Where to go from here?

[FishesTit]

I don't really want to make this an epic essay so will try not to drip feed whilst being as brief as I can!

Dsd is 11 we have shared care 3-4 nights a week. I have been with my dh since she was 3 (dh and ex gf broke up 2 years previous to my existence)

The issue we have now is that over the years she has become more and more inclined to have tantrums, recently after asking her to finish her school work she threw a fit which resulted in her kicking me and scratching my face.

My dh whilst agrees her behaviour is unacceptable says it's normal pre teen stuff. I disagree.

When she goes into one of her episodes you cannot do anything with her, she shouts screams slams doors is very rude calling me a bitch and telling me she hates me. All her anger is directed at me even though it was her dad that has asked her to do something.

Consequences don't work, she doesn't care, she won't go to her room when asked she just sits and screams 'no you can't make me'. She shows no remorse the next day and will often give her dad and I attitude.

Her mum has had similar issues with her, my problem is I now have anxiety whenever she is due to come home to us. She wants attention 24/7. She does get a lot of 1-1 time and we talk about all sorts of things. To be honest lately all we seem to talk about is how she's had a crap day at school because no one likes her. Usually DSD and I get on very well though in our house I am far more strict on boundaries etc.

I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to help an obviously very unhappy girl and I don't know how to get dh to see she needs some sort of help, that it's not a dig at his parenting more getting her help to cope with how she's feeling.

Ok that wasn't brief..sorry!

[Maroonie]

its not normal, she is clearly unhappy. We had similar- turned out that things in dss's other house were really difficult and sometimes violent and we ended up with the fall out.
She needs reassurance and consistency and if you can get your partner on board get the GP involved for a referral to someone trained.

[FishesTit]

We have seen the GP but dh is reluctant to accept the referral

[SpuffySummers]

I think it needs to be "nipped in the bud" so to speak before she hits her teen years. Do you suspect anything at home? I say this as your DSD sounds similar to me at that age, and I grew up in a MC but alcoholic and physically/emotionally abusive home that was well hidden (I reached out to other adults twice and my mother covered it up so I wasn't believed) Now I am not saying that is definitely the case but its worth ruling out if nothing else?

[Maroonie]

It's worrying that he doesn't want I accept the referral. Why is he stopping his daughter getting help? Her behaviour could be a cry for help and it's being ignored by an adult she should be able to trust. Poor girl

[FishesTit]

I feel like I've hit rock bottom, ultimately its dsd parents that decide which course of action is best for her. I'm tired of fighting her corner by saying shes unhappy. Dh listens to me but then does nothing I wish he'd just tell me to F off at least I'd know where I stood.

I have such conflicted feelings now towards dsd, on one hand I can see she's unhappy and acting out and on the other she's such hard work I resent her being with us now.

She's not had any boundaries and up until now barely any discipline. If she's rude to me I deal with it there and then it's my home too and I don't believe I should suck it up.

I want to like her, I really do care about her I just feel so overwhelmed by everything.