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Step-parenting

Wills and inheritance and all that stuff...

10 replies

loopylou9 · 25/10/2014 14:50

I'm just wondering what other families do about leaving their DC, DHs, DSC inheritance when they are no longer here?

So in a 'normal' family set up I understand that the way it would usually work is one parent dies, their husband/wife inherits everything and then when that parent dies it is divided between their children.

However, how do you work things in a step family?

We got married this year and I know we really need to put something in place to make sure if anything happened to either of us everybody is looked after.

We don't actually have much, we own a house but it has no equity in it. DH has a fairly decent pension (for his age) so there would be some money from that. Am I right in thinking that automatically goes to me as his wife?

I have very little in my pension. Neither of us have any savings, just a few hundred 'rainy day fund'.

We need life insurance don't we?

I have a child from a previous relationship (his Dad isn't involved much), DH has two children from past relationship, we have one child together.

I have a few concerns...

  1. if I died would DH be able to keep my DS? We've been together since he was a baby and his Dad is a bit of a loser. tbh I don't think his dad would try and fight for custody but I just want to have something official.

  2. If I died I want my children to have some inheritance. Even if it's just a few thousand to help put them through uni or put towards a house deposit.

  3. If DH died I want something to go to his DC. If I inherited all his pension what's to stop me spending it all and they are left with nothing from their Dad?

    As you can probably tell I have no idea how things work and what is available to look after people. I have no idea who I see to sort for advice. A solicitor? financial advisor?

    Just wondering what other people have in place and how you would split things if anything happened.
OP posts:
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partyskirt · 25/10/2014 19:20

Interested in this one...

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wheresthelight · 25/10/2014 20:12

i posted a similar thread under legal so am interested to see what comes back here!

You also need to consider DH's maintenance for DSC's - he needs to make sure that he looks at what his maintenance total is for the kids up to the youngest one turning 21 and make sure he has a life insurance policy that covers that amount

1) if I died would DH be able to keep my DS? We've been together since he was a baby and his Dad is a bit of a loser. tbh I don't think his dad would try and fight for custody but I just want to have something official.

i think if you want it guaranteed that DH will get to keep custody then you need to consider getting his dad to surrender his parental rights and for DH to adopt him. You can include an intention within your will but it isn't enforceable that i am aware of

2) If I died I want my children to have some inheritance. Even if it's just a few thousand to help put them through uni or put towards a house deposit.

then you need to look at your assets and work out what you would have available after any debts are cleared and then decide how much gets left and to whom

3) If DH died I want something to go to his DC. If I inherited all his pension what's to stop me spending it all and they are left with nothing from their Dad?

he can stipulate how the money is divided within his will although the pension itself can normally only have 1 benefactor.

Your best bet is to have a chat to a financial adviser - we did it as part of the new mortgage and she was fantastic!

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HerRoyalNotness · 25/10/2014 20:22

I ringfenced An amount that would pay maintenance for DHs DD, then when she wS of age she would have the remainder. The rest would go to me, and then our joint DC.

I did it based on need, our DC are much younger and I would be a single parent raising them through Uni, whereas his DD would still have a family unit. She is also in Line to receive funds from GP.

*i say I sorted if as if left to DH there would be no insurances or wills, just a big bloody mess for me to deal with.

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loopylou9 · 27/10/2014 13:51

OK for some reason an old thread about the same topic has resurfaced, I've had a read of it and if anything it's just made me more confused.

I hadn't really thought about money DH and I are likely to inherit. I won't get anything from my Dad as his ex won everything he had worked for in a very messy divorce but I will inherit half of my Mum's estate. That may end up to be nothing but it could be a considerable amount. I'm also in line to inherit from my DGP but I have no idea how much that's likely to be. They are wealthy but there's a lot of GC and I have no idea what percentage we will each get. But potentially it could be a sizeable amount.

So although at the moment DH and I have an equal diddly squat to leave to anybody, in the future there's a chance that I would be bringing more to our joint estate than him.

Although I want to make sure that DSC are looked after and that it is as fair as possible, I don't feel it would be fair for my Mum's money to end up going to DSC. That sounds totally selfish doesn't it?

My main concern is my DS, if I died he could potentially be left with his idiot of a father who wouldn't be able to provide him with a nice home, holidays etc and probably wouldn't encourage him to go to uni and who knows whether uni funding will be available in 13 years time? And when his Dad dies he will inherit nothing apart from maybe some debts and a collection of xbox games.

I'm not really too worried about DD as I know DH would give her everything she needs and would raise her well. Yes he'd probably struggle a bit financially but he'd manage.

DSC have a mum and step dad who probably wouldn't notice much of a financial impact if DH died.

If DH died I would manage the same as any other single parent does. It would be hard but we'd cope.

The other issue could be that our house is in my name. I bought it before I met DH. I don't know what would happen to it if I died? Does the mortgage get paid off or would DH and the kids have to move out? We can't remortgage at the mo because there's no equity in it.

OP posts:
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fuckthisforagameofsoldiers · 27/10/2014 14:24

it's so difficult isn't it? when I met DP he had very little, where as I owned a house and have substantial savings. i earn lots more than him, so any savings we build up in the future are likely to be largely from my earnings also. we are planning to get married next year, and whilst I would of course want to structure my will to make sure he is financially ok if anything were to happen to me, eventually I would like the money to go to my nieces, not to my SS or to any new wife of DPs (no DCs of my own, not planning any). so i will prob try and set up some sort of trust to put my assets into that DP can access, but not quite sure how that will work.

i'm happy for my DP to leave everything of his to SS if that's what he wants, but I feel that I have a right to leave 'my' money to whoever i like. i'm fond of my SS and we have a good relationship, but it's not a motherly relationship, and i feel no financial responsibility towards him. someone said something similar on that old thread that I also read some of and got absolutely flamed, but that's how I feel!

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loopylou9 · 27/10/2014 14:40

I don't think there is anything wrong with how you feel.
As somebody else said in the previous post, DSC could end up inheriting from 4 parents (mum, dad, step mum, step dad) where as children who's parents are still together would only benefit from 2 parents.

I know somebody who's Dad died and all his money went to his new wife and my friend got nothing at all and when she dies all the money will be left to her children (none of them are children of my friend's dad). That's his Dad's fault for not making provisions for when he died - especially considering that he died of cancer so it wasn't as though his death was a sudden surprise.

I want to make sure that that situation doesn't happen to DSC but I don't feel that I have a responsibility to provide them with a percentage of what I earn or inherit.

OP posts:
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purpleroses · 27/10/2014 19:43

Your DP would have to go to court to get custody of your DS, if his dad wanted him. I think it could go either way really - depending on locations, ability to care for DS, practicalities, and not least the views of DS and relationships he has with his DF, DSF and DSis.

But you could leave some money in trust for DS, and put your DH as the trustee - that would mean even if your DS was living with his dad, his dad, or DS himself would be able to ask DH to use some of the money in trust for whatever it was that DS needed. Or if you think things would be fraught between your ex and DH then assign another family member to be the trustee. I think you could state that either DH or whoever was caring for DS could access the money for things to spend on DS - so even if your DH didn't have custody, he could buy your DS some things with it, or take him on a holiday (if DS's dad lets him go, obviously). My DH has a will that leaves me and his sister jointly as trustees of money that the DSC will get when they're 21 - most of this trust comes from a life insurance policy that he's taken out via his pension. I could spend some of it on the DSC whilst they're young if I wanted - as long as his DSIL agreed, or his DH's ex could ask us for some of it. He has a statement of wishes that says that we should use the trust to continue to paying his ex the maintenance that she's been getting previously, so we'd do that obviously.

If I die, legally my ex doesn't have any rights (as DCs were born before the law changed, and ex and I weren't married - hence no PR) but my will currently says I leave DCs in ex's care. I might change that in the future (to assign it to DH instead) but regardless of what I do I'm lucky that both my ex and DH are reasonable people and live nearby so I think would work something out between them about where my DCs would live if I died.

One option if you're wanting family money that you might inherit to go direct to your children is to suggest to your parents/grandparents that they leave them some direct, thus saving you the awkwardness of leaving it to DCs rather than DP.

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StrangeGlue · 27/10/2014 19:52

Hi op - on the more general question if one of you die with no will in place only up to a certain amount would automatically go to the spouse left behind the rest would be split between the kids. You need a will to ensure that the total amount goes to each other. In it you can specify who gets the house.

You can change and update your will so write it to suit now then update as your kids age.

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micah · 27/10/2014 19:59

See a solicitor and get it all drawn up properly.

With regard to your DS- it is my belief that if you get your ex to agree to a parental responsibility order for your DH then your DS will be allowed to stay. Adoption isn't necessary.

That's just what we were told when DH's ex tried to suggest their DC should stay with her new husband rather than DH. DH is a very hands on involved dad so he refused. Apparently once they are old enough to have an opinion that will be taken into account too...

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CointreauVersial · 27/10/2014 21:07

Both my parents have remarried, so I'm a stepdaughter on both sides.

DDad and DSM have told me they will be dividing everything three ways - between me, my DSSis and DSB. They have always made a point of treating all three of us as equal (each of us has one "parent" in the relationship).

DM and DSDad have done things slightly differently, because they had a child together - my half brother. So myself, my DSSis and DSB (on that side) get 1/5 each, and DHB gets 2/5 share (because they are both of his parents). Sounds complicated, but is very fair.

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