Help with his ex-wife

[Beckyboomum5]

Hello I know this is a common request but I really need help.

Please allow me to give you some back ground info.

Well I have 2 DC and my DOH has 3 DC. We have been very lucky with all the children as they have always got on and loved each other straight away. Sure we have had the odd scuffle but hey no one is perfect!!

I have managed to maintain a very good co-parent relationship with my ex. We are on friendly terms and do things together with the children. My DD has commented on more than one occasion that she has four parents! Sorry if that sound too sunshine and roses as I know that this is not the normal for most step families.

This is where the happy story ends. My DOH ex is just horrible. Sorry there is no way to sugar coat this. She was very controlling of my DOH when they were married and still thinks that she has sole control over him. She was the one to end their marriage as she had an affair and thought the grass was greener on the other side. It turns out that its not!!

At first she did not bother with me at all as she just thought I was a one-time thing. But when she realised that we were an item this is when she decided to be difficult. At first it was the little things such as demanding that she meets me before I can look after HER children; when before it was not a problem (I was a contvinent babysitter when she wanted to go out and would leave all three with me and she had not even met me)

Then there was a problem with me washing the children clothes when they stayed with us. The youngest still wets the bed and I did not want to send home clothes that where drenched in wee. I was just trying to help. So I did what she asked and put all the dirty clothes in a bag and sent them home. Then I discovered that she tells anyone who will listern that I can not be botherred with my DSS as I dont even wash their clothes when they stay!

When we discovered her new BF was a drug abuser; so we took steps to proect the children - legal eagle all the way. She hit the roof. Claiming that we are harrassing her!! When shown post on his FB accound of him bragging about drug use she told us that we hacked his account an put it there!

So please can anyone give me any advice on how to be reasonable with the unreasonable?

We are planning on getting married this year (we are running away he he) but I am worried that she will do something to disrupted it. She has already tried to turn the children against me. Lyuckly the eldest is wise to her tricks and the youngest one knows his own mind. But the middle child is very torn. Sometimes she shouts at me other times she just crys on my lap. Poor thing is so confuessed.

So please any advice would be gladly accepted.

Sorry for rambling.

[billabong81]

Huge sympathy... I also have to deal with my OHs crazy ex wife. My mother often reminds me "you can't reason with an unreasonable person so don't waste your energy"

When she I making crazy demands, like not washing their clothes I usually just ignore her or kill it with kindness e.g. Text back "is there a particular washing powder you'd like me to use instead?" Usually she doesn't give a straight answer but I just leave it then and ignore because I know I have given her the chance to express any genuine concerns.

Text everything, preferably get your oh to communicate with her. Stay polite and calm and watch the raving looney show lol. Focus on yourself and your actions, what do you think is the right thing to do? Do that, ignore anything unreasonable as you will never be able to do anything right by her anyway and that's her issue.

[Beckyboomum5]

I do try and keep my temper but I am far from perfect. A few times I have risen to the bait. On the whole I am super polite and calm with her. This does drive her mad.

She reported my OH to the police when he confromterd her over allowing her druggie BF have contact with the DSCs
She claimed he harrased her. He was pulled in and made to feel like a crimminal. Lucky his legal eagle came in and put this policewoman in her place. He could prove that the converstation was caused by her and she had only shown them one text. And as the legal eagle said one text does not make a harrassment case.

All communication is made though text, I have told her that I also record our converstations. I had to to protect myself and family. She does not like the fact that I am educated. She would like me to be stuiped and believe everything she tells me.

She fibs over everything and to be honest it does get me down. I would have much more respect if she just told us the truth even if we did not like it.

I just want to to find other ways to protect myself from her negitvness.

Thank you for your advice billabong81

[newstart15]

Completely agree with billabony81, the ex's anger and unreasonable behaviour is coming from her unhappiness and nothing you can do will change that.

I have a similar story - dh's ex left for OM and married him but she wasn't happy and nothing DH & I did was OK. She would fight over everything - we had exactly the same situation re washing. I was very empathic and obliging (for too long!!) which got us no where and then I had a lightbulb moment that made me realise she just wanted to provoke us.

I had to detach as I realise we couldn't reason with her since she didn't want to resolve any issues. We stopped engaging when she was unreasonable (just didn't respond to the blaming emails or texts) and when she was awkward over contact and wouldn't do meditation we went to court so it was formalised.

The ex did eventually divorce the OM and is now with her friends husband and we are no longer her target (although her 2nd husband and ex friend are). We are exactly the same as we always were yet her attitude has changed and suddenly nothing is a problem.

My advice would be - put the children first, act in a way that you will always be proud of and don't engage if she is trying to provoke or escalate issues.

As soon as the children reach secondary school they start to know what is going on. Don't worry what other people think - the ex has spread so many lies about DH and her 2nd husband but people see through it and know what she is like.

[Unpronounceable]

You sound as though you are a loving and caring stepmother so I would just ignore her as much as possible. newstart gives great advice which you should follow.

[TheJingleMumsRush]

What is it with the washing! I once got told not to was DSC stuff as they have sensitive skin, I just send it back dirty, no skin off my nose.

[MeridianB]

Yup, we have endless nonsense with washing. Is it a control thing?

[WestEast]

Sounds like you're doing all you can to be fair. Disengaging from her is the best advice. If she wants to spread rumours, let her. Hopefully she will get bored of the drama in the end.
I loooove my DP's ExW, she's drama free, flexible and a cracking mum and I will be turning to her for advice when I have my own DC!

[CalicoBlue]

There should be no reason for you to have anything to do with her. My Dh's ex is a complete nut job. I stopped any contact about 4 years ago, when I realised she was trying to goad and get involved in our life. She used to make up all sorts of lies about me and DSS would too. Now they do not have the opportunity.

DH has all contact with her, she does not have my number, if she calls the house phone I put it down, she is not allowed in the house and dh does all the drop offs and pick ups.

Get her out of your life, distance will help.

[Nolim]

I have no advice but plenty of sympathy. She sounds out of her mi d.

[concretekitten]

I've not got much else to add than what the others have said but just wanted to let you know I'm another stepmum with a pain in the bum exW in the background, it helps to know we're not alone.
We can't do anything right, I've just stopped caring.
I just try and do what I feel is best for the kids and my family, if she's got a problem with it then she can go and have a rant on Facebook, I really don't care anymore.
I'm a better person than her so why should I care what she thinks or says?

I do think that a lot of her behaviour is down to jealousy, DH and I have what she wants.
She got soooo much better when she met her bf but lately she's become a cow again, clearly her relationship is going tits up n we're the ones who suffer.

Kids aren't daft they work things out for themselves, maybe not now but when they're older n look back they'll work it out x

[concretekitten]

Oh I just wanted to say though I think I'm one of these mums who is weird about washing clothes.
If my mum or mil washed my DC's clothes I would put them straight back in the washing machine, I'm funny about smells n don't like my kids smelling of other houses (my mum has a dog n pil smoke so both smell).

I've never quite had the heart to say "oh you didn't need to wash them, I'll just end up washing them again anyway".

I don't

[Arsenic]

What's the repetitive 'legal eagle' nonsense?

Or are they actually, err, birds?

[billabong81]

Sounds like we're not alone! I don't get told not to wash... She actually started sending their pe kits down too. I assumed they had PE a Friday when oh picks them up so I was washing it, after a few months I found out they have it Wednesday and she was saving it for me!!!

[Beckyboomum5]

Arsenic - Legal eagle is an american term for solicitors! Sorry Its a phrase I picked up along the way.

Well I did start to wash their clothes again as it just makes sense to me. I have to use the good stuff as my DS has all kinds of skin issues!

Its good to know that I am not alone. I do struggle with her and I find her strange in alot of ways.

I have managed to find a good co-parent relationship with my ex. It was bumpy to begin with but we had a common goal - the childrens health and happiness. Now we are more like good firends who have children. My ex has a nice GF who is expecting their first baby together. Again we have work together in helping the children to adapt to this new life event.

I cant see why my DOH ex wont drop all her issues and work towards this goal. I truly love my DSC with all my heart. I do not see my children or his children. I see them as our children.

The eldest wants to live with us, hopefully by the end of this year that dream will come true. The youngest crys everytime he is told its time to go home to mummy. And its not when its with us; he does it when he is with his grandparents. The middle child is having her mind screwed with by her mother. I know this is wrong (as a mother myself I would hate this if it was said about me) but I wish she would just give us the children.

She can then go out every night like she wants to; be with her druggy BF and the children will be safe with us.

Thanks for all the advice and support. Im glad that their was no judgment here.

[Beckyboomum5]

MeridianB - I do beleive the washing is a control thing. She is controlling person.

[hoobygalooby]

My DPs ex is the same about washing their clothes so I don't. Simple.
She also won't allow their clothes to travel between the two houses, they have Mum's clothes and Dad's clothes. Barking mad!!
I get called posh for making the DSC clean their teeth and wash though so maybe she is just against hygeine of any kind!!!
I second what everyone else is saying - DETACH DETACH DETACH!!
Thats the only way to keep sane

[daisychain01]

Hi beck for your sanity I would agree with pp's

Don't sweat the small stuff
Expect the negative your DPS ex seems hell bent on finding things to beat you with and you sound like a reasonable and accommodating person. She probably sees it as a weakness when it is a strength.
As previously said just blank her if the stuff she comes out with is unconstructive "she would say that wouldn't she"

I've had to side step most of what was thrown at me over the years (think hand grenades, scud missiles etc lol) ignore ignore is good advice

[daisychain01]

Becky

[Storm15]

Oh my God....the washing! We had that so many times. DSD's Mum smokes like a chimney (even in the car with kids) hence DSD and all of her stuff smelled like an ashtray. We weren't 'allowed' to wash clothes. Ended up with DSD stripping off when she got to ours, changing into 'our' clothes while Mum's clothes were put in a plastic bag and left in the shed so it didn't stink the house out until it was time for DSD to go back to Mum. Nuts.

It is all about control. If it's any comfort, as time passed, my DH's ex has given up. I send her clothes back clean, she sends ours back clean (and stinking of fags so I wash them again but she doesn't need to know that).

I know it's not a lot of comfort, but time has been the only thing that's improved matters for us. All the senseless drama of the past seems like a distant memory now....thank f*

[Beckyboomum5]

Thank you everyone.

It seems like I am on the right path. No more trying to understand the inner workings of a mad woman! LOL!

I will just keep plodding on with my stuff and hopefully things will calm down.

Thank you all; its nice to know your not alone.