My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice.

Step-parenting

step mum who jointly owns house - say no to step son moving in?

84 replies

Lasvegas · 25/09/2014 12:14

Could do with some opinions please. DH thinks that our home is also the home of his 2 non resident kids. Has said to his son aged 18 that if he wants to move in feel feel free. The son said what about Lasvegas I don't think she would like it, so now DH thinks I am unwelcoming.

DH works away about 70% of the time, so he is effect inviting his son to move in but not having to share a home with them often.

We jointly own the house and jointly pay the mortgage. His kids live far away and visit 5 times a year for a week- 2 weeks at a time.

We don't have a guest room, when they visit DD gives up her room and sleeps in with me.

We have been together for years and we have never had a conversation about his kids moving in. Except the hypothetical they would move in if f their mum and step dad died.

OP posts:
Report
pictish · 25/09/2014 12:16

Well there's not a room for him, so how can he move in?
Everything else asides...it's not practically possible!

Report
Lasvegas · 25/09/2014 12:28

pictish thanks, DH truly believes that our home is also the home of his non resident sons should they want it. I started to doubt myself.

OP posts:
Report
pictish · 25/09/2014 12:31

I don't understand what it is he's proposing? Where does he imagine his son will sleep?

Report
pictish · 25/09/2014 12:32

I mean I understand the principal that your dh feels his home is his children's home too, but you only have two bedrooms and a resident child, so it's a moot point.

Report
OwlCapone · 25/09/2014 12:33

You are both right really. The father's home should be considered his children's home too but in your case there simply isn't room. Exactly how does he envisage this working? Shove someone under the stairs like Harry Potter?

Report
ThisFenceIsComfy · 25/09/2014 12:34

Well it is his son. If my two DSC wanted to move in, then I wouldn't stop that even if it meant moving to a bigger house.

Would you not want him moving in? Is it just the fact that your house is too small?

Report
Maroonie · 25/09/2014 12:37

I'm always a bit surprised at how changing several people's circumstances seem to be suggested so quickly without much discussion.
You would need to start by looking at what he wants to achieve- if he is moving to get away from his mother, to spend more time with his dad, to live in the area, does the area have jobs/training/education that would suit.
Once you have established the why, you then consider if that would be achieved. And if that's the best way to achieve it.
Then you look at the other implications- would he be working and contributing? Or would his dad make extra contributions to cover extra costs? Would you have to love house?
I've only touched on some ideas and its already a long post! You should be open to te discussion but your DH should also realise its not quite as simple as saying he can move! And being more aware o te practical implications doesn't mean you are unwelcoming!

Report
Lasvegas · 25/09/2014 12:37

He has not said specifically and I did not ask, as i then get accused of not liking his entire family.

I think DH assumes sleeping will work same as it does now for holidays.

We have a 3 bed semi, 2 double beds and one single. DH and i don't share a room - snoring, widely different time of getting up./going to bed etc. I have a tiny double bed in the small room, and DD aged 11 sleeps in with me when steps visit. She has a single truckle bed. This has been going on since we lived in a 3 bed house ie since DD was 4 years old.

When she was small it was no problem her to share my bed, but she has bigger feet than me know and is 4 inches shorter than me, so very squashy and I don't sleep well.

OP posts:
Report
Lasvegas · 25/09/2014 12:39

sorry the last post was reply to Pictish how would logistics work

OP posts:
Report
Viviennemary · 25/09/2014 12:40

I do think he should have the right to move into his father's house. But from your point of view it would be difficult. It's difficult. I wouldn't be pleased either but I don't think I would forbid it.

Report
Lasvegas · 25/09/2014 12:42

I left home at 18 to go to uni and never went back home so i suppose it never occurred to me that a adult step kid would move in.

Yes when I married i always knew there was a possibility that step kids would move in if mum or step died couldn't look after them ie illness, death etc.

Moving to a bigger house is not an option financially- mortgage is already £2,200 couldn't increase it

OP posts:
Report
RandomMess · 25/09/2014 12:44

Your DH could share with the boys...

Report
Waltermittythesequel · 25/09/2014 12:44

Well could he get rid of his double bed and get two singles so he and his son can share a room?

Suggest that that's the only way it would work.

If he's not happy about that then you have your answer! Confront him with the logistics of him sharing.

In principle though, I think he's right.

If the shoe was on the other foot would you not like your dd to feel that it's her home too?

Report
GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 25/09/2014 12:45

Maybe your DH should give up his room.

Report
GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 25/09/2014 12:46

Christ I type slowly!

Report
ButternutBosc · 25/09/2014 12:49

If your husband is only home 30% of the time then he can give his bedroom to the boys surely?

Report
pictish · 25/09/2014 12:50

mmm...I'm stroking my imaginary beard and narrowing my eyes here, because on the face of it, it seems unfair that he should invite his son to move in, yet expect you to make the sacrifice or sharing, rather than himself.

It would be more appropriate for him share with his son...if that's the logic he's going to go by.

Report
pictish · 25/09/2014 12:50

sacrifice of sharing

Report
Lasvegas · 25/09/2014 12:53

DH has a euro king size bed, in all fairness it was bought when we had a house with bigger and more bedroom. In the past ie when DD was say 9 and getting less keen on giving up her bedroom, I did suggest that a boy or boys share with him, he was horrified!

OP posts:
Report
Maroonie · 25/09/2014 12:54

Also if your relationship with your step son isn't very close and your DH is only there 30% of the time it could be really uncomfortable for everyone? And How would discipline work? At 18
Would he be treated as an equal adult? Or would you be taking a 'parent' role in your husbands absence? Both of these options could work but need to be talked about by all involved or nobody stands a chance

Report
pictish · 25/09/2014 12:55

Well there you go then. He's being a prick.

He's all about the grand gesture, while making you take the hit. Bollocks to that.

Report
Lasvegas · 25/09/2014 12:56

to clarify only offering the 18 year old to move in permanently, as the 16 year old is at school.

It amuses me to think that if we fostered or adopted it would not be acceptable for a adult to share a room with a child. But is they are your own biological child anything goes.

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

pictish · 25/09/2014 12:57

With an added "jog on pal" for emphasis.

Report
micah · 25/09/2014 12:58

Toughy.

I agree with pp- your DH shares with his son.

Otherwise I would offer a compromise, if he's 18 could you help him rent/buy a flat nearby? Help with deposit, guarantee etc... Might be expensive in the short term but long term he's presumably be paying his own bills, and if you joint mortgage could be a nice pension for you.

I don't quite get it either. It does seem unfair that ex got family home "to raise kids", gets CSA to help pay for them, then the minute they turn 18 they move to dads, who's had to finance a home from scratch again- usually a smaller one, gets no CSA from ex...

Would his ex be willing to contribute to costs, bills etc if DSS isn't working? I'm sure a non-resident father would- how would that work?

Report
Lasvegas · 25/09/2014 12:59

Thanks everyone, next time the issue comes up, I will say to DH yes lets have X move in, you can get rid of the euro king size bed and get 2 singles. Both DH and his 18 year old are 6 foot 3 inches so if they use a single bed their feet stick out!

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.