Change of living arrangements

[Lala1980]

Hello. After some advice, if anyone has been through something similar. Present situation is DP has 4 children who stay with us every other weekend and school holidays. Eldest DSS is 12 and has aspergers and ADHD. He's not severe, goes to a mainstream school, just easily distracted and distracts others etc. He's not the easiest, but his quirks aside, he's not a bad child, just thrives on structure and boundaries at ours, which he doesn't seem to get at home. A little background to his homelife - mum & new DP have new baby together, new partner seems to be pushing the existing kids out. Don't want to assume too much as this is only heresay from the kids, but they don't seem happy. DP's ex texts him the the other day saying she can't cope with eldest child, he is ruining everything for all of them with his behaviour, she is worried about him hurting her or the others, and she wants to put him into care! Surely you can't just drop being a parent when it gets hard I'll try and keep my rage at this under control! He's never exhibited the behaviours she's accusing him of with us - he's not always easy but it's manageable! DP insisted this conversation was conducted face to face and not my text, so they met yesterday, and she basically wants us to have him. This is fine by us, we'd take any of them, but have no experience of the legal necessities of changing resident parents, changing schools mid-term etc, as she just seems to want rid of him ASAP. This must be heart breaking for him, as she has told the poor child to his face that she doesn't want him. Also advice on how to help him adjust after all this. It's scary for me - I have no kids of my own and unsure how this will change the dynamics in our relationship, but this sort of thing is always on the cards if you choose a partner with children. Please don't shoot me down for being scared for selfish reasons, but any advice on that front, worrying that DP won't want me/have no time for me etc when/if DSS comes to live with us. Thank you and sorry it's long.

[Arsenic]

Your DP might want to get a residence order. Or not. He can apply himself, w/o a solicitor.

He might be eligible for Child Benefit and tax credits. Or not.

Besides those things, if a change of school will be necessary, phone the Local authority education dept for help. Does DSS have a statement of SEN?

[Wdigin2this]

Firstly, I think you're very brave to be considering this, and of course if his mother can't/won't have him in her home then he must be with his dad, certainly not in care, but still it will not be easy! Apart from the legal stuff which your DP should sort out, you absolutely MUST sit down with him, giving yourself plenty of time, to sort out and clearly define how things will work! If DSS has difficulties it will be harder, and if you are being put into a co-parenting position you must ensure DP and the child understand and accept that you have equal input, be it to praise or chastise, by getting rid of him his mother has lost the right to deny you this, so stand firm! Please make sure from day one that everything is out in the open, that you have a full understanding of ALL the child's problems/medication/special needs, and when you have that information, make absolutely sure this arrangement is what you want/can live with.....and ALWAYS factor in at least one grown up alone evening per week, no matter what you have to do to achieve it! I have a similar situation, DH has always tried to assuage his guilt for not living with his kids by ridiculously over-indulging them, especially as one is disabled, they're all grown up now but disabled DSD is still treated like a 5 year old by DH?! Having had her to stay occasionally over the years and witnessing the reality of what life would have been, I thank goodness, living with us would never have been an option! Sorry to be so gloomy, but you need to be aware this situation may be rewarding, but it will not be without many problems...forewarned is forearmed!! Good luck!

[Wdigin2this]

PS: Lala, after that long message about what you should think about, can I just say, I really feel for this poor kid too!!

[springalong]

I don't have much to add to your post, but I did want to say this. Children with special needs can present differently in different settings. So your DP's ex is very likely to be telling the truth as are you. If you are not supportive of her position and visa-versa it could make it harder for you all to get help and support (if needed) for your DSS in the future.

[ThatBloodyWoman]

Can't help you with the legalities,but just to let you know that if anyone shoots you down for being scared,they're twats. xxxx

[Lala1980]

Thank you all for your comments. Thank you for your support ThatBloodyWoman - it's hard not to be scared that just before our wedding our whole family dynamic is going to change.
I would agree with you Springalong but we know DP's ex of old and I can well believe this of her. I'm not saying he isn't difficult but a lot of his behaviours are due to the lack of consistency and boundaries n her house that a child with his needs requires...
DP is sorting out schools at the moment. I think I'm sitting back and burying my head in the sand that it might not happen.
Really can't get my head around it until it happens, but praying that it is all okay. Thank you all. x