Step-Sons and new baby

[AbiBanbury]

So I have two stepsons, 13 & 14 and I'm expecting my first (a girl) in April. I am fortunate in that they are both excited and not resenting it. However, I'm conscious that their Dad always paints an unrealistically rosy picture about everything and know that they're going to struggle with certain aspects of having a baby sibling. Has anyone else experienced the same? Any pearls of wisdom? I had a few questions the last time they were staying about whether she'd be a tomboy (they assumed she would be because she'd have brothers) and whether it would mean Dad would be tired and grouchy (he has been recently because of stress at work)!!! I explained that both of us probably would be but know that my answer probably didn't get the message home enough.

I want to sit down with them nearer to the birth and go through a warts and all on new babies and how this one will potentially affect them (crying, having a fairly rigid schedule that we'll have to work around etc). Their mum is a helicopter mum who's life is all about her kids and they're a similar age with similar interests so are not used to having to consider anyone else apart from themselves. I can foresee that if we say, no they can't do that thing they wanted to because on this occasion (obviously, it's give and take in both directions), it won't work baby-wise, that they're just going to assume its us being unreasonable - and even worse, start resenting their sister. Am I just going to have to accept that this is going to happen or is there something I can do to help them with the transition? Are there any books out there that deal with exactly this aimed at kids? Or any educational videos, websites out there? In reality, it doesn't have to be step-family related because they're not feeling threatened but I guess it could happen....

[DoTheStrand]

My DSSs were 15 and 17 when my DS1 was born and 18 and 20 when DS2 arrived so slightly older. We tried to involve them (and have some cute pics of them with their baby brothers) but the main thing we found was that they found babies quite boring There's much more interaction now they are 22/20 and 5/2. (My two adore their brothers now too - the excitement in the house when they know their big brothers are coming over is lovely).

Looking back DH tried to keep things normal for his older two and spend time with them when they were with us (every other weekend), so I tended to do the baby stuff then, though they were developing big social lives at the time so weren't in as much.

Congratulations btw

[redredholly]

Congratulations!

I agree with previous poster that your DH should still try and do some similar things with them while you take over main baby duties, if they only visit at the weekend. My DH usually takes his older children to the cinema/dinner when they visit and they like it. He also still goes on a short holiday with them without me/us, which they enjoy and means they are not mired in baby stuff all the time they're with us.

It will be fine. You can make a big point of how much the baby loves them. Also babies are very tiring/can be boring and my DSCs responded quite well to me showing weakness. I.e. coming down from feeding baby to sleep for an hour and collapsing on the sofa and saying 'phew.... she's asleep at last! I am exhausted! Now, someone get me a coke and tell me what's happening in the film you're watching' - made them feel we were all part of the same 'grown up' team.

[AbiBanbury]

Thanks guys. Some really helpful stuff here. I know that we've got to keep things as normal as possible for them which is obviously easy because there's two of us so DH can spend time with his DS's while I'm baby duty. I think it's more in the first few weeks when I know I'm going to need his help until I've got my head around it more. Think it's a great idea to emphasise how much the baby loves them and to include them in how knackered I am etc. Do you think it would be a good idea to suggest they put questions/concerns into a hat that we can discuss before baby arrives? Or is that overkill? I just worry that they don't always say if they've got concerns and I want all their concerns listened to before d-day hits!!!

[wheresthelight]

My dsc's were 10 and nearly 8 when dd was born. I had all the same fears despite their apparent excitement.

I personally wouldn't go down the line of making sure dad is always free to do stuff with them. they need to learn to that baby's take a lot of work and that sometimes dad isn't going to be available. We went down the route of dp always being available and me doing everything for the baby and it backfired massively when things started to go back to normal. we had all sorts of issues with dsc's being aggressive and temperamental when dp had to go back to work and I wasn't able to be at their beck and call instantly.

I love my dsc's and they are a fantastic part of my life but as a newborn dd's needs were more than theirs and as such my time priorities were heavily weighted towards her.

we still did stuff like go to the park etc but it did mean that they couldn't stay as long because dd needed a feed or nap pr because the local park was on the top of a hill and it was bloody windy!

I wish we had just been "normal" rather that trying to go out of our way to over compensate for dd's arrival as it would have been a whole lot less stressful!

[AbiBanbury]

That's really interesting. How are they now? Do you still have issues with aggressiveness? I guess its about getting the balance right and making sure that we're checking in with DS's really regularly to reassure them that any time spent with DC does not mean they're not important and not loved. God, it's a minefield!!

[wheresthelight]

they are fine now and they absolutely adore dd.

the aggressiveness was towards me luckily not dd but it was horrible and was definitely the worst period of my life. dss wouldn't even acknowledge my existence, refused to eat anything I cooked, if he did speak to me he was rude and obnoxious. dsd would copy but to a lesser extent.

it is indeed a minefield

[AbiBanbury]

Yeh, that's no fun at all. Really hard to deal with. Like you say, much better you and not DD but still really hard. Really glad all is good for you all now though

[wheresthelight]

there were points where I genuinely considered leaving dp and bringing up our dd alone because of it all. I am glad now I didn't but it was awful.

I think there is a very fine line between you taking on all the baby care so dp/dh has time with his kids and them appreciating it and them feeling like now you have a baby you don't care about them any more.

I think for my dss he saw it as me not wanting to know him anymore and he was hurt, confused and scared. it was really hard to keep that on mind when he was hitting me and calling me names or just ignoring me.

I do understand why others advise to back off and let their dad take the lead with them but I also think you need to see the other side that sometimes that really is the wrong thing to do.

At the end of the day you and your dh know the kids and need to make a judgement call on it but just bare it in mind

[DaddyDavid]

Congratulations

I think that if your two are like mine they will get pretty bored of the baby quite quickly but when they speak and get a little bit older they will have more of a relationship.

[AbiBanbury]

God, you really did have an awful time. You poor thing. I do take on board what you're saying. It's amazing how your intentions can be 100% for the benefit of dsc's but if they're feeling insecure and scared about the situation, there's that danger that they will misinterpret anything as a rejection. I know I duck out of activities sometimes to ensure dss's get time with dh but sometimes they say, aren't you coming, and I have wondered whether they take that as a rejection of them. I think I'll def have a chat with them before dd arrives and talk it through with them. Overcompensation is always a dangerous game.

I know dh used to overcompensate with ds's and when he started to deal with his guilt issues and started to be clearer with boundaries etc, there was a mighty load of difficult behaviour (but nowhere near what you've experienced). I think they still struggle with the fact that he's trying to take on more of a father role than a 'mates' role but it's got a bit better.

It's also important that they grow up with as balanced a view of homelife as possible. Otherwise, when they have a family, it will be skewed slightly. That's what persuaded dh to change his approach when he realised that he could be setting up ds's future partner to be the parent who did all the hard graft while ds's just thought their role was to have fun with their kids. I guess we need to apply the same thing with this without detracting from their limited time with their dad.

[wheresthelight]

kids are funny sods at times!! We did everything that gets recommended on here wrt introducing the kids to the baby and making sure they got plenty of time alone with dp etc and it still went wildly wrong!

timing was crap to be honest, dp's mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer the day before i was induced and although we were told she had 6-12 months she only lasted 9 weeks. The kids worshipped her but she wouldn't let them in to see her whilst she was hooked up to machines and barely conscious as she didn't want them to remember her like that. We did take them in once some of the drips had been removed and DSS found it very hard to handle so i think part of his reaction was to her illness and death and I was just an easier target to be angry at.

dss struggles to handle his emotions at the best of times and he becomes very withdrawn when he is unsettled which is why his aggression towards me was so hard to handle as no one had ever seen him be like that before. He is a stupidly smart kid and i think that people expect him to cope better as a result but they forget that he is still a kid.

[ProbablyJustGas]

My DSD was 7 (nearly 8) when DD was born. We were honest with her and said it might feel like we loved DD more than her, because there would be times we'd have to pay more attention to her, but that it wasn't the case that we loved DSD any less. We also made sure she had her own room, and emphasized that when she wanted privacy and space from her sister, she would be totally allowed to retreat to it.

She still had to be reminded of this all after DD arrived, but at least she felt like she could speak directly about it with DH. A heads-up was worth doing, I think, because she'd been an only child in our house and at her mum's house for so long. And because we'd brought up some potentially negative feelings for discussion, I think she felt like she was allowed to feel that way in the first place (she's a classic People Pleaser - will say whatever you want to hear unless you give her permission to grouch).

[ProbablyJustGas]

She was upset with us when we had to leave a wedding early because of DD; I think DSD would have loved to stay up late and party with the grownups. But DD was very tired by then (and DSD had a broken ankle and couldn't really party anyway). We've also had to skip out on some previous family traditions (like seeing a public Xmas tree lighting) because, at the time, it conflicted completely with DD's bedtime. But they do get over these resentments. Babies change quickly, and the ways that everyone is limited don't last forever.

DH setting aside some time to spend with DSD just after DD was born really helped, I think, because she didn't feel completely pushed out or less important to him. Just try to set up someone else to look after you on that day, otherwise you might feel hormonal and a bit neglected, like I did.

[AbiBanbury]

Thanks ProbablyJustGas. Sounds like you had a really balanced approach which is what appeals. It reiterates just making sure there's an open dialogue to raise anything if they feel unhappy. However, it does mean you have to check in, especially if they're people-pleaser types!

[redredholly]

It's very true what JustGas says about hormones after the birth. This is a rational discussion but immediately post-partum and in the following weeks/months your hormones may well throw all this out of the window. You'll have a very strong animal need to have it shown to you that DH is there to look after/protect you, which, coupled with extreme tiredness, can make step situations harder.

[farmerhana]

My DSS was 9 when DS was born. Apart from being deathly afraid of dropping him, we've been brilliant. Best thing is to get your DSS's involved with her. We haven't had the usual temperament problems because by getting him involved, he feels important. Bath time together, pushing the pram, helping feed and prepare things for DS has really helped them bond. DS (now 6 months) rolled over and hurt himself today, and DSS was nearly distraught because he thought he could have prevented it. DH takes time in the evening to spend just with DSS, normally at bedtime, so he still gets one to one time too (I have also had to deal with the 'Daddy guilt, OP, so know where you're coming from). When I was stuck nursing, DSS would even offer a sandwich (with holey buttered bread ??) and was a blessing. Encourage the older children bond, and the rewards will be reaped. Good luck!