Hate my partners kids

(279 Posts)
nataliemej Sat 08-Nov-14 23:30:24

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

SandorClegane Sat 08-Nov-14 23:31:55

If you don't like kids choose a partner with no kids.

Hth

PacificDogwood Sat 08-Nov-14 23:34:37

There is no way to speak to him about spending less time with his children and more time with you without looking like a bitch. Really, there isn't.

You either accept that his children will come first (as they should), always, or you get out of the relationship.

nataliemej Sat 08-Nov-14 23:35:49

I love this man though I don't like kids but I have really tried over the years to accept them but they are really rude and have no manners and he never tells them about the way they speak to me I just have to put up with it, I feel like I'm resenting them more because he will not sacrifice even a day on the weekend once every blue moon to spend it with me

pieceofpurplesky Sat 08-Nov-14 23:37:20

Accept his kids or leave. If he is a decent man they will always come first.

springlamb Sat 08-Nov-14 23:37:25

Why's it taken 5 years for you to get to this point?
Unfortunately you have somewhere between 5-8 years before it's likely the situation will resolve itself. Can you deal with that?
If not, you'd best consider your future.
I cannot say LTB because he's not, he's living up to his responsibilities. If they were your children you'd be pleased and proud that they had this father who will not change plans and let children down.

nataliemej Sat 08-Nov-14 23:37:35

I accept the fact the kids will always come first they are is flesh and blood but would be nice to see him other than on a night after work when we watch corrie then go to bed

WorraLiberty Sat 08-Nov-14 23:37:37

It's fine to hate children (although hate is a very strong word).

Strongly disliking children and not wanting any of your own does not make you an evil or selfish person.

However, it does make you a very foolish person to have a relationship with a man who has kids.

SpuffySummers Sat 08-Nov-14 23:37:54

Kids aren't stupid, they pick up on hostile vibes and if you're anything like your posts theres no wonder they behave the way they do.

justmuddlingalong Sat 08-Nov-14 23:38:05

"*its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids*" That makes it far from perfect in my book. Why have you lived like this for 5 years? What's changed recently or have you always felt like this?

PacificDogwood Sat 08-Nov-14 23:38:32

Yes, you do have to put up with it.

His children, his rules.

They did not ask to be spending half their week with either parent - I am afraid what you want does not really come in to it.

If he or they wanted to change things, that's a different matter.
I don't see how you can, other than stepping away.

CountingThePennies Sat 08-Nov-14 23:39:12

Life is way too short for this.

Find someone more suited to you.

Things will never change, this will be your life if you stay with this man

Catsarebastards Sat 08-Nov-14 23:42:24

This sounds familiar. With some details changed. hmm

nataliemej Sat 08-Nov-14 23:42:45

I do not mean for this post to sound as bitchy as it does I have stayed with him because i have been trying and trying to get used to them and get on with them but I am now at my wits end all I want is not to let them down but maybe one fri night spend it with me not every week not even every month just now and again the mum is happy to have them at weekend one day a week but he wants them all the time I dont think I am asking for too much

PacificDogwood Sat 08-Nov-14 23:44:29

YANBU to want more time with your partner, but YABU to expect him to reduce his time with this children.

Truly, suck it up or leave.

Oh, really, Cats?? Hm.

CountingThePennies Sat 08-Nov-14 23:45:56

Your not asking too much at all.

But i think hes showing you who has priority in his life and it seems that you are way down the list

justmuddlingalong Sat 08-Nov-14 23:46:10

Have you asked him to spend time together, before?

MozzchopsThirty Sat 08-Nov-14 23:46:47

I'm going to go against the majority here.

As a divorced parent I believe that myself and my ex have a right to an adult life away from the kids including weekends and holidays. We share these equally.

I think your partner and his ex are both being terribly selfish, why should you have to put up with two badly behaved teens every weekend, not go anywhere, not enjoy long lie ins or nights out.
The answer is you shouldn't.

He's a good father maybe (although their poor behaviour suggests otherwise) but he's not being a good partner

Some of the self riteous shite on this thread is unbelievable

ICanTotallyDance Sat 08-Nov-14 23:48:23

Was this situation better 5 years ago? What has happened now that you are seeking advice?

PacificDogwood Sat 08-Nov-14 23:48:35

The question was whether there is any way that the OP can get him to change his priorities: I don't think there is.

Coffeeinapapercup Sat 08-Nov-14 23:48:35

You are asking way too much. His kids quite rightly come first. If you can't muddle on amd find a way to get along in with them why should they get along and fit in with you.

Walk away

Inertia Sat 08-Nov-14 23:50:15

Well , the weekends are not going to change - he is putting his children first , as he should. You embarked on this knowing he had children , so you need to be the adult here and work to improve the relationship with the children, or move on.

You can always start spending more quality time together during the week- can you take time off work together ?

Smukogrig Sat 08-Nov-14 23:54:08

i find your honesty refreshing. but the relationship will be hard work and the children won't go anywhere (and nor should they obviously).

Catsarebastards Sat 08-Nov-14 23:55:44

Yes pacific. Add 5 years to ages of dcs and the length of marriage and OP sounds very much like a MNer who used to post about hating stepDcs but swung violently between it all being the ExWife's fault for having MH issues and the DH's fault for being spineless. Cant remember that posters most recent name but her first username was the same as this OP.

Could be wrong.

If i am then OP hating someone is a very strong indication that you shouldn't be living with them. Your DH wont be asking his DCs to leave for you.

needaholidaynow Sat 08-Nov-14 23:55:49

OP I can understand where you're coming from but those in "together" families never get a break apart from when they can get a babysitter. I can understand why that situation would be a lot easier to deal with though, as they are your own children.

If DP and I didn't have our own children together then we would have every other weekend to do as we please (when dsd is with her mum) But i wouldn't change my children for the world and I would never wish them away, your DP is most likely feeling the same way.

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