that out, it will cut off the problem at source rather than trying to fix the symptom.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

daisychain is right - if your DP starts saying NO, then your DSC will probably disappear from your life anyway. It would be a win/win for you!

[daisychain01]

In fairness Peruvian, the ideal situation would be if the DH sets stronger boundaries then the DSC would behave in a more acceptable way so that the family can get along better,and build bridges rather than to create distance and split everyone up.

But I recognise if Wdigin doesn't like the DSC maybe the separation would be better.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

In fairness Peruvian, the ideal situation would be if the DH sets stronger boundaries then the DSC would behave in a more acceptable way

Given that the DSC are adults, I think that particular ship has sailed.

These are learnt behaviours, established in childhood - they're not suddenly going to change their ways because dad stops being Disney now.

[FireflyLight]

I've been reading your threads Wdig, and I'm wondering does your DP realise when he slips in to Disney mode or is he oblivious?

DH used to be like it until I pointed it out to him. In the beginning his relationship with them was more of the cool uncle one rather than dad. There was no meaningfulness to their relationship tbh. They saw him as more of a friend. Thankfully, he did realise what he was doing and has stopped (sometimes there is the odd slip but now it's like he recognises the signs of when he's slipping) and their relationship is a lot better as a result.

He wasn't doing them any favours by being as Disney as he was. He wasn't helping him or them and getting the best out of the relationship that they should have had.

[HormonalHeap]

"Pooof gone!" Yes please, me too. I ask my Dh to practise the word 'no' in front of a mirror. Wdig is it just his own children he can't say no to, or yours too? It annoys me no end that dh finds it no problem to utter the word to mine (who are fine with it as they have grown up hearing it from me!)

[Wdigin2this]

Thanks for everyone's input! To be fair DH is the nicest most generous person you could wish to meet, and together our lives have been pretty good. It's just this thing where, should one particular DSC ask..the answer is always yes! To the point where DH is the immediate go to point for every kind of support, practical, emotional and....don't get me started on the financial drain on us! In truth, he would be as financially available to my DC too, but they consider themselves grown people who can snd should support themselves, so they don't take advantage, although they are very fond of him..and vice versa! As has been said, this is learned behaviour from when this DSC was a young child, and I know guilt drives DH a lot, but I think it has been homed in on as a weakness, and has been fully and outrageously taken advantage of...if I went into detail, which I don't want to do on public forums, believe me you would all be shocked!!!

[Wdigin2this]

Tbh, I don't actually [dislike] any of the SGC as such, but their father's never ending guilt about splitting when they were young, together with the fact he had a traumatic childhood himself has led him to adopt the ever available for [everything] they could possibly want, type of parenting...even when we really couldn't afford it! I know now, I should have forced these conversations in the early years, but it's like hitting my head against a brick wall...he knows it shouldn't be like this, but refuses to discuss it sensibly!

[HormonalHeap]

Nothing would stock me wdigin. Mine have asked for cars, property and whatever their partners fancy. Not only that, they question how dh spends his money, ie if a larger purchase and not on them.

[Wdigin2this]

Wow, Hormona...that's steep! I'm just waiting for when DGC gets to the age of passing the driving test.....that'll be an eye opener!!

[Wdigin2this]

Hormonal, next time they query what he's spending money on...pipe up with 'Fast cars, holidays, booze and fun' then say, 'And we're using your inheritance darlings'!!! If only I could take my own advice?!!

[HormonalHeap]

Wdigin I've been fantasising about saying that for some

[HormonalHeap]

....time!

[Wdigin2this]

Hahaha, actually we do go on a lot of hols, and are lucky enough to be able to afford a nice lifestyle...but that apparently entitles one DSC to a similar life which is way beyond their own means! I'm all for giving all the kids a helping hand...and we do, but it grieves me to see DH taken so outrageously for a ride!!!

[Wdigin2this]

PS: Hormonal...didn't always have the good life, struggled for many years the same as everyone else!!

[HormonalHeap]

Wdigin we have a lot in common. We also have a very nice lifestyle but the career paths the dsc have chosen means it is doubtful they will be able to support themselves at all, nevermind in the style with which they have been accustomed. But then, even as adults, they will never need to support themselves- perish the thought.

[Wdigin2this]

I feel your pain Hormonal...there are times when yet again DH is being fleeced, and I wonder if he's actually all there!!

[HormonalHeap]

I think my dh confuses being fleeced with being needed. Wdigin even though your children have been raised differently and would not take liberties, does it not bother you that your dh does not treat them the same? It bothers me beyond measure.

[Wdigin2this]

No, not at all Hormonal, because he is always offering to pay for things for them....I think partly because he is a generous person, and partly because he's always trying to 'balance things out'! Sometimes, my DC will accept help if it's needed, but generally they say no, they're OK! What gets me is that if we're out for the day/meal/holiday etc, my lot take turns with us paying, as any group of adults would, whereas one DSC seems to revert to 'dependant child' status and pays for b***r all...ever!!

[HormonalHeap]

Wdigin I don't know how you bite your tongue and not point this out to your dh- I know I wouldn't resist. I doubt you need to though- he knows only too well and is ok with it. It's the future that worries me- I can just see one of the dsc's future wives fancying a bigger house and ss asking dh what he's going to do about it..

[Wdigin2this]

Hormonal.....sighhhhh!!! I have tried so many times by continually saying things like, 'well, not even offered you a drink tonight then, no change there' and 'does *** actually ever pay for anything in life', but it's like as if he prefers not to hear it, so he doesn't have to face up to the fact that he has a total freeloader for a DC! He simply refuses to respond to any criticism I make! ?? I have distanced myself as much as possible, because it will never change and I'm tired of banging my head against a wall! It's all about guilt, and he will never get past it. Thankfully, I don't feel that burden as I've done the best I can for my DC's and given them a healthy respect for making their own way in life...I have no regrets there! So far, we haven't been asked to finance a home...yet, but where the hell do these kids get the idea that someone else owes them a living? I bet you, like me, started with 'nuffing from nobody!' But made your own way in life!!!

[Wdigin2this]

PS: Hormonal....secretly I think he finds my DC easier, and more comfortable to be with!!!

[HormonalHeap]

One of the things that particularly annoys me is dh's habit of keeping things quiet and not telling me about things they ask for and the ridiculous things he does.

Have you ever heard of working adults not being allowed to pay their own parking tickets, or car body work after crashing their car? Or for anything in fact? I am always aghast at their sense of absolute entitlement.

[Wdigin2this]

Bloody hell Hormonal, your DH must be a twin to mine!! How will they ever be responsible adults, if he continues with the total financial support?! By the level of stuff I find out about (sneaking looks at his text and email messages, and I'm NOT ashamed of it) goodness knows how much I don't find out about!! DSC 'needs a little help with weekly shop', I saw the receipt, I won't say amount as I don't want this resonating with anyone in RL...but OMG, I was not aware you could get that much shopping in one trolley!!! I think your life and mine must be in tandem!!!