Why does DH allow himself to be constantly manipulated by DSS 1 & 2?

[stillsmilingjust]

My DH is an intelligent, experienced man. How is it that he is manipulated every day by a 13-year-old? Now the 9-year-old is following suit. I can't bear to see it. I'm trying hard to spin it as a weakness born of the strength of his fatherly love but most of the time I'm combatting the urge to think less of him.
I know it's got a lot to do with DSS1 & DSS2 proving to me that they're still in charge, as they were before I came along. I know they feel the need to prove this because my DH actually spots the manipulation occasionally since I'm on the scene. But his movement towards being the grown-up in his relationship with DSS1 & DSS2 is glacial and they're way ahead of him.
They are good kids, I understand why they do it and we all get on well a great deal of the time. When they 'manage' him in my presence I generally walk away. But when it affects me, or my son, I don't. And that's causing conflict.
Any advice or sympathy would be gratefully accepted.

[Tommy]

because they're his children and he loves them??

tricky one but you may have to suck it up.....

[theendoftheendoftheend]

Because he feels guilty I would guess. The 'nuclear' family is so much the 'ideal' parents can carry the guilt of not being able to provide it even when they KNOW its in everyone's best interests not to continue in a doomed relationship. I don't know what you can do, but at a punt I would say try to leave the DC out of it and try to be supportive of DH.

[WakeyCakey45]

If your DP can see the manipulation for what it is some of the time, then it's worth talking to him about it and asking him whether 1) he's happy for it to continue and 2) if not, what you can do to help.

My DH and I discussed his Disneydad behaviour early in our relationship; he was keen to stop, but didn't always realise he was doing it, and would beat himself up afterwards when he realised what he'd done.
So we agreed a code word which I could use in front the of the DCs, and which I would use if I thought he was straying into Disney territory. it was enough to remind him to pause and think about how he was responding to the DCs.

If your DP is motivated, but lacking willpower, maybe that would help?

[Hakluyt]

My children "manage" their dad too. Particularly our dd, who wraps him round her little finger. He knows it and loves it.

That's what children do.

[WakeyCakey45]

hak do they manage you as well?

Or do you mean that children wrap their dads, but not their mums, round their little fingers?

[Hakluyt]

Oh, they manage me as well!

[shey03]

Sympathy, loads! In some families that is fine, if it is done to control and cause devisiveness then there is a problem. OP, your DH sounds like he is open to your support and encouragement which is great because when it starts to affect other children it's a different ball game, it's just not tolerable. Keep working at it, supporting dh with the discipline/boundaries and Mumsnet mostly is a really good place to vent when you have a tough day. Code word is a good idea Wakey.

[ClashCityRocker]

I think it's a combination of guilt and the fact that, if you don't spend so much time with someone as you would like to, you tend to want to make that time enjoyable as possible.

I think even fathers who have regular contact with their kids feel like they are 'missing out' - and with the best will in the world, there will be times when they do miss out on things. And they feel bad and sad about that, even if it's far better for the children that their parents live apart.

So, it is understandable - although the behaviour does need to be challenged.

I like wakeys code word idea - it gives your DH the opportunity to recognise and address the situation himself, rather than you always being 'the bad guy' which will ultimately exacerbate the situation.

[stillsmilingjust]

Thanks, shey, for the sympathy. (I needed that.) And just being reminded that 'that's what children do' has taken a lot of the stress out of my thought process.
DSS 1 & DSS2 & my son are all resident so the rubbing up is bound to happen. I know you're right about the need to be a 'Disney dad' because DH has said how scared he is of them leaning away (There are issues with mum, too.)
I'll suggest the codeword idea- think both of us would like to be able to put a brake on things sometimes.
Last night was one of the evenings of multiple implosion; hence the vent. Ironically, DH is out tonight and it's been one of those evenings when you think it may just work out fine...

[Northernparent68]

It s easy to criticise non resident fathers but they are in a difficult position, any rights they have are virtually non enforceable, and some of the criticism stems from jealously. If you do not like a man's parenting style do nt get involved with him. It's a bit to decide once you re living together

[WakeyCakey45]

If you do not like a man's parenting style do nt get involved with him

Tricky one. How do you protect the DCs in that situation? In order to decide whether you "like" a mans parenting style, you'd have to spend time with him and the DCs together. It's a bit unfair on the DCs.

[DontDrinkAndFacebook]

All children try to manipulate their parents. Especially when they feel they've been usurped by a new partner.

I'm sure your son tries to manipulate you too, but maybe you just don't see it. You wouldn't be the first person to criticise someone else's parent/child relationship while failing to see flaws in your own.

This is entirely normal. Stop looking to apportion blame onto his children and let him manage his relationship with them as he sees fit.