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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

My stepmum and my kids

11 replies

brightreddress · 11/02/2015 22:19

Hello,

I grew up with my dad, my stepmum and her children (my mother died when I was little). I wouldn't say she was like a mother to me but we were close enough, and obviously she was there all the time I was growing up, though she didn't take primary responsibility for me. My dad obviously really wanted things to work out (and they have) and encouraged me to get her mother's day cards etc. (but not to call her mum or anything).

Fast forward a couple of decades and I have my own very small children. When my eldest was born I put them forwards as grandma and grandpa, as a unit. My eldest loves them both as a result of this. However since then my stepmother has backed off. She has grandchildren by her own kids but her and my dad have become quite divided on this, each going off to see more of their 'own' grandchildren as well as visiting as a pair. I can understand the instincts behind it but I'm not really sure what to do re. encouraging my kids to see her as their grandma if she is not going to be fully involved.

What do you think I should do? I don't want to talk to her about it, that would go badly. It's kind of making it obvious to me that she doesn't really love me and that I am really missing my own mum something I was encouraged to forget as I grew up. It's also making it obvious to me that she will be one of those stepmums who leaves the whole of our family home to her bio children only etc. things I have never thought of as I have just considered them as 'my parents'. On reflection I wish I had taken a more 'dad's wife' approach and then maybe I wouldn't be feeling hurt/confused now.

Any thoughts welcome.

OP posts:

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RandomMess · 11/02/2015 22:22

Do you feel you could discuss it with your dad at all? Just that you feel sad about it etc.?

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brightreddress · 11/02/2015 22:23

Hm not really, he's not good at talking about emotional stuff.

OP posts:

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brightreddress · 11/02/2015 22:24

I discuss it with my DH. But it's really I'm wondering whether my kids are going to get hurt in the long run for loving her fully, and whether I should try and reign them in a little. I.e. if she long outlives my dad and doesn't keep in proper touch with my kids as she might other grandkids.

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thepurplehen · 12/02/2015 07:13

I think there are lots of natural grandparents who arebt that involved. My own dsc have a "step granny". She's not very involved with them but I also notice she's not very involved with her own grandchildren either.

My nan was great, my grandad, not so. I grew up in an unconventional family and I'm now closer to my uncle than my mother.

It does t matter what someone is called, they can be close or not so close and kids can learn to deal with that.

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ChampagneAndCrisps · 12/02/2015 07:19

Going to make a similar point. Both my kids' Gran's are their genetic Grans. My mums not that interested, but DHs is.
However DHs is a bit too strict as a Gran, whereas my mum is more fun - when she bothers.
The kids have got used to it and now prefer DHsum as she is more reliably around.
I'd say just go with the flow.

Would it be wrong to explain that she's not really your mum, but is a good person etc

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MinceSpy · 12/02/2015 07:21

My stepmum is a lovely lady and is grandma to my DC but she isn't very involved ifyswim. The DC accept it for what it is.
The one thing in your post that stands out for me is you miss your mum. No reason why you wouldn't miss her but it does sound as though you never had an opportunity to mourn her passing. Perhaps some counselling would help you work through your feelings and so be able to talk to your dad.

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Queenlizandabottleofgin · 12/02/2015 07:35

It's really hard isn't it. My dads second wife (after my mum) was the same with me and my dd1. As time grew on it just became so apparent that I or dd1 wasn't blood connected so I withdrew. They eventually split up.

Dad is now married to his third wife and after an initial couple of years of 'bonding' it's pretty much she sticks to her own dd and grandchildren which is hard as Df and Sm take her grandchildren to the zoo or holidays and I'll see pictures of them on facebook: I actually haven't seen them both since boxing day. Dd2 (20 months) hasn't got any real connection with either of them.

It used to upset me that why wouldn't someone want to be in my beautiful dc lives? But with support of my DP I've realised that I have my own family unit and that's all that matters. Who actively makes an effort are the only ones that matter.

My cousins dad visits her and her kids every Sunday with out his wife. They aren't really fussed tbh.

I would just go with the flow with out actively encouraging a 'bond' with her. You can't force something that's not there however how hurtful it is.

Regarding family home - it all depends on what your dads will says x

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TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 12/02/2015 07:38

I don't think you should rein the dc in... Mine have three sets of GPs who are all interested in them at vastly different levels. They don't seem to mind (they are very little) but I think children are very perceptive and they will work it out for themselves, and i think it might change as they get older anyway, some people just aren't interested in little children...

And frankly, it's your step mum missing out, not your dc.

I am sorry about your mum

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Finola1step · 12/02/2015 07:39

I grew up with only one Nan who was actually my mum's step mum (was told aged 8). Nan and Grandad had 2 biological children together.

It was very clear from a young age that Nan preferred her "real" gc. I remember thinking aged 8, "Aah that's why Nanny likes them more". I therefore grew up knowing the truth and accepted it.

As the children get older, tell them the truth about your parentage. In an ideal world, it shouldn't make a difference but it does.

I also agree with the pp about mourning for and missing your mum. Maybe you need to know more about her?

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yellowdaisies · 12/02/2015 08:22

I grew up with one set of grandparents I was much closer to that the other. And my own DCs are close to my parents, and to my ex's mum, but ex's dad shows no interest in them whatsoever.

I don't think your DC will have a fixed view of what the relationship should entail just because they call her grandma. They'll just take things as they come and if they don't see your DSM as much as your dad they'll be closer to him.

Sounds more as if you're feeling hurt that she's not really being like a mother to you. I think you do feel a need for a mother more when you have your own DC

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brightreddress · 12/02/2015 08:58

Thank you everyone this is very useful. I'll try to worry less about my kids and what they'll make of it. I suppose I am projecting onto them as I don't want them to feel any of the sadness I felt about having a broken family, but I guess they won't! My family while I was growing up was not sympathetic to what it would be like to have lost my mum as there was so much pressure to make the new family work - it got sidelined. My dad sort of papered over his own emotional cracks and any discussion just sees him breaking down and lashing out. It's not a path I want to go down. There's no way I could discuss his will with him - I'll just wait and see. If anyone else is reading this in the same predicament in the future I have got a very good book called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman which covers having your own kids. x