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First xmas with step-father

7 replies

mumatha · 19/11/2014 13:23

Hi All

I've split with my husband and so this year for the first time in their lives our two sons, age 15 and 10, will not be spending Christmas with him and myself. Instead we need to negotiate a decent, fair and hopefully relatively easy arrangement which will allow them to spend time with me and my new partner, their step-dad to be, in our home, as well as with their father in their old home. And just to complicate things further, my mother lives 50 miles away, has recently been widowed and refuses to be anywhere other than in her own home for Xmas, and of course, we will all want to spend some time with her! Help!

OP posts:

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wheresthelight · 19/11/2014 13:43

Xmas day with you, dp and your mum and boxing day with their dad and then swap next year?

although the kids are old enough to decide themselves what arrangements they want so have you asked them?

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HesNotAMessiah · 19/11/2014 13:48

got to one house on xmas eve, have a swedish/danish xmas eve - presents and dinner then back to other house for presents and lunch/dinner.

Fit mother in around that.

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robotroy · 19/11/2014 14:28

We try to split the holiday in half, this usually means one has Christmas and the other has new years. For us it's simple when it's not our Christmas as we just have a second Christmas on one of the days we have DSD, trust me she doesn't mind one bit. We send some presents to open on the day and talk to her on the phone.

Its very hard of course in the first few years when you don't have them on the day. But over time believe it or not you start to enjoy your grown ups Christmas, and after a bit more time again you don't feel so guilty about that!

I don't disagree that the days could be split the way the others suggest and it depends what works best for people but for us that splits the holiday awkwardly and it's more important to us to have a good long time than to have her asap after the actual day. We do the same with her birthday, it's just branded 'Christmas part 2' and is every bit as lovely to me.

Having to go through court to get all this makes me just want to say to you what a great parent you are to want to sort this out in a nice way, I think lots of talking will help, I hope you have a great time.

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ProbablyMe · 19/11/2014 14:38

We split Christmas and New Year and alternate years. So we have Christmas and Christmas 2 each year. So far so good.

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purpleroses · 19/11/2014 17:31

I've found moving late afternoon from one household to the other works OK if you're local (ie not going to your mun's). Do you have siblings who'll be going to your mum's or do you feel you need to go yourself?

If you do go to hers, then ask your ex if he'd be happy with Boxing day this year and Christmas next year (or vice versa).

I did also use to have an arrangement with my ex that I did Christmas and he did new year (until his DW objected to having my DCs EVERY new year... :( ) But doubt that would work with the age your DCs are - as they'll probably want to be out with their mates at new year.

You can do a family celebration of Christmas and give presents and have a special meal on a day that's not actually the 25th December.

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riverboat1 · 19/11/2014 20:32

Basically you either try to split the Christmas period so one parent has the kids for Xmas run up and the other has the aftermath, and the kids do two Christmases on e.g. 25th and 26th, or similar. This is what we do because it is what DSS wants. Or, you decide that one of you has the kids for the whole Xmas period, and you alternate each year.

DSS is always with us in Xmas run up and goes back to his mum's Xmas day morning. It works as traditionally his dad's (my DP's) family have always celebrated on the evening of 24th, and his mum's family always celebrate on 25th (and the whole overnight Santa thing doesn't really happen here in France in the same way as the UK).

If we want to fit in my family in the UK, it means doing an overnight drive. We once did up to the 25th in the UK at my family's and then drove overnight to have DSS back for the 26th at his mum's where they did a delayed Christmas on Boxing Day.

Honestly it is complicated sorting out Xmas when you have family a way away and multiple families/stepchildren to consider. I have accepted I am never going to have the Christmas of my choosing, it's more about trying to fit in the maximum of what fits everyone else and making considerable travel sacrifices to accomodate it! I''m taking a plane on the 25th this year...