nits again

[wheresthelight]

Kids have been bloody riddled again and yet again mum claims they were clear when she last had them (xmas day) I noticed boxing day that dsd was scratching like mad so checked her and she was riddled - took over 200 lice and god alone knows how many eggs. lice were young and full adults so there is no way she was clear 24 hours earlier.

Dp is adamant she isn't checking or if she is actually has no idea what she is doing. we can't keep using chemicals sue to dsd's eczema.

without sounding like a complete bitch how do we get her to realise the severity? she often refuses to deal with them even if she does see lice as she says her hairdresser tells her not to bother. how done approach it without looking twats to try and educate her over what she is looking for and how to manage it?

my hv says I need to report to SS as it's low level neglect along with other repeatedly ignored health issues, but that strikes me as a massive overreaction

help!!

[FannyFanakapan]

id agree with the HV...it is neglect. especially if other health issues being ignored.

[LineRunner]

I am struggling with the idea that social services would somehow look into a case of nits.

What else is going on? Could your partner deal with the health issues via the GP surgery himself?

[wheresthelight]

fanny I agree but apparently they do if it's an ongoing issue and the rp isn't dealing with it appropriately but as I say it's a route I am disinclined to go down unless as an absolute last resort

last we have but dss requires medication to be administered daily and she just doesn't do it and although he is 11 he needs reminding to do it or he forgets. it's an incredibly severe fungal infection in his feet and toe nails which looks like it has spread to dsd so he will be making them both an appointment on Friday when they are back with us but unless their mum actually applies the stuff then it has no effect.

[wheresthelight]

line sorry not sure where last came from!

[MeridianB]

Wheres, that is a sad state of affairs. No wonder you are worried.

Presumably the fungal infection is contagious - do you know if the mum is also taking precautions to prevent further infection/reinfection in bathroom etc? If not then she/they (now you and DP) can pick it up from each other. These things have the potential to get really nasty if left untreated, possibly leading to cellulitis etc.

The school needs to know if they do anything barefoot, too.

[wheresthelight]

meridian - i have no idea whether she is or not but I would hazard a guess at not. dsc's share a bedroom at her and boyfriends house though so not forced to be the shower iyswim. here I make sure it is cleaned out after they have used it (mind after everyone has) so hopefully it won't spread here.

I only know because dsd said her shoes hurt and when she took her socks off her nails were so long they were starting to curl under so I had to trim them.

[LineRunner]

Do you live close enough to their schools to have them to stay more often? You could get them into more of a self-sufficient routine, so they can start looking after their own needs better. At 11, your dss really should be able to start learning about a daily routine. He will have all sorts of problems at secondary school otherwise. This could include applying medication, and getting in the bath / shower and combing through with conditioner. I think I would personally explore this route.

As regards the immediate problem, could you make a daily reminder phone call about his medication?

The only alternative seems to be having it out with their mother - have you tried this yet? I'm guessing there's a reason why no progress has been made on this front.

[wheresthelight]

we have tried and failed on several occasions to have it out with her. when dp's mum was alive she even wrote her a letter begging her to treat the kids but all she does is start refusing contact. I have sent stuff home with them and bought them tea tree spray and taught them to us it but she took it off them and won't let them use it.

we would happily have them more but she refuses (she would get less money if we did).

Dp had it out with her again last night and just got told they were clear when they left her xmas day so she doesn't know what the fuss is about.

I am half inclined to frog March up there and comb dsd's hair in front of her when I find them again and show her exactly what she is doing to her kids.

I kid you not dsd's nails are full of blood and god alone knows what else from scratching.

Dp has demanded that dsd's hair is cut to shoulder length so it is easier for her to self manage but his ex threatened to have him arrested for assault if he dared. not sure they actually would but she would certainly stop all contact which puts the kids at more risk imo

[PeruvianFoodLover]

Wait until school starts and draw the issues to the attention of the school staff.

They can decide if it's "neglect" or just "different parenting styles" and make the appropriate referrals.

Also, mention to the Dr that the treatment prescribed won't be sustained at Mums house; not in an accusatory way, just a matter of fact manner.

In cases of neglect where parents are separated, it often needs a third party to independently report the problem because allegetions from the other parent are usually dismissed as malicious.

[redredholly]

Hi! We have nits here again too, DSC also 11. Every time we treat them but they 'magically reappear'. It drives me bonkers!!!! How can you not treat nits on a child you live with?!

[redredholly]

where'sthelight - my dsd's mum is very similar, but not quite as bad. It's so weird, and not like anyone I've ever met before.

[LineRunner]

OP, can your DP not pursue 50/50 residency?

Meanwhile I agree with Peruvian about asking the school staff for support. And try to teach the dsc as much routine as you can. As I said earlier, an 11 year old should be able to start to have a daily routine. Do the kids themselves gave much awareness of the problem, e.g. through peer pressure at school?

[wheresthelight]

we will talk to the schools and see what they say but no the 11 yo is a typical boy and no awareness whatsoever unfortunately!! as I have said above we have tried to teach them the routine if the repellent spray and combing through daily but when mum refuses to allow it it is putting the kids in a very awkward position which is going to cause them greater issues emotionally I think.

I have suggested he goes for 50/50 with week on week off but it would end up back in court as she will never agree to it. he had to do battle to get the access he has!

to give you an example, in mediation she complained that she did the bulk of the childcare due to dp's shift pattern (nights on rolling 3 on 3 off) so after speaking to me dp offered to increase it and the mediator suggested eow and a night in the week. exw hit the roof because she didn't want me looking after her kids when he was at work/asleep - the mediator basically told her that she couldn't bitch about having too much childcare and then refuse when he offered to have the kids more so I can only marvel at the bs she will come out with at the suggestion of 50/50 but it is definitely something I will suggest he thinks hard about and emails to her as an option as she appears to be "struggling to manage to deal with nits and fungal infections" although I am sure he will word it more diplomatically!

[PeruvianFoodLover]

she appears to be "struggling to manage to deal with nits and fungal infections" although I am sure he will word it more diplomatically

Unless you have independent support for that statement then she can just deny it - a difference in parenting styles is easy to dismiss.
If you want to change the care of the DCs due to her inability to do so, then professionals need to be involved.

[wheresthelight]

I know Peruvian as I said he will be far more diplomatic and political than me! if it was up to me I would just refuse to hand them back to her as she is clearly not putting their best interests first.

she made a huge song and dance about wanting them for new years eve and then because her boyfriends kids have now decided to go to their mum's (he is rp) she has said she doesn't want them so is demanding they come to us as he won't have them in the house when his kids aren't there.

the whole thing is really odd with her. I have tried to be friendly and friends of sorts as it is better for the kids but she refuses to eveb speak to me these days and have no idea why as I have never been anything but nice to her.

I have always bought extra nit stuff and taken it over when dropping the kids home and just said she may as well have the rest as they will need doing again in a week, when dsd had impetigo and couldn't have the chemical stuff we took her to gp to check what was best way to deal with it and we passed on all the info gp had given to mum who basically told me she wasn't wasting her time combing through dsd's hair every other day when she will just get them again. we did tell the go at the time about our concerns etc and it has been logged so if needs be there are records of our concerns and we will be taking them Friday for the fungal infections and dp is going to discuss it again with the gp and ask them for their professional help.

under normal circumstances I would agree it is different parenting styles but this is so much more than that.

[CalicoBlue]

Sounds awful for the kids.

Do you take photo's? I think you should start documenting this, if you do need to go for 50/50 or residency you will need to show what has been happening.

If she will not let dsd cut her hair, can you teach her to tie it back, that might help.

Does make me wonder what their mums Dp's kids are like, are they being neglected too?

[benfoldsfive]

I speak with experience.


Treat her with treatment and throughly comb at every visit . Even if you only see dsc once a week this will help to get on to and get rid of them totally. even if the bedding hasn't been washed at mums. New hatchlings take 7 -10 days to become laying adults. if the mother has nits, then off course she can repeatedly catch them. So the only way is to spend the first hour to see them combing with a nitty gritty comb. This will solve the problem for your dsc. if you think she is being neglected you will need more than nits. Also the courts will say, in the week that you didn't see her over Christmas she contacted 200 nits? probably not. They will question why you didn't notice on the previous visit and treat them your self?

[wheresthelight]

bens I comb her through with conditioner every time she is here because the chemical treatments set her eczema off and ends up leading to impetigo. unfortunately this method relies on it being done every other day and being done thoroughly and mum just flatly refuses.

I think we will have to start taking photos every time to prove the extent. the first time I realised how bad it was (did think my late mil was just being bitter about it at first) was when I was sat across the room and realised I could see them crawling in her fringe. I took her to the pharmacy and showed the pharmacist as I was hoping they had some stronger stuff or better ideas and she was disgusted that she could see hthem crawling through her hair from the other side of the desk.

trust me when I say getting just 200 odd off her is a small amount and the reason we hadn't noticed before is because ex keeps cancelling contact during the week claiming it is "extra" so she doesn't have to allow it

[benfoldsfive]

Oliver oil and a shower cap or clung film will smother them just like Hedrin. we had the same issue and we were asked why if we couldn't rid outr dsc of them when we had them every 7 days what made us think the mother could. Seriously.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

There are a lot of people in these DCs lives who seem to be turning a blind eye to what you are describing, OP.

There is no way a responsible school should ignore the level and frequency of infestation you have described, and a family Dr also has a duty of care to refer to social services. I'm familiar with a number I'd cases, less severe then you describe, in which the families were actively encouraged to accept a CAF.

Does your DPs ex hold a position of responsibility that blinkers the professionals to the reality of the situation? It can happen - if she's a teacher, Dr, or social worker herself, there's a level of professional courtesy extended that means children can be let down badly by the system.

Does your DP have parental responsibility? If so, I suggest he applies for an emergency residence order as soon as possible, taking a nit-invested child with him to the court - if a pharmacist was disgusted, then it will be enough to convince a judge to act.

[wheresthelight]

Peruvian I think the school is just overwhelmed to be honest! dsd has had 3 new teachers since September due to various issues in her class and to be honest when she had a massive water infection and was wetting 3-4 times a day they never noticed despite the horrific smell so I don't expect they will have noticed! dss is at secondary so with a different teacher every hour again I wouldn't expect them to notice either although it will be something I think dp will be raising when he goes on next week.

she doesn't have a job like you describe but she is an accountant so comes with a certain prestige if you like. but she has lived in our very small town her whole life, she knows all the teachers as a lot have come back to teach at the school etc and outwardly she is respectable and I guess no one wants to believe it of her.

Dp does have PR and as much as I agree an emergency care order may be the way to go I also think the long term psychological welfare of the kids needs to be taken into account and I not sure ripping them away from their mum in that way is something he would consider. as I say my answer would be to keep them and ring SS and the cops and explain why and let her go through the checks to prove us wrong.

it's really hard! as others have said although my hv and the gp agree the infestations etc are bad it is still a case of he said/she said and in some respects I would rather we found a way to support her by looking at 50/50 custody or just an extra night in the week so we can treat the nits more effectively and at least get a few nights a week where these anti fungal creams are used thank risk the long term destruction of their relationship with either parent.

there is still a huge risk that despite dp and I potentially doing it because it is what is best for the kids they won't see it that way and it would destroy their relationship forever

original catch 22! if we don't and the neglect gets worse then we are just as culpable and we do and SS say it's nothing then we lose them anyway

[Weathergames]

Sorry to resurrect this thread but I need a good rant about this too.

OH saw kids after school last Tues they were riddled he told EW after he tried to do it at hers (before she came back from work - 3 hrs late pissed) but there was no conditioner.

Picks them up Friday and brings them here for the weekend (I also have DC). The has done absolutely nothing about it Tues to Fri. They have gone to school, childminders and then home to ours.

Obviously both totally infested and took several hours on both heads.

Returned them Sunday Eve with conditioner and asked her to do them again yest and he has them today as off work.

She had done fuck all about it. It's driving me nuts, for them but also the risk of us all becoming infected. Our house is several hours drive from theirs but OH works in same city in the week - so we only see each other weekends.

I am almost at the point of saying if they are infected with nits then he will have to just see them there for the weekend and stay there and forego seeing each other, taking them out sat and sun and returning them in the evening meaning she won't be able to go out on the piss.

What the hell do we do?!

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

I'd contact Children's Social care, if she is neglecting to remove the head lice, coming home pissed, she is clearly failing to provide proper care for them.