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Step-parenting

RP contact on NRP contact time

17 replies

WestEast · 14/03/2015 20:56

Evening.
Just looking for a range of opinions really. We have DSD EOW for two nights, DP sees her during the week but she doesn't stay over. Occasional phone contact. This works for both families, everyone is happy with this, we've asked DSD and she is happy with how things are.
DSD's mum always calls/face times when she stays over, this is generally in the evening, when we're doing wind down time (she's 5) before bed, so she's nice and calm and instantly gets ramped to hyped up. Importantly (I think) it doesn't upset her, or make her ask for her mum, she just gets hyper, running round the dining table hyper, which 20 mins before bed isn't ideal! DSD doesn't ask to speak to her mum whilst she's here, she's happy, secure and we have a good routine, but DP and myself feel the contact from mum is intrusive due to the hyping up. If DSD was upset and wanted her mum then yeah, talk to mum, but she's not upset, she's calm and happy.
All the adults involved have a really good relationship, we get on, the kids come first, it's truly lovely, but DP and I think that the calling/facetiming should stop, but we're conscious of not wanting to upset DSD's mum. Not for any other reason than just not wanting to upset someone, there's no horrid ExW issue here, she's bloody lovely!
So then, do we ask it to stop? Should we? If so, how? If not, how the frig do we calm down a hyper 5 year old just before bed? Help!

OP posts:

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Themrmen · 14/03/2015 21:03

Can you not ask her to call earlier so she doesn't get her hyper before bed?

I wouldn't like to he told to call my ds if ever me and dp split tbh

Sethspeaks · 14/03/2015 21:06

How about asking Mum if she has the same issue? It might be that it's pre - bedtime thing rather than the face time thing? Or ask her what she thinks the issue might be , or what you could do and take it from there.

Sounds like it wouldn't be too hard to discuss it and just bring up that you wondered if it was facetime that was unsettling.

WestEast · 14/03/2015 21:24

Calling earlier isn't without issue though, we're usually out for the day or doing something, time is limited for DP and DSD so we tend to make the most of it, without sounding corny!
I think her mum likes the contact, and I don't want to spoil that, plus I think I over think things at times!

OP posts:

jovialjulia · 14/03/2015 21:38

Get dsd to call mum at 6ish. Then turn your phone off. She'll soon realise that's the time to speak if she wants to.

MeridianB · 14/03/2015 21:43

Surely her mum knows her bedtime and that she would be winding down? Could you suggest that DSD calls mum 'at some point during the day' on your contact days so that it's a time that's best for DSD?

fedupbutfine · 14/03/2015 21:55

Get dsd to call mum at 6ish. Then turn your phone off. She'll soon realise that's the time to speak if she wants to

the OP has made it clear that there is a positive working relationship between all parties. How would such a response help?

jovialjulia · 14/03/2015 22:01

What's the alternative fedup?

jovialjulia · 14/03/2015 22:04

Because mum is prioritising her need to speak to her child ahead of the fact that it's daft to call a kid just before bed as it makes them hyper.

OP if you think that conversation will go down well, by all means suggest your dp has it.

VoyageOfDad · 14/03/2015 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WestEast · 14/03/2015 22:08

Turning off of phone is not an alternative, that's just not a conductive relationship.
I think I'll suggest the text voyage it's a nice inbetween resolution, contact for both bit hopefully not too stimulating. It can be dropped into conversation ' mummy says hello' type of thing.

OP posts:

Sethspeaks · 14/03/2015 22:18

I think talking is far better than texts. Texts can be misunderstood and before you know it good relations can turn sour. Just sit down and talk to her mum. A good relationship between everyone in a step relationship is invaluable and worth working on.

yellowdaisies · 14/03/2015 22:50

Just tell her what you've said here I guess. That it's making DSD a bit hyper and maybe it would be better not to call regularly, and ask her what she thinks?

You could frame or as DSD's getting older and maybe finds it easier being away from her DM than when she was little. Your DP could also offer to text his ex each night to give her a brief update on what DSD has been up to. If the core of the issue is that her DM misses her and worries about DSD when she's not with her, that might meet her needs, whilst letting you, DP and DSD all get on with your lives with less intrusion

wheresthelight · 15/03/2015 08:02

I agree that talking to dsd's mum is the way forward. Perhaps calling in the morning would be better so as not to get dsd too hyper before bed would be a better option?

swingofthings · 15/03/2015 12:39

Reading your posts as they are, it comes across as if your are more set at trying wanting to stop that contact all together, rather than looking for solutions to stop the hyperness.

If your concern is genuinely to do with the hyperness rather than the intrusion (which then becomes your problem rather than your dsd), then options are:

getting dsd to contact mum herself as soon as you are back from your day out. She can then tell her what she's done before she forgets.
you can speak to mum to say that dsd gets hyper and so maybe change the tone of the conversation so that it has the opposite effect.
you can work with dsd to manage the hyperness, ie. setting boundaries so that she knows that after speaking with mum, it is straight to story reading and no getting up from bed for instance.

Ghirly · 16/03/2015 22:03

My ds stays with his dad eow also. I don't contact him during this time as I am aware ex dp doesn't see ds as often as I do so therefore I leave them to have their own time without me phoning.
Ex dp phones ds most nights too and him and I have a fairly good relationship.

Sorry I do not have anything useful to say but I just wanted to point out that some resident parents take a step back during nrp contact time to allow them time to themselves.

springalong · 17/03/2015 18:33

I am RP and don't contact my DS during his EOW time with his dad. I feel that it is important that my DS have that space in his dad's home. I would be comfortable to do the same during the short holidays for up to a week for the same reason. However my ex doesn't respect my quality time with my DS so phones quite a lot. I find it disruptive for many reasons. We have a dreadful relationship despite me respecting his space. I so hope that OP can sort this without damaging a good relationship between the adults.

Quesera21 · 17/03/2015 20:20

OP- my Ex calls all the time to speak to the DCs.

It was always about 1945=2000 and drove me insane. Trying to get to bed, if I refused he got arsey etc.

Sat down with him and said when they were younger, look can you phone half an hour earlier, getting to bed has become a bit of an issue and we are trying to do not TV/techno for half an hour before bed time to calm everyone down.

It went across fine.

TBH -she is 5 yrs old - give it another 6 months- 1 yr and she will be able to phone mum/face time when ever she wants - the march of technology will hit you v soon.

I personally would never suggest no contact when with the other parent at this age. A few years older and mine are 7+ the dynamic changes.

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