Am I wrong to feel like this?

[muchtooshy]

My boyfriend has 2 children with his ex wife. I met them after we had been dating for about 4 months. They live with their mum but are here quite often. (More since they met me and since I moved in) I have never had any issues really as the children accepted me straight away.

I am struggling with some things though but I don't know if they are actual issues or due to me being oversensitive!

So I know I am being stupid about this one but my BFs daughter was here last night but woke up and was sick this morning. She wanted to go to her mum's house (hurt a little) she rang mum after being up a couple of hours and mum was coming to get her. Quite a while later she arrived as she had been to MacDonalds for breakfast first. Her daughter is 13 and, although she didn't say anything, she seemed upset that mum had had this detour. I feel a bit gutted that she wanted to go back to her mum but I think that is me being unreasonable.

The other issue is how much control the ex seems to want. Both children have said that she asks them everything that they do when they are here. Even if one of them has played up but it has been sorted and settled here she will add punishments or undermine what has been done. She is so critical too and likes to try and cause arguments. She has said that she likes drama and is a princess. I don't like her judging our house (it is cluttered at the moment but it is getting sorted) but it is like she is judging on stuff that she doesn't do. So she will mention if the lunch pots haven't been done if she pops in but there will be 2 days worth of pots waiting at her house. Nothing she does can ever be criticised and it feels like there are two sets of standards.

Also she speaks disrespectfully to pretty much everyone. To my BF in front of the kids and encourages them to do the same. (Isn't dad a f idiot? etc) It hurts me to see them speak to him like that. Their attitudes have taken a turn for the worse in the last few weeks. Not to me as they don't really ever take their moods out on me. But his son (8) was in such a mood with his dad on Sunday as when we picked them up at 1pm. they hadn't had anything to eat. But somehow that is my BFs fault even though we always make sure they have had meals here.

I just don't know how to handle someone who thinks they are perfect and can do no wrong but is so judgemental of what everyone else does! :(

[FlossyMoo]

You need to take a step back OP. If you let this stuff get to you it can and often does ruin the relationship between the couple and the children.

The ex will see you as a threat and undermining you and criticising is a way of keeping some control. Sadly you will not be able to stop this from happening as you cannot control what the ex says or does but you can control how you feel and act about it.

Your BF needs to deal with how is ex treats him and he needs to deal with the children's behaviour in your home. When the children are with you give them clear house rules and boundaries. It doesn't matter what goes on at mums but in your house we don't disrespect each other, we don't disrespect the home.
Your BF needs to make it clear to the ex that if she cannot be respectful then she will no longer be welcome in the house. There is no reason for her to enter your home so why allow it when she is so rude?

In regards to the McDonalds thing let that go, there is nothing you can do. Same with your feelings on DSD wanting her mum when she was sick....of course she would it's her mum. It is no reflection on how much she likes you just that a sick child will always want a parent first usually mum.

There are some good SP books out there but I don't have any links but someone else maybe along soon who does.

[robotroy]

I think Flossymoo is completely right. I've had pretty much all the things you describe, to a much more aggressive level, and you really need to tell your man to be in charge of communicating with their mum and sort any problems out. It's not your place to tell her, but similarly its not required of you to put up with rudeness so if you don't want her coming in the house or you want him to tell his ex to keep her opinions to yourself you definitely should speak up. I have refused to go into DSD's mums house before because she openly despises me so why would I want to? But if I see her at a school event I am of course polite.

Never under any circumstances no matter what happens criticise her in front of the kids. She should show the same respect, but if she doesn't, it will only make her look bitter down the road. Kids aren't silly and though they will mirror for a short while if you explain and dad explains that it's not acceptable in your home it will wear off after a bit, and especially if they realise it's more rewarding to just all be nice to each other.

Usually I leave discipline to her dad but I have only once gone ballistic at DSD. Once she shouted at her dad and threw something, and the other time she shouted at me. My immediate reaction was to cut her dead, no one shouts in someone's face in this house, go to your room and do NOT return until you can behave in a respectful manner. After I turned to him and said I'm sorry but no one speaks like that in our home no matter who they are, and he said that's absolutely fine you are 100% in the right. But again never ever shout or use unpleasant language back. Find a super stern cold 'mum tone' for serious tellings off and use it hugely sparingly.

Forget about pleasing this woman. You will never please her, and in fact the more lovely and competent you are, potentially the less it will please her. Look at it from her perspective, she didn't want to raise her kids in 2 homes, have no control over her life and have some random woman be part of that upbringing. It's no ones fault and no one chose it.

They sound like generally nice kids and like you are doing a great job, so just do what feels right and treat them as you would if they were your own. I found that at first DSD cried for mum, but logistics of her being an hour away meant I would comfort her until mum came, so over time she started to look to me instead which is a huge honour. She appreciated me holding her hair whilst she had norovirus............

Honestly it's normal for everyone to have confusing feelings all round and it's a thankless task, but I found over time the reward of DSD and I growing to love each other has been so lovely I will put up with the rest. They sound like nice kids