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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Keys for teenage DSC - What do you do?

35 replies

CalicoBlue · 06/03/2015 16:47

This is becoming an issue in our house. We have teenage kids. Our eldest has a key for our house and one for his Dads since year 7, never any problems or keys lost.

DSS and DD now want a key as they have started high school, the problem there is that DSS's DM is a nightmare and we know that if she got her hands on a key to our house she would use it. So the result is that neither of them have a key, but sometimes they do need one. I give DD one and she returns it when I get home. This only happens once a month or so as there is someone at home each day when they get home from school.

Anyone else had this issue? How do you manage to give the kids freedom with maintaining security at home?

OP posts:

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ragged · 06/03/2015 17:13

Key kept & replaced in secure place in garden, only adults have own keys.

TheMumsRush · 06/03/2015 17:14

She would just let herself in?

MinceSpy · 06/03/2015 17:19

What about a key safe. You put key in the little box which is fitted to the wall and text the kids today's code.
I'd be tempted to give them a key and all go back, then sneak home to wait for the ex to let herself in. She'd only do it the once.

yellowdaisies · 06/03/2015 17:23

Ours have keys. I can't imagine that their DM would ever use them herself, though the DSC have occasionally let themselves in to pick up something they've left behind when we're out

Would their mum really take a key off them (by force? coercion?) do you think and come round to snoop round your house?

If so then I guess you could use a key safe as suggested above, or give them keys just for the time they're with you.

ragged · 06/03/2015 17:25

Ah, so the step-kids are teens but never come over without their mother, or she would harass them to bring it back to her house so she could get a copy? Sorry, I hadn't anticipated that level of looniness.

Dumpylump · 06/03/2015 17:27

Dp would have the same problem sadly....ex wouldn't think twice if she had half a chance. She has form for chucking things through windows and vandalising cars too.
Dps dd lives with him and leaves key at his if she goes to visit her mum. She does this off her own bat because "you know what mum can be like". It's awful really.

yellowdaisies · 06/03/2015 17:28

The only security issue we have had was DSD a couple of years ago lying to everyone and staying at our house hosting a party when we were away.

We locked the front door with the mortice lock the next couple of times we were away after that so she couldn't get in.

CalicoBlue · 06/03/2015 17:28

TheMumsRush and MinceSpy

Yes, she would come into the house. She is not daft and plays the long game, she would get a copy and wait till we were away and then come in. She would steal, mess with stuff and have a good nose.

Like the idea of a safekey. Though I am a bit neurotic about being broken into, not sure where I could put one that no one else could see or break off the wall.

OP posts:

yellowdaisies · 06/03/2015 17:31

Do you have a second lock on the door (eg a mortice lock) you could use when you're going away?

MinceSpy · 06/03/2015 17:33

What an awful woman. Key safes are considered very safe and bolted on. Just pick a discreet area to fix it to.

SurlyCue · 06/03/2015 17:34

Sadly i can well believe someone would do that. I fear my exp would do that given half the chance. I have caught him breaking into my previous home and another time he let himself into my house where he proceeded to put holes in my condom supply- that i only discovered after using one. There are some really sick people out there.

I think a key safe sounds like your best bet. Unless she would force the DC to tell her the code?

CunningCat · 06/03/2015 17:36

Key safe are brilliant and really secure. When I worked with the elderly lots of them have these.

CalicoBlue · 06/03/2015 17:38

ragged She does not come near the house, but she would take the key off her DC. She would probably do it without him noticing, or tell him that she was having a copy made to keep safe for him in case he looses one and then won't get in trouble with his Dad. She is bonkers and very manipulative, her DC believes everything she says.

yellowdaises I always us the mortice lock when out. The last person in the house double locks the door.

I just hate the idea of someone coming in and out of my house.

OP posts:

yellowdaisies · 06/03/2015 17:48

Could you get your DSC just a Yale key? Then if you're expecting them to need to let themselves in you could leave the mortice lock unlocked?

A key safe would only work if you could trust your DSC not to tell their DM about it

Mitzi50 · 06/03/2015 17:54

I had this with DS leaving his key at his father's house on several occasions. My ex has form for entering my house so I now have an alarm so if he uses copied keys to come in the alarm will go off (unless my DS actually tells him the code).

wheresthelight · 06/03/2015 18:24

calico for you have a porch? if so could you give them a key to the main door and then have a key safe inside the porch for the internal door key? this is probably what we will do although after dp's ex sauntered in to our house just after we first moved in without even knocking she is now on no doubt whatsoever what would happen to her if she did it again so I know she won't try and get in if we give dss a key!

SnottyCowbag · 06/03/2015 20:29

Some types of locks have keys that can't be copied (or are very hard to copy)

info here

jovialjulia · 07/03/2015 09:07

I was the one who pushed for my dsd to have a key for our home as I wanted her to feel it was hers too. It was also so she didn't have to wait for us to get home from work on the days she stayed with us. It worked for a bit then my stuff started going missing and she'd have friends round while we were away. I never really worried that she'd let her mum in but in more recent years I've wondered if it happened from little things that have been said. I wish I'd never bothered
A box with a new code each day seems best and can be presented as a measure against the kids losing them

Petal02 · 07/03/2015 09:19

DSS doesn't have a key, he is unable to gather his thoughts sufficiently to ensure things are left as they should be on his way out -ie, that pets are in the utility room, the burglar alarm should be set, and then the front door is to be locked. You can't expect a 20 year old with separated parents to act responsibly ........

CalicoBlue · 07/03/2015 11:23

You can't expect a 20 year old with separated parents to act responsibly ........

It is amazing what they get away with. MY DSS can not be left to be the last out of the house as he will not even remember to shut the front door.

OP posts:

Petal02 · 07/03/2015 12:27

DH is too disney for there to be any consequences, which is why there hasn't been any improvement. We were away on holiday last Easter, DH casually commented that DSS may just pop into our house to collect mail (he was due to be home from Uni while we went on holiday) and that caused a huge row, there was no way I could relax on a beach wondering if DSS was absent-mindedly bimbling round our house, then failing to lock up/set alarm.

I made sure I retrieved the key back from DSS in advance of our departure, just to be on the safe side.

We have a similar problem if he wants to stay over at our house on week nights during Uni holidays; I have to go to work leaving him in bed, he'll go home early after noon, but he's been known to leave the gas hob lit, the back door open, the front door unlocked etc etc, and I get really anxious about it.

DH always argues that this hasn't caused any disasters yet - "yet" being exactly my point.

TheMumsRush · 07/03/2015 14:27

If I knew my DH ex would let herself in then the dsc wouldn't be getting a key

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SaintEyning · 07/03/2015 14:45

Exact same issue here - except she did let herself in, several times. We have two very obvious (and cheap, simple to set up) cameras on front and back doors that record on sensing motion and text us when activated. Not fair to punish DSCs and make them feel as though they are not welcome / trusted, even though it's not them we can't trust. They don't have keys to her house - possibly as she projects her own behaviour onto anyone and everyone she can...

Stillwishihadabs · 07/03/2015 14:51

Am at a 20 year old leaving the door open. At that age we (Dsis and I) were left in the house for 3 weeks in August while our parents were on holiday. The worst thing that happened was we forgot to water the house plants (the cat would obviously ask for food).

Stillwishihadabs · 07/03/2015 14:52

Meant to say ds is nearly 11 and has house keys.

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