Experience post break up needed - open mind only please!

[stalkedbytheex]

Hi all

OK, I have an issue that will require an open mind. Parts of this story, whilst I am not ashamed, will not sit well with possibly more conservative people and I respect that there will be differing perspectives and experiences. This is what I am looking for, I just ask that it is kept on topic and not a witch hunt because of my life choices.

OK so last year I met and fell in love with a great guy. He had two kids and had been separated 18 months from their mum. All was going great, we waited several months before I met the kids, and to begin with it was an hour at a time with lots of family around, building up the time I was there very slowly. I spent ages researching how to conduct myself with them, and with BF, so as to make them as comfortable with their dad's new friend as possible. It went really well and we were all getting on great.

The EXW then decided I was not a fit influence around them because one of the kids came back from a weekend saying she did not like me, which kids do, and bear in mind this was an isolated incident. We hadn't argued, I hadn't disciplined (I never did, that was BF's job) But the ex decided I was not allowed to spend any time with the kids until she said otherwise, and BF was so petrified she would stop him seeing them he agreed.

About 2 months after that, we ended. A large part of the reason was she was putting him in the impossible position of feeling like he had to choose, because now that EXW did not like me, it was a threat to his access. We had only been together about 7 months so I was the easy tie to cut.

So I have been getting on with my life. Me and EXBF speak occasionally but are not in each other's lives. I certainly have no contact with the kids, and haven't since well before we split up.

Anyway, the bit some people might frown on, but again, my choice. I have had an interest in photography but am very amateur. I love nude portraits, body positivity studies (a bit like the one Leonard Nimoy did) but don't have any subjects. So I started taking nudes of myself, as artful as I could make them with limited experience, and started an faceless blog. Within this blog I also feature other people doing body positivity stuff as well as some personal posts of my own, like a sort of dear diary if I am having a low day.

The EXW has somehow magically found it (DO NOT ask me how, she doesn't work and seems to have a lot of time on her hands) and has screenshotted it all, texted my EXBF to say she is going to present it in court as evidence he associates with unsavoury people (I earn £35k plus a year, having worked my way up since 18, haven't ever had more than a parking ticket, own my own home which I earned bought and paid for, am tee total and never do or have done drugs, come from a good family, but yeah, I am the scum of the earth).

I am in several minds as to what to do about the blog - delete it or not? I've put a lot of time, thought and effort into it, it's been a personal project that has kept me busy whilst getting over a break up from the love of my life. On the one hand, it would be unfair for my EXBF to lose access to his kids because of what I am doing now. But on the other hand, why should I continue to have my life run by this woman when I am not in any way part of her or her children's lives? She succeeded in running me out, why should I base any of my life choices, good or bad, around her?

I just wondered what the legal standpoint on this is really - is it actually admissable in court what a girlfriend or ex girlfriend does with their free time (as long as it is legal of course)? Any advice at all?

[Maroonie]

I have no experience of this or legal knowledge but I dont think what you do in your spare time is relavent to his access! He should access legal advice to make sure but really it's not your problem anymore.

[bingobingo]

Don't do anything! You haven't done anything wrong. Honestly, do not take it down or even reply. Poor you, and also very good that you're out of it despite the heartbreak.

[LineRunner]

Ignore it.

Live your life.

[Tutt]

I would say thank goodness you are away from this loon and her extreme drama!!
As for your blog/project fuck her and him now he's aqn ex, this has nothing to do with you anymore so don't even get involved!!
Nasty people with nasty minds!

[stalkedbytheex]

What upsets me most is that I know my EXBF won't even keep a friendship with me now. Not because he blames me or is angry, but because maintaining a friendship would be too much of a risk to seeing his kids. On the one hand, yes, I am better off out of it. But he was the closest thing to a soulmate I had found and if we couldnt be together at least we had a friendship, we got on sooooo unbelievable well.

She's a selfish, horrid, horrid woman.

[PesoPenguin]

I'm sure it won't even be considered in court and she has the screen shots anyway so there's not much you can do about it. Tbh her craziness isn't really your problem anymore anyway...

[Fattyfattyyumyum]

No court is going to judge your boyfriend on his ex girlfriends totally legal activities.

tbh he needs to man up and stop letting the ex wife bully him with ridiculous threats. be glad you're well out of that situation!!!

[PeruvianFoodLover]

How old are the DCs? On the face of it, it seems ludicrous, but courts can, and do, consider the views and perceptions of quite young DCs.

With the right coaching from their mum, alongside an overworked CAFCASS officer who takes things at face value rather than considering how the DCs have formed their opinions, and sadly, your ex might find himself with limited/superficial contact with his DCs.

I don't think withdrawing your blog will make a difference now; the court won't care if it exists or not, what they'll care about is risk to the DCs (none) followed by the DCs perceptions and opinions about contact with their dad.

On the other hand, an effective CAFCASS Officer and effective magistrate/judge my treat it with the contempt it deserves and dismiss the application from the DCs mother as malicious.

Sadly though, if your ex is facing this level of hostility from his ex, then it's likely she'll find something else to use as justification to restrict contact and he'll forever be fighting to remain a part of his DCs lives.

[bingobingo]

Just out of interest, why are some people's comments with a grey background?

[CalicoBlue]

You have done nothing wrong, can not see what relevance it has in court. Going to court is expensive, I don't understand why she would want to spend money on it.

You are well out of it, just get on with your life.

[bingobingo]

I think OP she has become unhealthily obsessed with you and now has seen these pictures of you naked, which has made her furious (with jealousy, knowing you and her ex have had carnal relations). She's lashing out to vent.

[wheresthelight]

you have done absolutely nothing wrong hun so don't worry and if your exbf is that spineless then you are better off out of it!

[LineRunner]

bingo, I believe it's a tech hitch.

[stalkedbytheex]

Wheresthelight, yes there's a part of me that thinks that too!
Bingobingo it does sound like there is a bit of an obsession, which is unnecessary because I'm not in the picture anymore, so what does she hope to gain?

The kids are 4 and 2, so they are quite young. I was part of a stepfamily myself so entering into this relationship I was even more mindful of doing the right thing by them. I didn't even wear a v-neck top just to be sure that I wasn't giving an unhealthy image! Over the top I know, but I had heard what she was like and I wanted things to work so badly. After all that, and driving a wedge anyway, she decides to do this?

[FlossyMoo]

you have done absolutely nothing wrong hun so don't worry and if your exbf is that spineless then you are better off out of it!

Completely agree. (apart from the hun bit )

[wannaBe]

I'm intrigued to know how she knows it's you if it's a faceless blog? And how she's planning to prove it in court.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

Given the youngest DCs age, it's fairly likely that they have unfinished business and it'll probably be messy for a while.

You're definitely well out of it. Just the fact that your ex chose to tell you about his ex's threats, something he had no reason or need to share with you, suggests that he may be playing emotional games with the women in his life.

[stalkedbytheex]

Peruvian that's a very good point actually. I guess I had assumed he had told me because we still speak and he's been sharing some of the other stuff she's been hurling at him the last couple of weeks. I just thought it was another page in the story and he offloading.

But yes, getting a bit of an ego boost playing us off against eachother is possible albeit unlikely. I think I just need to keep doing what I'm doing because, after all, it's my life, and it's actually not my problem any more. He made his choice.

Aaaand I type that and I don't believe my bravado.

[wannaBe]

agree with Peruvian. He has no need to tell you this stuff. I wonder whether it's even true or whether he's just playing games.

After all what does he expect you to do about it?

And as I asked before, how does she know it's you?

[LineRunner]

The youngest must have been new born when they separated?

[stalkedbytheex]

Yes, the youngest was 3 months. Apparently they did not know she was with child until around the 6 month mark.

I might ask him why he told me, come straight out with it. I'm tired of his peripheral drama sending me into downspin. It was worth it before, now I have no reason to suffer it.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

Whether he realises it or not, he's clearly not emotionally available yet.

He's offloading his dramas with his ex onto you - the woman who viewed him as her soulmate.

Whether it's deliberate or unintentional, he's dragged you into his mess. If you think he's worth a punt, agree to go no-contact for a year, and make arrangements to meet up in a years time. If your relationship has a future, it will withstand that.

[springalong]

You absolutely should not stop doing what you want to providing it is legal (and from your description, no issues on that account).

They clearly have unfinished (emotional) history and for whatever reason you got involved too early. Best to step away until it settles down, if ever.

I am an ex-wife and I would not have cared two hoots what my ex's new partner did (and she was the OW). However she could not accord me that same courtesy. I campaign on a children's related issue and I know that she contacted ex about the issue for him to try to use it in court against me on the grounds I was bringing the DC into it (they are not named and I have a different surname anyway). It is very unpleasant to be on the receiving end. 3 years on and her harassment of me has not stopped. So I would leave them to get on with it.

[stalkedbytheex]

Peruvian I appreciate your viewpoint on this, and I will think very carefully about what you have said. I deserve a shot at being happy, and whilst I would have done anything for him once, it would have been at the cost of my own in most ways. I have a chance to escape that and I owe it to myself to take it. It;s funny how things work out, perhaps this is the universe pushing me into a new space to experience something new!

Springalong it is entirely legal. It's a boost for me both physically and creatively, it's nice to have my work appreciated. It's also a nice way to make friends, especially as all mine are all settled down with babies. I am not so I have no single gal pals to go out with. It's really a very horrible, lonely time for me and I hate that she is driving another knife in when it is not needed.

Thank you all for your support, I am actually in tears right now because I thought I would be judged for my project, and I have been met with kindness.