Why can't children just sometimes not like their step-parent?

[Caorunn]

Question promoted by a post on another thread but not a TAAT per se hence I thought I would ask the question here.

Why is almost invariably assumed, that where the step-children don't like the step-parent that is due to an embittered ex? Or indeed the actions of the step-parents partner?

Surely sometimes the children just might not actually like the individual? Might all on their own without prompting and/or coaching feel uncomfortable with the situation? May instinctively want to be 'loyal' to or protect the other parent? Might be angry that the step-parent is being forced into their lives and they are expected to accept/live with/respect/obey an individual purely because one of their parents has decided that they will? Perhaps they feel resentful that they have minimal time with their parent and are forced to share it with this new partner?

Do the desires/wants of a parent to have a new partner and be happy over-ride the child's feelings/opinion/instincts/happiness.

[For the record I am not step-parent; have no time for my former husbands partner (who was indeed the OW) and have had very little exposure to step-families until recently. I am not a goady fucker but genuinely am struggling with this idea that each parent has the right to crack on with their new life and the children will accept this this, always and unquestioningly, assuming all adults accept it.]

[VagueFace]

I understand what your saying and yes, sometimes it can be down to the individual and not through an embittered ex.

Might all on their own without prompting and/or coaching feel uncomfortable with the situation? May instinctively want to be 'loyal' to or protect the other parent? Might be angry that the step-parent is being forced into their lives and they are expected to accept/live with/respect/obey an individual purely because one of their parents has decided that they will? Perhaps they feel resentful that they have minimal time with their parent and are forced to share it with this new partner?

This to me all screams not an embittered ex but of a child having to deal with a whole hoard of emotions and how to come to terms and understand their parents separation/divorce. Again, this isn't the SP's fault (presuming she/he didn't contribute to the split) nor is it the fault of the child. But it's down to two parents to co-parent and help their child understand these feelings they're feeling and help them to try and overcome. If two people can't do this, I find this is where a lot of issues arise with regards to a SP coming in to a child's life.

[VagueFace]

A child in that position is stuck between a rock and a hard place. They want to be loyal to both parents but there's that fear that if they're loyal to one it hurts the other and vice versa. It's a horrible situation to be in. That's why I feel that when it is possible both parents need to help put their child's fear to rest.

[velveteenbunny]

I'm glad you've asked this as I've always wondered.

The kids, having gone through the trauma of their parents divorcing are then very often put in the position of having to accept a new family member in their home, and often more family members if there are step or subsequent children.

Given the choice, would most DC choose to have a step parent?

[Caorunn]

You both make good points but the underlying theme is that the child can be supported to accept the new partner. But should they? It's this question really I guess:

Do the desires/wants of a parent to have a new partner and be happy over-ride the child's feelings/opinion/instincts/happiness?

I struggle with this - as parents we often make sacrifices to support our children be they career paths, where we live, how we spend out spare time but there seems to be an unwritten rule that when it comes to separation there is almost a right to have a new partner and the children will accept this?

[Caorunn]

Actually not a new partner as such but to have that new partner as part of a new blended/extended family.

[WakeyCakey45]

Surely sometimes the children just might not actually like the individual? Might all on their own without prompting and/or coaching feel uncomfortable with the situation? May instinctively want to be 'loyal' to or protect the other parent?

Definitely. It's very well researched and documented by the Centre for Separated Famliies.

What's important is the way in which the parents support the DCs to behave appropriately, despite their feelings. It does no one, least of all the DCs, any favours for the feelings to be accomodated (and therefore reinforced) by either parent.

It's a life lesson all DCs learn one way or another; some dislike a grandparent or uncle because they "smell funny", others hate the lady down the road because she "talks to me like a baby" and some quite young DCs dislike a class teacher or TA (I remember my DD telling me that one particular TA "hated the very bones of her" and that she (DD) never wanted to see her again).

My DD told me, a year or so after we moved in with DH, that she hated him. I had a choice as to how to react. I could have shown concern, anger, worry, dismissed it - and I had to think on my feet. What helped was that I was open to the idea that it was something she might say one day.
What I did was remind of some of the positive interactions she'd had with him independently from me while at the same time, acknowledging that I know it's hard for her to share her life with a stepparent.

[VagueFace]

But sometimes things happen. I understand a child would obviously want both his/her parents to always be together but it isn't always the case. Ok, so say a child doesn't want their parent to have another partner. Is it fair to stay single for the rest of your life too?

[Caorunn]

Wakey - there is a huge difference in disliking your dinner lady and have to share a home with someone you don't want to. You can of course teach children manners and how to interact on a social basis. What would you have done if your daughters opinion had continued for a number of years? If she didn't react positively to your conversation. If she had been a teenage with a much stronger feeling?

Vague - surely it is a continuum with different approaches working for different children. You as an adult can have have a partner and a relationship without that new partner becoming a step-parent I think.

My point is I don't know how appropriate it is to disregard a child's views on someone they are being asked to live with/obey/respect/be cared for purely for the parents happiness? Parents make lots of choices that can have a negative impact on them for the benefit of their children but this seems to be viewed really differently. That there is some 'right' to have a live-in-partner during your children's time at home.

Mmmm - I am not articulating this well I think

[velveteenbunny]

I understand what you're saying, Caorunn.

I think perhaps it's the live in part that I wonder about, too?

[VagueFace]

I get what your saying :). And there is no right to have a live in partner. But you also can't help who you fall in love with either. So in that scenario I think it's best to try and help the child adjust the best you can. These things need to be treaded carefully and I think every parent should be pretty sure about where they stand with regards to a new partner and how they feel before any introductions.

[mrsravelstein]

interesting question and one i've been mulling over a bit lately for one reason or another.

ds1 (13) is a very nice kid who happens to pretty much not at all get on with dh, his very nice stepdad. they've lived together for 8 years now and with teenage years its getting harder and harder - their personalities clash and they have ZERO in common (in fairness the same is true of me and ds1, but we have the benefit of loving each other).

i wouldn't do it to a child again - give them a step parent, i mean. but at the same time, how could i in my early 30s with a toddler child accept that i could probably never have another full time relationship until ds1 grew up and left home? very difficult.

[VagueFace]

I mean pretty sure where they stand and how serious. To be honest, the whole thing is a minefield and what may work for one child may not work for another.

[riverboat1]

I don't think they do have to like or love a new SP, but at least respect them as an adult - presuming SP is a reasonable person not doing anything unkind or setting unreasonable rules/expectations. Children are very adaptable, they learn to rub along with siblings they don't like, teachers they don't like etc.

Really though, I think that, as with most step parenting issues, it's something that is almost impossible to talk about in an abstract way. Every situation is so different and there are no children, parents or SP who are perfect and couldn't stand to improve themselves or their actions somehow.

[MeMyselfAnd1]

I think it is a difficult act to balance. On one hand you should not give our child the power to your child to run/vet your relationships, but on the other one you need to be attentive to any signs that that relationship is not in the benefit of your child.

I guess it is all about trying to negotiate the needs of every member of the family so everyone feels equally valued. (And to be brave to part if the dislike is based in worrying stuff).

[riverboat1]

Interesting post mrsR.

I also think that what children think they want isn't necessarily what's best for them. As a child I would beg my mum not to get a divorce from dad - they rowed constantly and I remember once when I was crying about this mum suggested maybe they would stay together much linger and I got hysterical and made her promise not to leave.

Now, 20 years later, my parents seem to have resigned themselves to being together and it is still awful: horrible bitter rows, every time I see them. I can see they should have separated a long time ago and we'd all have been better off for it.

I really hope my mum didn't stay because I made her promise when I was 10 years old. I have never got up the courage to ask her, but I remember extracting that promise from her to this day and I feel very guilty about it.

[Themrmen]

I personally do think the parent has a right to have a relationship, and cohabit, it is unfair on someone to disallow relationships until dc have left home, what if they decide to stay until they're in their 30s should a parent really be expected to hold off on an important part of their own life and happiness.

I do think that parents should try and help the dc to adjust, and the adult relationship should be well established not a couple of weeks thing.

[daisychain01]

I think that giving the step parent a chance at least is a reasonable lesson in life for a child. The child may have a lot of confusion/conflicting loyalties to cope with on top of the pressures of their own identity, possible raging hormones etc depending on the child. It also depends on whether the SP themselves is committed and wants to build a positive relationship and be a force for good in that DSC's life.

For example I didn't give my SM a chance for an awfully long time, I was a horror towards her. As an adult (rather than a young adolescent at that time) I know now that this was because she represented what I believed at the time was a barrier between me and my dad.

As it turns out, my SM is a wonderful person, we have "grown together" and I wouldn't be exaggerating by saying she is the best friend I have ever had. She was astute enough when she and my dad got together to be "in the background" and not dominate the scene. She deliberately did not try to be a parent to me, and never told me what to do, although some of the time I could have done with someone telling me some home truths!! She was very tactful

On reflection, your point is valid and I do believe a different approach is needed for each uniqur family situation.

"Never burn your bridges" (i.e. Leave a door open in case the DSC just needs time and space to let their feelings settle) is something I have lived by, probably due to the friendship I built with my SM, after my DF died.

[kinkytoes]

As a child I liked both my step parents better than one of my actual parents.

The thing is, children don't get to choose. It's one of the reasons we can't wait to grow up. Of course it's down to the adults to ensure a new relationship doesn't make the children miserable. You only get one life, you shouldn't be made to live for years without a partner just in case your children might object.

[TheMumsRush]

There are so many depends on this... Depends on how old the kids are... How the parents are with each other (and if they are happy for the Ex to move on).. How the new partner is...

[Boomeranggirl]

The problem is a child should not dictate to the parent choices which are beyond their emotional maturity to make. I would agree sometimes personalities clash but the vast majority of the time children struggle in forming a relationship with a step parent because of a myriad of reasons. One of which is the other parents reaction, but it could also be because of the parents inability to introduce their new partner effectively and manage the child's adjustment, hence why 'Disney' parenting is such a problem as it is highly unrealistic.

Part of the problem of modern society is that children (not all mind you) have a huge amount of say in the choices their parents make. This is acutely recognised by the advertising industry as children have significant purchasing power these days. Children should never be privy to the details of their parents divorce/relationship choices/parenting decisions as this puts far too much pressure on them to become mini adults. This is very damaging to their emotional well being.

As one poster said, it doesn't necessarily matter if the Step parent and step child don't like each other, as long as they respect each other. Not all children like their grandparents/aunties/uncles etc but they should be taught to treat them with respect as they are the adult, and so should be treated with respect in return.

[TheMumsRush]

Basically it depends on the adults. I know you've been through the mill
OP and I do sometimes feel you project, but it really does all depend on the parents, and then the kids if they are old enough. My DH's Ex has always stayed neutral, for the ease of her kids, she's a fab mum and only want the kids to be happy.