I moved overseas to be with my OH. He's had a breakdown & his ex has BPD - help!

[Seychelles101]

I'm new here so thanks for your honest feedback. I'm sorry this post is really long, but it's such a complex situation - please bear with me!

I met my OH almost 5 years ago and almost a year later agreed to move to his country because he has 50% custody of 2 little girls (aged 4 & 2 at the time). I was in my 40s and had no kids. My OH had been separated for 20 months by the time I moved here & divorced a year. We lived separately for the first year to give us both time to see what it was like living closer to each other, to give the children and me time to get to know each other, to give me a chance to settle into a new country and for him to get over his divorce some more, as his ex has BPD and he had endured so many problems whilst with her. Fortunately I got a transfer with my company, so had full-time work & was independent.

I moved into his house a year later, which he & his ex still owned & had been trying to sell for more than 3 years. From the minute I moved in there I hated it; not the actual house per se, but its location ie the fact that it was on the edge of a 'new' town, that was previously a farming village, in the middle of nowhere, with no trees, where the houses seemed like council properties, all of which was a completely different area from the one I'd left behind in London. l felt as if all the neighbours were originally from that village and knew each other and that coming from a major capital such as London that I simply didn't fit. A lot of my international friends sympathised with me and also wouldn't have wanted to live in this area for the reasons I mention above, so apart from a couple of international friends who'd moved into that area to get a bigger house for less money (even though they don't like the area), I wasn't alone in my feelings.

Finally after a year living in the house, it sold. During that year I started to integrate into the household and to get along with the children, but was relieved when we could move, so that we could move into our own house and to really start forming a stepfamily on more equal footing. My OH and I were getting along still really well and were very happy.

I should mention here that my Partner's ex is complicated. I am sure that she has many good points but the biggest issue is that she suffers with BPD. I'd never even heard of it before I met my OH, but this has resulted in her being in a psychiatric hospital for a short time, having threatened & attempted suicide on one occasion since I've known my partner (& twice more apparently beforehand). She's now in her 4th job in the 5 years I've known my partner, has had problems with every subsequent relationship in which the police are always involved and her life is just completely full of drama & chaos. It seemed as if we'd go from one crisis to the next and because my kids was worried about the children, we'd seem to be involved in her drama too. & I started to see that my OH still lived in fear of his ex. Every time she would demand something he would panic about the consequence if he didn't abide and didn't feel able to stand up to her and couldn't create appropriate boundaries with her, because of the fear of retaliation. It wasn't simply in his mind as I witnessed for myself.

Once the house sold we decided to rent a house 6km down the road from their mum & the school, rather than quickly buying a house, to ensure that my OH felt ok with the move, to see how the school run would go (a 10 minute drive) and how the children were. It had taken 4 years for the house to sell, so we thought that it'd be nice for my OH to be mortgage free for a while too. Rather than suggesting that we move to a city, or any further away from the school/kid's mum, I specifically suggested that we live in this area, so that it would have minimal impact on the children (they could still see their friends & stay at the same school, my OH could get to all meetings or pick the kids up quicky if they were sick and we weren't far from their mum, yet there would be a healthy distance). From my perspective although it wasn't a city, it was an area which had some character and greenery & the people shared more of my values which I thought I could cope with. My partner also felt that it was a fair compromise, although he said that he had wanted to stay in the former village because of the ex & children, but I felt that having tried living there and being so miserable and having moved to this country & taking on the children for half of every week, that this was fair compromise. I'd also had to get rid of my pet after one of the kids were allergic to it which I found traumatic, as it was like a security blanket for me, as I didn't have anything else that was mine when I moved here.

Everything was going along fine in the rental house, the kids seemed happy enough & we lived on a very sociable street with lots of other kids and invited some of the kids' friends from school to sleep over. My partner and I were extremely happy together, asides the problems his ex caused and after a year of renting we found a house to buy.

Towards the end of 2013 however my OH was becoming more & more stressed surrounding events to do with his ex and his mental health was deteriorating. My OH was now seeing a therapist and he suggested that he only have the bare minimum of contact with his ex. The house issue however was brewing because he sensed that the ex had a problem with us living 10 minutes down the road (because in their divorce settlement it had said that they'd live close to each other until the kids went to secondary school, without a specific distance mentioned). Furthermore my OH had originally said when they got divorced 6 years before that he'd move closer to the kids school, but that was before anyone had a new relationship and before the ex had had another child with another man etc. As such the eldest kid started acting up saying that she was really unhappy and each time she'd come over she was very unhappy and would cry and scream etc. She couldn't understand why I couldn't simply drive to this area to see my friends when I wanted to and she wanted mummy & daddy to live closer to each other. The mum started to get involved and started putting pressure on my OH because the daughter was unhappy. I became the problem. In the end my OH had a complete mental breakdown when we told her that we'd bought a house and she flipped out saying that she wouldn't co-parent with my partner any more. She also said that I couldn't be near the children as I was a bad influence and wouldn't put their needs first and the ex's boyfriend became threatening for making his girlfriend angry. The situation was a complete nightmare, with me being totally worried about the kid's emotional well-being after the mum totally 'lost the plot' in front of them (yet) again. Fortunately the kids didn't fall apart from all of this, but my OH did.

Since then my partner has been off work sick for more than a year, was in crisis mode for the majority of 2014 & is only now slowly re-integrating and to make some improvement. He moved out from our place and bought a house back in the next village, just 300m from the kid's mum & school so that she will give him access to the children, so that they don't argue and so that the kids are happy. I've subsequently moved into the house that we were buying. He says that all he needs to do now is to get better, to deal with his traumatic past and to learn how to deal with the kid's mum.

If my OH and I hadn't gotten along so well until his crisis, if I hadn't moved countries and sold my property to be with my partner I think I would have left him by now as his life is so complicated, but try as I do, something seems to keep me here. I also thought we were doing well as a step-family, naturally with the usual step-family challenges. In some ways by not living together I don't have to endure the constant drama that his ex brought into our lives & those of the kids. Sadly at least one of the kids is now in therapy too, but I'm not sure whether I want to live apart from someone for the next 12 years until the kids are old enough. I also miss frequent contact with the kids.

Have any of you ever experienced something similar and what would you do if you were me? Thanks for listening & for sticking with this until the end ;0)

[redredholly]

Hello - I'm sorry but you have to leave. Come back to London, at least on a breather, and have dinner with old friends who you can talk to, and get some perspective. He sounds ok but the situation as a whole sounds completely bonkers and like something you should obviously avoid.

[lapetitesiren]

I haven't really got anything useful to say but what a terrible situation for you. Your oh seems to have let himself be bullied. That poor child has been manipulated. What a shame he didn't feel he could stand up to them. He needs to define some boundaries for himself. Are you in a country where social services would be supportive?

[lapetitesiren]

I am wondering if you are in france which has quite efficient systems to prevent power games over the children but you would need to know how to get them in place.

[CalicoBlue]

How awful for you.

The only way for you to continue your relationship with him is for him to get away from the influence of his ex. This situation has made him ill, but to pander to her requests he had made things worse. You are not being considered in this. I agree with PP, get out, go back to London, see friends and family and get some perspective on the situation, before you get ill too.

[riverboat1]

Wow, that sounds really tough.

I am also living in a foreign country to be with DP who has his DS here. I am extremely lucky in that DSS is a great kid, DP is both a good dad and great partner, and his ex is lovely and we never have any problems with her.

I STILL find it hard at times to cope with the fact that if I want to be with DP, I have to live in this very specific place which a) isn't my home country, and thus isn't where I have my family or most of my friends, and b) isn't an area I would ever actually choose to live in.

Honestly, if I had all the added complications of your situation with the difficult ex and troubled DP I am not sure I would be able to stick it out. The temptation to go back to London, back to my wonderful friends there, back to 'home' and where I have free choice over my own life, more career opportunities...it would all be very, very strong.

Of course the issue counterbalancing all that is that you love your DP, I suppose. Putting the children and the ex aside, how has your relationship with him been over the last couple of years? Are there still good times, does the love overpower the inevitable frustration and stress you must feel?

How much do you miss/think about home? What would be waiting there for you if you went back? Sure, not a relationship, but family, friends, roots, living somewhere you love and feel grounded in...all those things are very important too.

[lunar1]

Is this what you want for your life? It's easy to get caught up in situations like this, but in 20 or 30 years time do you think you will regret spending the prime of your life in a nightmare situation over which you have no control. It sounds like you are doing everything right for other people but who is looking out for you?

[littlemslazybones]

What would I do? I'd cut my losses and get out before I became so entangled in this drama it consumed me.

[Helpfulghoul]

Unfortunately another vote for cutting your losses in this situation. It's sad but it seems like the drama has no natural end in sight (well, possibly when the children reach 18). I wouldn't choose to live like that for the next however many years.

[Seychelles101]

Thank you so much everyone for replying - I really appreciate people taking the time to respond. Yes it is an awful situation - sadly it could almost rival 10 episodes of Eastenders! I got a main acting role without even auditioning :0).

I think it's a little too easy to say that I should go back to London, because I accepted the offer on my property 2 years ago & now I couldn't afford to buy a similar sized place in or near my old neighbourhood, so I'd have to live in a far smaller place, in a not so nice area, away from my family & friends, so in some ways I'd be starting all over again, living outside of London. Also my company isn't hiring people in my department at the moment, so I'd have to quit this one & apply for another. How quick will that all happen? Is the job moment buoyant again now in London? Perhaps it is & I needn't worry & house prices aren't rising so quickly.

Riverboat - lucky you is all I can say & I do understand your feelings too! My relationship with my OH has of course been tremendously affected since he 'collapsed' - is anyone really at their best when they're seriously unwell & in a crisis? But he is very slowly making progress ie this week he has started to do 3 days at the office, albeit for 2 hours at a time, but he was doing 0 hours until relatively recently. I've now been living here in Holland for just over 4 years and now that I've got a base (& a far lovelier home that I could ever have afforded in London - with a garden too), I'm now feeling settled here. Of course the depth of friendships aren't that deep here yet, but I've a big circle of international girlfriends and I'm truly ok. I get back to London about every 4-6 weeks, so that satisfies that desire.

littlemslazybones - you're 100% right, I did become so entangled into all the chaos. With me now living alone however I don't need to be and I can leave all/any of these problems around the crazy ex to my OH (which is where it belongs).

Perhaps from what I understand from all of you is that the OH is the one who is going to have to learn the skills to manage the ex, so that it doesn't influence his & therefore our life. I think that I'm beginning to learn that too. & perhaps I also just need to focus on myself and to stay away from the drama. To that end I'm going to sign up to do a psychology course, alongside work, to see if that's a field I'd like to go into. It'll mean I need to study in the evenings & on the weekends anyway and will give me some perspective on the situation (perhaps the course will focus on 'crazy' people &/or situations ;0)? ).

[highlighta]

What an awful situation OP.

It is quite clear that for the past few years, you have been putting everyone else first and not you. You have made compromises all the way to ensure some sort of a decent lifestyle for yourself, but you haven't come first in any of the decisions.

I don't think that you need to move back to UK in a big rush (as you explained with the housing and work position), but i do think that you are needing to distance yourself from OH and the children and then ex. I do understand that you OH has been ill, and you want to be there to support him, but unless he can sort something out with the ex, nothing is going to change. Even when the girls turn 18 and you live your life waiting for that time to come when you will not have the ex in your lives, she still will be! The girls are about 8 and 6 or so now, that is still another 12 years until the youngest is 18. Can you see yourself living under these conditions for another 12 years at least......?

I think doing a course is an excellent idea. This keeps you busy as you say, and during that time you can withdraw a little from being "an insider" in this situation, to getting a different view of things from the outside...

For me, reading this as an outsider to the situation, i would go ahead and say you need to leave him and his family to get on with things. But its not that easy, you have helped to raise those children and i am sure that you love your OH and don't want to see him like this.

Live a little for yourself OP. You sound like an independent woman, and i regret that you will look back in years to come wonder why you allowed yourself to live under the control of his ex like this...

Good luck Seychelles.

[VenusRising]

I'm afraid I'd leave.
And I've studied psychology and mediation.

It sounds like they are totally enmeshed in their own sorry dance and you were just involved in one waltz.

Come back to your roots. Concentrate on yourself, and regain balance in your own life. Get a pet again, and make inquiries about returning to your home country.

I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I'd draw a line and move on.

[Seychelles101]

VenusRising - I have gotten a pet again; I rescued two elderly cats from a lady who could no longer look after them, so that's great news too ;0)

[Storm15]

Another vote for cutting your losses. Come back for a week or so on your own, stay with friends, investigate house prices, look for a job. See how you feel at the end of the week. My bet is that you'll feel far more confident about leaving.

I fail to see how what you've described will improve much. It sounds awful. I would also imagine that the children bear their own scars from such a traumatic childhood and are soon going to evolve into extremely high-maintenance teens...do you really want to be around for that?

[Seriouslyffs]

Holland is a viable and sensible place to live. (I thought you were in the Seychelles initially)
How old are you OP? Do you want children of your own one day? My take on your situation is that partner drama notwithstanding you sound settled.

[Seriouslyffs]

Sorry. You explained that all.

[Seychelles101]

Yes Seriouslyffs - I am settled now partner drama notwithstanding. I just don't seem to want to let go of the OH. I guess I don't want to be on my own, seeing as all my friends here are in couples (naturally its the same situation back home too). & my OH do still enjoy our time together, although it's a lot less intense right now because he had his crisis .... I took 3 weeks out at the end of last year and went to S America which was great and provided a much needed break ... but here I am still .... Any way thanks to everyone for your thoughts/comments. All really good food for thought. Best wishes to all of you!

[concretekitten]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.
Do you think maybe when your OH is feeling better he will have the strength to move back in with you? Was his decision to move near his ex one that was made when he wasn't coping and felt like it was his only option?

I know your ditustion is more difficult because your oh and his ex aren't well but I'm not sure that I could stay with a man who could let his ex influence his life and his decisions, the fact that he gave in to her demands will only fuel her unreasonableness in the future.
I understand why he moved but for christ's sake you were only living 10 minutes down the road and as a couple you need some distance, especially when his ex is so difficult.
It seems the ex is doing what she can to try and control your OH and prevent him from having a happy life without her.
So he's got to stay living in a house down the road from her (preferably on his own) for the next 12 years?!
I know she's not well but that is totally ridiculous, and giving in to her demands is only damaging her more because it's showing her that her demands are reasonable when they aren't.

If I was in your shoes I'd maybe wait until your OH is feeling more his usual self and then have a talk about your future. Does he intend to stay living there for the next 12 years? Could he take legal action to resolve the issues with ex?

I think it's really important to remember that you're not to blame for this, neither is your OH.,It's very sad that the children are being affected by it but you're not to blame.

You and him have a right to a happy and fulfilling life together, you can do that whilst living 10 mins away from the kids, even further away if u wished. You and he can give the kids love, neutering and support without living in the same village.

My DSC have a very hectic life, a mother who is a bit unstable, has one bf after the other etc. but I really believe that having a dad who is in a stable, loving relationship does the kids good, hopefully we're setting a good example of how relationships can work.

[Seychelles101]

Thank you so much concretekitten - much of what you describe is how I feel. You're right that I'm not to blame and I also think that it's perfectly reasonable to live a 10 min car ride away from the school and mum.

[concretekitten]

Oh gosh I've just read my post back..please don't neuter the kids! Bloody predictive text! I meant nurturing honest lol

Although our situations are different in many ways I can relate to a lot of what you've been through.

DH and I went through a difficult patch at one point, although our relationship was great in many ways I really really struggled to deal with the situation with his ex and the way she managed to control DH (then DP) and our lives. I was ready to walk.
We saw a relationship counsellor n his main advice to us was to concentrate on our relationship and less on the kids because our relationship is the most important thing.
Some people may disagree but by putting the relationship first you're building a more stable life for the kids. Happy parents make better parents.

We're now solid as a rock and nothing his ex does or says bothers us anymore (well maybe just a teeny bit).

But it will take a hell of a lot of strength from your OH to stand up to his ex and do what is best for him. It takes 2 to make a relationship work, he'd need to put 100% in to it so I suppose it comes down to how much he wants it to work.

Do you and him not want any children of your own one day?

[Seychelles101]

Ok cobcretekitten so yes you and I are on the same wavelength here ... perhaps my OH's actions of having moved back to his ex's village rather than us building up our own 'village' makes me wonder where his priorities lie. So yes you're right about my OH having the strength and commitment to our relationship ... I'm in a process to adopt because I'm already 46. Thanks so much for continuing to write. This is really helpful

[Seychelles101]

& concretekitten, do your stepchildren like you & visit you guys? I don't know if you also have them 50:50? & did the ex retaliate when your ex didn't give in to her demands, or pamper to the children?

[JoanHickson]

Your oh has MH issues and dc, your at the end of the list and that's how it will be for years. I would leave if I were you.

[concretekitten]

When DH stopped giving in to her demands she stopped contact and made more demands. In the end she realised she was harming the children and tbh she needed DH, so she let him see them again.
It was really tough for a while, he went months without seeing them.
She still tries to make demands, she's still a wanker but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be and DH now just either ignores her or tells her to F off. He has pretty minimal contact with her, especially now that they've got their own mobiles, it's now much easier.
He doesn't have 50:50 care, it used to be about 40:60 but now they've moved area so is now EOW.
My DSC mainly like me, sometimes not so much. It's complicated really. We used to fine but since me and her fell out I think they've been encouraged to not like me.
We're mostly ok but they're always running back to mum telling tales. I used to care but as long as I know, in my heart, that I'm doing my best and have their best interests at heart then I can sleep easy.

[Wdigin2this]

My first response after reading your post would be....get the hell out of there, but I realise that's not helpful! It seems you are not really a part of this set up, and I would suggest you hold off committing yourself to buying property in the country you're living in, get back to London, rent somewhere for as long as you can take leave from your job for, see your friends socially, then really examine your feelings about being part of this seemingly dysfunctional set up, in a country you don't want live in!

[Seychelles101]

Thank you Wdigin2this - actually I bought a house here in Holland a year ago, so am already living here ... but yes I totally agree that I'm not a part of the set up. As I mentioned to others above, I have in the meantime also got myself some pets again, work is stable and secure (ie I've a permanent contract) and I've started a psychology course too, so I am ok. I am however realizing that this life is really not for me. What would it take? For my boyfriend to distance himself from his ex and to get himself back on track mentally after all he's been through. But what's in it for me during all that time? Nothing. So I'm preparing myself to mentally separate and to go on and find someone new (here in the Netherlands or back in the UK).