Struggling Stepparent

[EFM87]

Hi all!

I've decided to join this page and start blogging as I'm not sure who else to talk to. None of my friends are stepparents and so don't truly understand how it feels.

I've been with my boyfriend now for 2 years, we live together, have spoken about our future - marriage, babies etc. The thing I'm struggling with is that he has 2 children from a previous relationship - a little girl aged 8 and a little boy aged 6.

I do adore his children and I trust that they like me too, maybe even love me. Its just the feeling of not having a child of my own that depresses me, and helping to raise another woman's children and receive no gratitude.

No-one could prepare me for the this life.

I look after the children as if they were my own. I feed them, clothe them, bath them, read them bedtime stories, do their homework, comfort them when they are upset/unwell and make sure they are safe. Yet I feel it all goes unnoticed - by them, their Mum and even my partner.

Whenever I discuss my feelings with my partner, it then prompts him to appreciate what I do, yet I don't think he actually gets it. I do a lot of work for someone elses children and yet I'm the one who is always kept out of the loop when it comes to decision making.

He gets to do all the fun stuff with them and receive all the rewards. He gets the 'I love you's', the hugs & kisses and to see them at their school plays and sports days. What do I get? Chores, the constant feeling of I will never be better than their Mum - and this fear worsens at the thought of how will they feel about me when they are older.

I feel jealous too. When he hugs and kisses his daughter especially - maybe its because I always thought I would be the only girl in my boyfriends life, until a daughter of our own came along. I always feel in competition. I hate feeling this way - am I a bad person?

Is it awful that I look forward to when the children go back to their Mums? I know my partner feels upset when the kids go back, but a slight part of me is relieved. I like having time with him on my own, and without having to play 'mum' to someone else's children. It would be totally different if they were my kids, but its the constant reminder of this other woman who will always be better than me in their eyes, and who has daily contact with my boyfriend. I mean, who wants their boyfriend/girlfriend to speak to their ex on a daily basis. Its gut wrenching at times!

Part of me thinks it would be different if they lived with us full-time, and they only saw their Mum every Friday & every other weekend. I think I would actually prefer it!

Is there anyone else in the position I am, and have any words of wisdom for me? I really need to know I'm not alone and I'm not a terrible person for having these feelings. My partner probably thinks I cant stand the kids, but I love them - I'm just struggling

[IonaMumsnet]

Hi OP, We think this post would probably be better on our Step-parenting boards so we'll move it over for you.

[Themrmen]

Are you and your dp planning to have children together?

Behind a stepparent is hard and you don't get gratitude but you're going to have to find a way to get over your feelings as harsh as that sounds. You will never replace their mum or be better as you say.

The feelings of jealous also need to be addressed or they will fester and could cause problems.

You never know what you're getting into when you date someone with children but the fact is they exist and they are going to around forever, are you prepared for years of this? If not maybe you should reconsider the relationship as bringing your own dc into the family brings a lot if new problems of there own and you seem to give the impression all will be ok if you have your own dc, which is maybe a little naive.

[fedupbutfine]

why do you feel you need to somehow be 'better' than the children's mum? why put yourself in competition with her?

[TheMumsRush]

Why are they talking on a daily basis? I really think you need to stop doing so much, it's lovely that you are doing it but I found stepping back made things easier. For me, I have found SP the hardest thing I've ever done, and to be honest, as much as I love my DH I wouldn't do it again

[Wdigin2this]

Themrmen...you hit the nail on the head! Unfortunately jealousy, resentment and feeling you're not appreciated is the lot of mant step-parents, and sadly it's unlikely to get better. At this early stage I would say think carefully about the years ahead, whether you have DC of your own or not, (and that def brings a whole bunch of other probs) can you live with it...you will always come second in his DC's lives, and to a certain extent in his too! Is this the life you really want?!

[FireflyLight]

As a mum and stepmum I can tell you that in my experience being with someone with a child already isn't any easier when you have children of your own.

I absolutely agree with this. When you go on to have children of your own it makes it so much more complicated and a whole range of issues/feelings can arise.

[wannaBe]

You'll never be better than their mum because you'll never be their mum. i don't mean that to sound harsh, but the idea that you should want to be better than their mum and that you're jealous of the fact they have a better relationship with another woman than they have with you really isn't healthy.

It is possible to build a strong relationship with the dsc over time, but jealousy of the children's relationship with their own mother plus jealousy of the dad's relationship with his dd because it means you're not the only girl in his life is just wrong on every levele.

Some children do grow up to have a relationship with a step parent which means they see them like a second parent and that isn't wrong. But it will never take away from the relationship they have with their biological parents. You talk of having your own children, how would you feel if another woman felt she was entitled to a better relationship with your children than you? That it would be better if your children spent all their time with her and that you should only have them every other weekend?

It's one thing to feel that step parenting is a thankless task, there are plenty of other posts on mn which echo this sentiment. But it is quite another to feel that you should be taking over the mother role in their lives. Frankly if my dp started suggesting that it would be better to cut down the relationship between my xh and my ds so he could be the new parent in his life he wouldn't be my dp for long.

And if he was jealous that me hugging my ds meant he wasn't the only man in my life I would run for the hills. in fact if someone on mn posted that their partner was jealous of their children because that meant they weren't the only man in their life they would be told in no uncertain terms that he was controlling and to ltb asap.

[wearing]

Where to start?

They aren't your kids. Why do you want them to show love to you? I think you're being creepy and weird, it sounds as if you want them to treat you like their mum when they're with you and forget about their real mum. It all sounds very odd.

You need to find some emotional maturity to appreciate that a STEPmother is different to being a mother. And yes, a lot of a stepmothers job is to be there and do a certain amount of hard work, receiving very little gratitude for it, often. Children are not going to thank you for doing all the daily grunt work, that's just what children are like and it's the same whether you're a mother or stepmother.

If you aren't up for being a stepmother and all that comes with it, then that's fine. It involves sharing your partner with his kids, it's involves having to take his ex wife into account if you are making plans which involve the children, it involves any children you may have sharing time and resources with the children from the earlier relationship.

If you don't want any of that, you're with the wrong guy.

[Wdigin2this]

I don't think the OP actually meant she thinks she should be as/more important to her DSC than their mother, but perhaps her wording was confusing the issue! If she is just fed-up with doing all the hard work connected with partially resident children and getting very little affection/respect in return, maybe she has a point, children should be encouraged to show gratitude to anyone in their lives who make efforts for them. Sadly, she's probably onto a loser from the start though, and I agree if she feels this way now it can only get harder as they grow up!

[heidiwine]

My experience is much the same as yours. I have known my DPs children for 5 years. I know that I have been a loving and constant presence in their lives. I know that I have done more than I needed to in order to provide a secure and loving home for them. I get no thanks. I think that my life is made particularly difficult because DPs ex has always made her dislike of me clear. That means the children are torn - they want to care about me but feel guilty when they do.
Five years in and I'm very close to walking away- no kids of my own (despite trying for almost 2 years) has resulted in bitterness and resentment that doesn't help anyone.
If I had my time again I would have set former boundaries: insisted on thank-yous and ensured the children helped around the house. I would have been more of a parent and less of a friend (contrary to all of the advice I received) I would also have put myself first every now and then.
I hope it works out for you OP.

[CalicoBlue]

Step parenting is very hard, even if you have great relationships with your step children.

A agree with TheMumsRush. I think you need to step away a bit.

Let them have time with their father without you trying to be a parent too. Enjoy your time on your own with your DP. You can still have fun time with the kids too, but let him be the parent.

Just don't expect gratitude and affection in return for what you do for them, if you do get it great, but please don't be upset that you don't. The norm is that you will not.

As other PP have said, don't expect things to be easier if you have your own DC, that is another batch of problems.

You just need to find your own way of coping and not letting things upset you.

[SurlyCue]

OP why is it that you are doing all the caring and slogwork with the children? What on earth is their father doing?

[MotherofA]

Hiya! I had to join this conversation as I feel exactly the same ! (The person that called you creepy is clearly a mother to kids with a step mother or has some other issue )
I have a child (not with my partner ) he has 2 children . I feel like I am turning in to something I never would .... Cinderellas wicked step mother ! Jokes aside I dread weekends . His children are not being raised like mine , they are rude they scream to get their own way (it works ) they won't eat meals I cook as they are used to meals such as sausage egg and chips (yuk) . Although I am expected to bathe clothe them etc I am allowed zero input on their discipline . They behave like wild animals climbing over furniture ignoring me and their father . Basically they are a nightmare!!!
I am so in love with their father but the children make me want to walk away at times . Also similar to your situation their mother calls my partner all the time for chit chats which annoys me . I don't like her despite trying . She is not a good mother and it makes me mad that he pays her a large amount of child support yet she does not take them anywhere or buy them even new clothes and shoes , they always look unclean and scruffy ! I have no advice , it's tough but I hope it helps to know there are other people in the same situation xxx

[MotherofA]

I also agree with the above in that we should detach and probably not have such a parenting role . Try to switch off ? Easier said than done I find though x

[Wdigin2this]

OMG MotherofA, that sounds absolutely awful, and you have to put up with this every weekend? I really feel for you in that nightmare situation!

[MotherofA]

Yes he has them every Saturday and all day Sunday until 6pm ish . It causes arguments between us if I try to tell them off etc , highly frustrating ! I often wonder if we had a child would it be me parenting my child and ours while his two run riot ?! I find it unfair for my daughter as she still gets disciplined and seems to try copying their behaviour . X

[wearing]

When two partners are on such different pages regarding parenting, I wonder why the hell you would ever consider procreating with them?!

You already know what his parenting style is, and you hate it, yet you're considering children with him?

[SurlyCue]

MotherofA you dont have to live with him to be in a relationship with him. This is clearly causing you a lot of stress and would for me too. I just wouldnt tolerate anyone behaving in my house like that and if a partner thought it acceptable then i wouldnt make them a live in partner, no matter how much i loved them. In your shoes i would move into a different house and remove the aspect of your relationship that is really causing problems.

[Wdigin2this]

It is unfair on your DD, she sees these two DSC running riot and behaving in a way she would not be allowed to, you can't blame her for trying it on! If DP is not willing to discuss this problem, I don't see how you can move forward...and I speak with the experience of grown DSC's continuing financial expectations...which my DH will not discuss! Disengagement (as far as is possible) has been my way forward!

[MotherofA]

To be honest I thought he had the same values as myself but it seems he has unconsciously followed in the exs lazy parenting footsteps . It wasn't until we had been on holiday together did I realise how bad they were ... Dss won't eat his own food but do allows him to climb on his knee and eat from his plate ?! Is it just me that finds this crazy lol.
That being said, I do consider moving out yet I am not really willing to allow children to stop us having a future ? Modern dysfunction hey ! X

[MotherofA]

Dp* not do lol

[SurlyCue]

I am not really willing to allow children to stop us having a future

Ahh you see it isnt the children that are stopping you is it! It is that you and your partner dont share the same values with regards to parenting, discipline or respect of the family home. You are not compatible in that respect so it doesnt make sense to have a relationship with those aspects intertwined. If you are to be together long term then in your shoes i would live separately until all the DCs are grown and moved out. I certainly wouldnt contemplate having dcs with him! Is that what you mean by a future?

[wearing]

Well said Surly.

Incompatible at such a basic level, and yet these boards are full of women so eager to blame the children that they go ahead and get even more deeply embroiled in a shitty set up.

Madness.

[wannaBe]

MotherofA your situation is different to that of the op. You and your dp clearly have entirely differing parenting styles and he refuses to be drawn on the issue. You are forced to have his badly behaved children in your house every weekend and have no say in how they behave in your house. I wouldn't put up with that no matter how much I loved their father. And tbh if he refused to discuss it I would question whether he had any respect for me at all and whether I would want to have children with him.

And if a child came into my house and behaved badly they would be told in no uncertain terms that they can either behave or not come. If that caused division between me and their parent (which I suspect it would) then so be it.

But the op talking of being jealous that her sc have a better relationship with their own mother than with her and considering her dp having a relationship with another girl that isn't her when he kisses his daughter is bloody creepy. Doing things for them feeling like a thankless task is normal, although in the op's situation the rest really isn't.